Sometimes music has this power, this might, to lift me up, to sharpen my mind. Drawing all my senses, my whole essence in with its beauty.
Those moments when music transcends my whole mind, when it vibrates through my body and whole being.
Those moments when it is just the perfect, unexpected piece, just right for this one moment, this one mood.
Those moments when time looses its meaning, when the beauty of something reminds you, yes there is still more out there, beauty worth striving, fighting and living for. Beauty encompassing a familiar longing.
My lips form a smile, but my eyes, watery with the faint beginning of tears, stare into the distant of my window, painfully remembering that nothing will endure and all things will come to an end. That the real beauty of things and moments is deeply rooted in there transient and fleeting nature.
This moment will soon be over, this creative impulse, fueled by the sudden and total focus of my being, will slowly fade away. Leaving behind in its wake this sudden realization like a universal truth. Putting the same song on repeat won’t extend this moment. It won’t recreate this moment. It will be something else, something uniquely different. It comes and goes, how it likes, flowing through ones body.
Leaving me behind in awe about the realm of my own imagination and emotions. Leaving me longing and wanting for more, for times long past or times in the distant future. While knowing all to well, how pointless this may be.
Maybe just for once…
Just close your eyes, And sharpen your mind, Let your thoughts wander, Following that falling star,
What fruits will come, From that mighty tree, The bosom of creativity, The gifts of imagination.
Flayed skin whipped into submission. Souls and dreams broken on the wheel of society. Hollow eyes following your movements as you walk deeper into the pitch blackness of the abyss. Who are these creatures? The products of a society without limits and a world screaming out in pain? The product of greed and hopelessness? For many this may seem like the end but it is only the beginning of this rabbit hole with no end in sight.
Have you ever been on the other side? Have you walked at the beaches of tears, stepping over corpses as you admire the sundown in a ocean of blood? Have you ever lived among them, human shapes dressed in skin? Barely recognizable and robbed of everything that made them human. Just figures of flesh trapped in their own torment, stripped of their dreams and identity. Damned to suffer and forage around rocks for scraps of meat. Not realizing that in order to survive they are consuming their own kind.
Have you smelled the stench of corpses and rotten flesh? The stench of desperation and suffering? Have you heard their cries and screams? Sounding so unnatural and inhuman. One would not think, that a human could produce such sounds. But we can. You and I can and we would beg for a end of this torment. But there is no end, only desperation and sorrow. And above all they beauty of the last scream or whisper when a life fades away into nothingness and crumbles into dust.
The untainted, as they call the new ones, are tied to wheels high above the ground in the shadow of unreachable castle, a mere projection in the sky. Is it real or just a illusion? They are forced to shed their skin and with each shedding their compassion dies more and more. And when they are released from their torment, they just crawl up to the giant mountain of corpses. Climbing and climbing till there last strength fades away and then nailing their own bodies to the mass of skin, bone and flesh. Hoping to become one with their last dream. Because what is left of you, after your rotten flesh is pealed away and consumed?
A feast for crows and rats, maggots and flies. In the end they lost everything, their dreams, their hopes, the believe in a future, their humanity and bodies. All greedily eaten by a never ending hunger. To protect the last pieces of their identity, to achieve their last wish, to escape from this torment and hell, they choose to sacrifice the last thing they possess – themselves.
The castle in the sky. To reach it one has to climb the mountain of corpses, a mountain of flesh, bone and skin. A mountain that humanity formed as a collective. Only to realize at the top that the castle is still out of reach. The mountain has to grow more and more, larger and larger. There is no end in sight and the suffering continues so that some souls can pursue their greed and may achieve their ambitions. Would you pursue your ambition, your selfish need and force more suffering upon this world and souls? Or would you forsake your greed and share the suffering as one of many? Would you put the group above the individual or the other way around?
It is this place that reminds me above all of depression. No one wants to be here and still they are here. You are here and I am here too. No one choose this fate and yet they are still nailing there own flesh to a mountain of corpses, a grotesque reminder that one would sacrifice everything to protect what is dearest to them. Even if depression consumes your identity and your flesh, you would rather sacrifice yourself before it consumes the last parts of your dreams, hopes and wishes.
Hopelessness and desperation in the contrast to the never ending hunger. A society consumed by selfishness and greed. Happiness seems like a product one could just buy with enough money. But can you really buy it? Are you satisfied with your share or do you desire more? Be honest to yourself. If you try to fill the void inside yourself with the hunger of consumerism you are consuming your own kind. You are shedding your skin tied to a wheel. For some you are just another tool, another product, another consumer. Another corpse they gladly step onto, just to achieve their selfish ambition to be the one at the top, to feel like a god for a brief moment while looking down towards the suffering they caused, before there insignificant life fades away into nothingness and the world forgets. Only greed remembers and so the next one has to climb even further. Is this the survival of the strongest? Or just another lie you tell yourself to justify your own actions in pursuit of pointless greed?
Is there any saving for this world? Sorrows End as I call it. Can this world even be saved? Is it even worth to save? Or would it just be better and fairer to cleanse it with fire. To burn the rot away so something new can emerge?
While I’m starring into the mirror, something feels off. It is hard to look in my own eyes and so I start to avoid my own glance. It feels like I’m trapped in this place, not by a solid door or guards, but by my own will. The feeling gnaws on myself and the walls of the prison just grow higher. How can I feel alone, when I know, that I got family and friends? Sometimes it just feels like there are worlds between us. Something is missing, I cant just put your finger on it, but something is not here. I am not here…
With one foot in the past and one in the present I cling to my memories. I wish I could live in my memories, I wish I could change them, but I can’t. Nobody can change the past. The only thing that you can change, is the perspective your choose while your looking back. Afraid of the future I dream in awe about my potential, the person I could be, the things that I could do. To escape the prison I flee into other worlds, always hoping for a reaction of others, as a proof, that I exist.
Existing to exist, living to exist, Existing to live, Living to live.
To exist I just need food, water and a place to sleep. To live I need love, happiness and a purpose. Without love and a purpose I can not live, only exist. Out of pain and disappointment I started to close my heart to the world and escape. Years later I realized, that a closed heart is not able to receive love and I’m still searching for a purpose.
I’m good at giving advice to others, I’m equally bad at following my own advice to others myself. I’m searching for someone who offers me advice the way I give it to others. Who could that be?
In the silence of the night I whisper:
“Who wants to escape this world with me? Who wants to dream a familiar dream? Are you out there? Somewhere? Or do you just exist in my head?
A longing for a dream and not reality? A vision of a ideal not fit for reality? A longing that can never be fulfilled? A hunger that can never be satiated?”
Time to wake up dreamer and open your eyes. Find yourself and create the Utopia your always dreamed off in this world. Find the answers for your questions and find out if a ideal can exist in this world. Don’t be afraid, there is no reason to be.
Who will come to help me, at the bridge of worlds? Who will come to help you? Who will came to save you and me?
We all see the world with different eyes, perceive the world in a different way, unique to everyone of us. Reality in itself is just of product of our senses, the planes of perception. Depending on what we are doing and feeling, we focus more on some and less on other senses. Our own view is always changing and shifting, being challenged by our own struggle, ideals and dreams.
But what is real? The world out there, the buildings, streets, trees, humans and animals? On some days this all appears like a movie to me. I feel like I am trapped just to watch time pass by in those moments. Are dreams real? I believe so, they are ones deepest wish, a desire that wants to be fulfilled. Emotions are real, maybe the only real thing there is, in a world full of lies and masks.
Have you ever watched a fictional movie that made you cry or evoked other emotions in you? Listened to music that made you happy or sad? How can something unreal evoke emotions in ourselves? Is it triggering something from the past or just our sympathy? How can something unreal trigger a real response in our perceived reality? That work of fiction, this piece of art, is a reality in itself, that we can enjoy with some of our senses and planes of perception. A reality that can teach us something, that can evoke real emotions and in a ultimate twist break the fourth wall, hold a mirror up to our faces to inspire us to live and think, to show us, what we are longing for, what we buried deep in ourselves and what we strive for. Art is the blossom of emotions, the birth of a new reality and whatever is created out of emotions has the power to evoke emotions in ourselves.
“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Over time, humanity freed itself from the grip of religion, from the answers religion provided and in doing so, lost the divine purpose, provided by the deities. But did we become as gods? Gods in a sense of having control over our selves, our lives, creating things and taking responsibility for our actions?
Science and philosophy tried and are still trying to find answers for all the questions, many of whom had been answered by religion before. For many questions there is only one correct answer, but other question, have many answers. One of this questions, maybe one of the most important questions, is the question about the purpose of our lives, our existence as a individual and as a species. Nature provides us only with a single purpose, to procreate and die. But what can give a purpose, a feeling of fulfillment, happiness, of being whole and coming home?
I don’t think there is a single purpose. Purpose is a flower with many roots and submitted to change. We all try out new things and they often fail. What one person enjoys, might not be your cup of tea. Despite this we collect memories, we come to know, what we like and what we don’t enjoy. What suits us and what not. The foundation our society is build upon, is only made possible, because billions of souls tried something new and because billions of souls failed. We are all the same, just a single light of billions, we all try and fail. To make mistakes and fail, but also to learn from them and to move on, is what connects us as a species and a society. It is what defines us as humans.
But what are the things, that connect us? Things that we love and want to share? Things that we have a passion for? Dreams, thoughts and ideas? Things that enable us to come into contact and form a community? We need this contact, after all we are always in some kind of social group or loosely connected to others.
The first realization is, that our own purpose is connected to the social contact with others. I used to think, that your own purpose can only emerge from yourself, but this is not the complete truth. Purpose is always connected to others and not just to yourself. In some kind of way, purpose is dependent on others.
The second realization is, that everything is destined to end, to break, fail, crumble into dust and fade away at some point. But every end is also a new beginning. And the end of something is necessary so something new can emerge and grow. Every day opens now doors and offers new chances. You just have to see it and have the courage to follow new ways. Everything can birth a purpose, even the end of something. Every experience and every moment can offer meaning. Even if everything is destined to end and to fail at some point, memories still prevail. If everything is destined to end someday, what is so bad at failing then? Tomorrow will be a new dawn, a new beginning, a new chance to fail or to find something precious.
“Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. Is this a curse? Or some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle…and wonder if we’ll ever get the chance to kill him.”
Nier Automata
“Everything that lives is designed to end. They are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. However, life is all about the struggle within this cycle. That is what ‘we’ believe.”
Nier Automata
Those quotes from a work of art stuck with me since I heard them for the first time. Its the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega. But I think I finally discovered there meaning for myself. Life means a new chance and death is the end of something, the destined fail. Only after a end, a new chance is born and the spiral continues. You can see it as a curse or some kind of punishment. I once saw it that way and clang to the past. But in doing so I missed many chances of the present. But it can also be a new chance to find happiness. The search for a purpose is a this never-ending cycle. Only ending with ones death. But is the death truly the end? The end of your personal journey, but someone else will go further, than we could and the cycle continues. The search for a purpose is in itself a purpose of its own. Life is all about the struggle within this cycle, to fail and to try out new things. To open new doors and to find new ways.
As humans wee need each other, we are dependent on each other. We love to share what we love, our thoughts, dreams and creations, to tell stories and to pass on our knowledge. I am just a light of billions and I have my own perspective on the world, as everyone has a personal perspective. And in this world or another world, everyone can find something, that gives him the courage to move on, to try out new things and to follow new ways. We are all the same, we fail more times than we can count in the cycle of life and in doing so this cycle gives our lives a meaning and a purpose.
The first step is to accept yourself as the person you are. To embrace yourself as a whole. When I think about myself I see a boy in the sun, smiling and thinking about the answers for all the questions in my mind. There are no boundaries for ones own imagination, that can express itself in art. Art is our gift of creation, our way to create a countless amounts of worlds and places. Worlds where you can find something precious or learn something new about yourself. Places that you dream of, places that comfort you and places you can visit when you close your eyes.
With art we can express our longings, hopes, wishes, dreams, thoughts and ideas.
With art we can face our fears and in the end overcome our chains.
With our expression in art we can become as gods, creating something with a meaning.
Life in itself is a flower and every new memory, experience and creation a new blossom.
I was so afraid, that it would be over. That it would have been the last time I talked to you, the last time I saw you. That I couldn’t tell you the things I wanted to tell you. That you would be gone and that there would only be memories. Memories of you, of the past, of happy times. Of the things you told me, you taught me, your words, your lessons. I am glad, that you were there for me, that you kept a eye on me. Without you and grandma, I would have given up long ago. You two are the closest people for me, the ones I call family. I could always rely on you two, your advices and words guided me towards myself. When I was struggling, you two showed me the light again. When my parents were fighting and my dad was suffering in silence with depression you were always there for me and provided me a home, a place I where could feel safe. Loosing one of you, even the thought about that fills my eyes with tears.
I made my wish. I wished not for myself, but for you. You got better, you could go home again and we will meet again. We can talk and I can tell you how much you mean to me. When I think about my father, I think about you. Without you there wouldn’t be a me. I look up to you, as I would love to look up to my father. So I sacrifice my wish for you. The best wish I ever made. I love you, always did and I will always remember. Even if your gone one day, your light will guide my path. I love you and I am not ready to loose you, but I will never be ready for that. I will continue to live in your image, to follow your principles, to bring love into this world and to help others. A part of you will always live on in myself and I will always carry the memory of you. I don’t wish for a dream, I wish for time, time that you can have, time that you can enjoy and spend, time you can live.
I know nothing is forever, and that both of you will eventually part. That only memories and words will remain. Your words that carry a message. Memories of things you taught me, of the time we spend together. Of the times you cared for me. Memories of what it means to be a family, what it means to care for others, principles ingrained in myself. Nothing is forever and time the most precious thing we posses. Make the best out of it, enjoy every moment, breathe and accept, that nothing lasts forever.
Can you accept yourself, yourself as the person you are?
Can you accept your strengths but also your flaws? Can you accept your bad decisions as much as your good ones? The mistakes you made, your mistakes that hurt other people and your mistakes that hurt yourself? Can you accept your scars and live with them? The thoughts that keep you awake? Can you accept that you are not perfect and will never be? Can you accept, that you’ll be hurt by others and you’ll hurt others too? Can you accept your emotions and show empathy towards others? Can you forgive yourself and others? Can you look into your eyes in the mirror?
Can you accept, that your only a small part of the bigger picture? An human of millions? Can you accept, that there are things you can’t control, things that you can’t influence and choices that are not yours to make? That you can only make your own choices and not somebody else’s? Can you accept your choices? Even if they sometimes lead you to dark places? Can you accept this truth?
Acceptance is a choice. A choice that is your own. A choice you have to make, a choice you have to renew, a road that you have to follow. Acceptance means knowing who you are, knowing when you need help and when you can walk alone. Acceptance means to spend time with yourself, to fight for yourself and your dreams. To care for yourself. If you can accept yourself, as the person you are, knowing what you can do and what you can’t, then you will find peace inside yourself and the strength to change the things you desire. Life means acceptance.
Can you accept yourself, yourself as the person you are?
I wanna write down my perspective of this story so I can remember it and the lessons it taught me. I wanna put this story in my diary and with this story another pearl on my necklace of fond memories. It is a story worth remembering and not just a dream. It is something real. I want this world to remember and, that we lived, breathed and dreamed. I want you to read this story. A story that showed me clearly, what kind of person I am, what connection I have to my emotions and that I am on the right path in my life. That I am proud to be this person and that I can finally look into the mirror and feel whole.
Dear Anna,
I still remember the day we met. It was 2 years ago, I think at the end of may 2019. I remember I wanted to leave at first, but then I stayed. I liked you, you had a open mind, dreams in your head and the wish to live. When you had to go, I drew you a ship. Your own ship, where you are your own captain. A vessel, that could bring you closer to your dreams, to the places you wanted to see, to the feelings you wanted to feel, closer to your emotions and yourself.
I thought, I would never see you again, never hear a word from you again. You would go your way and I would follow my path. To my surprise, you messaged me half a year ago and our paths met again. You wanted to hear, how I was doing and we started writing. You came back into my life, when I was struggling with my way. You showed me the lighthouse, I wasn’t seeing in the fog and my ship could follow its course again. We started to write more and more, our texts became essays about the world, our dreams, our fears and emotions.
1.000 km apart we started to talk for hours, sharing our thoughts and emotions. Debating about life and dreams. Talking about the future and our visions for it, a fair and gentle world. You inspired my thinking and I think I did the same to you. You shared your dream to move one day to hamburg. A while later you told me, you would come to hamburg, to visit some friends and wanted to see me too. I was amazed and was looking forward to meeting you. I took a liking to you though or talks and thoughts, I started to feel more than liking you, but I told my head to not go overboard. You told me later, once we met, that you started to feel the same.
And then you were here. I was nervous, excited to see you and still not sure, if you would feel the same. I was pent up and couldn’t really sleep the night before. We made dinner, watched a movie and talked. I remember this magical moment, when our eyes made contact and your eyes had the same longing and wish inside them as mine. We kissed and it felt so unreal. Like a moment out of a dream, but it was real. I couldn’t believe it first, but I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t dreaming, I was awake, alive and breathing.
We saw each other again on the day after and it still felt so good. I saw the happiness in your eyes and my mind was at peace. I was smiling, you were smiling and we shared some wonderful moments together. It still felt like a dream, but a real dream. A dream one could dream with open eyes, a dream one could dream, when awake. You had to leave the next day and we wouldn’t see each other again for a couple of weeks. I gave you a owl, the symbol of Athena, goddess of wisdom and war and told you, I want us to be honest to each other, because we found something precious and you agreed. We were happy. I was amazed, that I am able to feel like this, that my connection to my own emotions had grown so strong and that I was ready for the future.
It felt beautiful, so beautiful, because it was unexpected, a feeling I never experienced in this way before. Different, than any happiness I tasted before. I think that I got older and more settled with myself played also a big role. We wanted to take good care of this flower, wanted to see it grow and blossom. I thought we had a good soil, sharing the same dream of living, the same wish to breathe and be free, the longing for something more, something meaningful. Sharing art as our passion and to be honest, I never met a person like you in my life before. A person, that accepted me with all my flaws and scars and I accepted you as the person you are. I could be myself, 100 percent myself. A fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer, dreaming in reality. I told you, that in my eyes, love means to sacrifice, not sacrifice of ones self, but to make compromises. Or with the words of Andrzej Sapkowki: “And what kind of love would it be if the one who loves were not capable of a little sacrifice?” There are no perfect relationships, there are just compatible persons and then a lot of work. You agreed.
And then we met again, I was excited but also nervous. You picked me up at the train station and once we arrived at your home something felt different. You couldn’t eat much and had a headache, clouds in your head, those were signs I picked up. I couldn’t put my finger on it, you had worked 12 hours that day and were pretty exhausted. I thought it was just that. I wanted to give you your space, time to regenerate and we went to bed early. I woke up at 6 am the next day and when I felt back into my slumber I had a dream I still remember. In the open desert of this dream I met two women. Both were wearing black and one had her eyes covered by a veil, the other one had her moth covered with an bandana. They tried me to warn me of something, I couldn’t understand them, couldn’t hear there words. And then I woke up again. Now I understand clearly that my subconscious picked up all those little signs. To see things other people cant see, to pick up those little signs and to see the potential in others, is the gift, the world bestowed on me.
Something had changed, maybe I didn’t wanted to believe it a first, but now I could clearly see it. You started to cry and we talked. I held your hand and just listened to your words. You couldn’t endure my touch anymore, you were so sad and I felt helpless. I did what I could, said you should met with your friends, take some time for yourself to get your feet on the ground again. You told me, that me being here felt right in your head, but your guts told you something else. You told me, this is too much for you, you need your friends and your family and I can clearly understand that. You said there would be no space for me, because they are an essential structure for you and you need and want to see them everyday. That you can’t give me the love I need and deserve. Maybe it was the distance too, after all 1.000 km are a lot. You said, you have problems being close to someone, letting someone new into your live. In the past, you thought it were the men, but now you clearly realized, it is you, because you said it can’t be me. And to be honest, I now know, that I am a good person, a person that cares and listens. A person that loves unconditionally, a person that loves others as a whole and a person that is ready to fight together. You said you think your unable to form a relationship and I disagreed. As humans we all strive for meaning, love and acknowledgment through being close to someone. Me being here, in your home, so close and real, was the trigger for this all and brought the hammer down. You said maybe this dream was not for you or you were not ready for it. Maybe it was all too fast, but I believe you were not ready for it yet. I believe in dreams, but I also understand the difference between a dream and a castle in the sky. But dreams are one of our most precious possession, something worth fighting for, something worth living for. I could sense you being afraid, a fear I once knew to well. The thing about fear is, that it can imprison and cage you, if you don’t overcome it. If you fight, you can win or loose, but if you run away, you already lost. In my eyes you ran away and this is a sad truth you have to face.
You told me, it would be better if I would leave and I was in shock. It took me a couple of minutes to understand your words. It felt like everything on my mind was tossed around, I couldn’t see clearly anymore and I just felt sadness. It hurt. It hurt in this way, like one can only get hurt, when one lets another person close, close to the heart. It felt like the dream was over, the bubble popped and I was back in reality. But there was still solid ground beneath my feet. I wasn’t falling into the abyss, like I did in the past. I told you how I was feeling, I shed some tears and told you what you mean to me and what kind of person you are in my eyes. A wonderful person. That you placed a lantern in my world, when it was dark and that lantern pointed me towards the end of the tunnel. I am thankful for this and would like to return the favor. I could clearly see the weight of your decision in your sad face. I told you, I am not mad at you. I am not angry nor enraged. I know from myself, that we don’t choose the ghosts and shadows in our minds. But we are still responsible for our choices and decisions that hurt others. I told you, it hurts and I am just sad. I appreciate your honesty, a sad truth is better than the most beautiful lie. I wish for you, that you can find to yourself and find the root of your fear.
I packed my stuff and left. On the ride back to the train station we were mostly silent. I started talking to clear my mind, told you things I wanted you to hear. Not because they could change anything, because I wanted them to be said. I asked how we would continue and we both agreed, that we wanted to stay in touch. I said, that you should give me the owl back, once your sure, that we should stay friends. At the train station I hugged you for a last time and told you that I really like you. You told me the same. I said I want to give you your time to get your head and thoughts sorted and that I would love to hear from you then. You asked me to message you, once I am back home and I agreed. Your face was full of sadness, you couldn’t even smile and I could sense you being ashamed. I asked you for a last smile, so I could remember you with one and you smiled. As our paths diverged I looked one last time at you, while you were walking away. I left with sadness in my eyes and a faint smile on my lips.
I called a good friend to talk before I boarded my train and headed back home, 1.000 km to the north. I cried during the ride and just wanted to be home. I asked myself, why would this happen to me, don’t I deserve happiness too? Why am I always the one, who gets hurt? Are my needs not able to be satisfied? These thoughts vanished as quickly as they came. There are many things in this world, that I can’t influence, things that I can only accept. Many choices are not mine to make. The ride felt like an eternity. I had so many questions in my head, what I should have done different, what else I could have done, but deep down in my mind I already knew the answer. Nothing. Once I arrived back home. I messaged you and I just had to ask you. You said there was nothing I could do and that I already did more than you expected. I listened and talked to you, tried to understand you, that was all I could do and could have done. I was back home and knew, that I had to take care of myself, that I needed to talk with people close to me, to get my thoughts sorted. I still have many questions, questions you may answer one day and questions, where only time knows the answer. I consciously decided to keep following my way.
A couple of days later you messaged me, that you wanted to send the owl back to me. You said you cant give me, what I need and deserve and that you can’t engage in an romantic relationship with me. I respect your decision, but I think, that you can give me what I need and deserve, because I think otherwise, I hadn’t let you this close to me. But I also know, that when you can’t give me what I long for, that I have to look somewhere else. You said you need time for yourself and have to put yourself first now and I can clearly understand that. In my mind this is the right choice and I also need some time for my thoughts and myself. You said a lot of things got cluttered in your head and that you have many fond memories of our talks and the moments we shared. You said you like me, but not enough for love. I think love has to grow like a flower. Someone close once told me, love is a choice and the more I thought about that, the more I have to agree with her. I know what I saw in your eyes, but it was not my choice to make. You said your deeply sorry, for what happened, that you hurt me the way you did. That you would like our paths to cross again, after some time has passed, because we still have our connection of dreams and thoughts. Is this the end of this story? I don’t think so, it is the end of this chapter and only time knows the answer. In my eyes this book has many blank pages left for another chapter. It will be different, when we met again, but different doesn’t mean worse.
I am sad and thinking about what could have been, how this dream could have progressed, what could have been and what will be. Nobody knows, what the future could have brought and how this flower could have grown. This sadness feels like a weight pulling me down, but I am still swimming. I miss you, your words and presence, but above all I need to fill that hole you left with myself. But now this is a dream of many others. Still a dream, a dream I wanna keep close. A dream is something special, something that defines a person, like the wish to live. I am still a dreamer, I believe in my dreams, they give me a purpose and I wanna live my dreams, while awake. I clearly know now, what I want and need, what I long and strive for. The lesson to learn is, that even if you do everything right, even if you do everything you could possible do, there are things you can’t control, maybe influence, but in the end, you have to accept them. Not every choice is yours to make. I just wanna say, how much I appreciate this world, this life and the people close to me.
Dear Anna,
I don’t hold a grudge against you, I don’t condemn you for your decision. Fear is only human, but we still have a choice, we always do. On the contrary I am happy, that we met. I am glad, that we shared moments of light together, that we shared our thoughts and dreams. I am thankful, that you showed me, what kind of person I am, how much I like this person and that I have a good connection to my emotions. You showed me, that I am on the right path and that I should continue my way. I want you to be happy and find back to yourself. I want you to smile and laugh, to shine, like I saw you shine. I wish, that you can find the answers for your questions, a clear path to follow and the help you need. I wish, that you can conquer your fear and find the root. I wish that you can live your dream. You are a wonderful person and sadly, there are not enough wonderful people on this planet. I am glad, that our paths crossed twice and hope that they will cross again for a third time. Anna I really like you and still think we have a special connection, a connection to build upon. Only time knows, what the future will bring. “A future is not given to you, it is something you must take for yourself.” But I am looking forward, towards my future with a smile. I can see the potential in your eyes, your heart is at the right place. I hope that one day you can achieve your dreams. My door will always be open for you and I hope that we will meet again so that we can share more of our dreams and thought. I will remember this story and follow the lighthouse. Till then I wish you the best and good luck on your way. Thank you for your honesty and don’t forget to smile and laugh.
“Take a bow, the night is over, this masquerade is getting older…”
this masquerade shields, my real face, my true feelings, my inner weakness,
this mask hides, my darkest fear, my deepest sorrow, myself,
I wanna be real, cry it all out, scream it all out, I hold back,
I stand strong, why cant I let loose, open the gates, let myself fall?
I long for it, playtime’s over, I smile, when I wanna cry,
I long for u, the tears in ur eyes, the feeling of beeing needed, I cry,
I long for u, the pain in ur eyes, I can say, It’ll all be good,
I long for u, the weakness in ur eyes, I hug u, and play my role,
I long for u, u in my arms, so broken and fragile, I play my part,
I long for u, the broken things, the weak things, I feel strong,
I long for u, ur warm hug, I can let loose, and cry it all out,
I long for u, so I can sense, how I feel inside, I long for myself,
I long for myself, let myself fall, I care for me, I feel myself,
I long for myself, my weakness, my tears, my real strenght!
I long for myself, so I can hug myself, let loose, of that masquerade,
I long for myself, the face behind that mask, the unshead tears, I’ll be there,
I’ll be there, dancing in the rain, finding myself, I long for myself!
I long for u, wanna care, wanna feel, I long for myself!
In my eyes I can see the weakness I long for… In my eyes I can see the feelings I long for… In my arms I find the warmth I long for… In my arms I find the comfort I long for…