Sometimes music has this power, this might, to lift me up, to sharpen my mind. Drawing all my senses, my whole essence in with its beauty.
Those moments when music transcends my whole mind, when it vibrates through my body and whole being.
Those moments when it is just the perfect, unexpected piece, just right for this one moment, this one mood.
Those moments when time looses its meaning, when the beauty of something reminds you, yes there is still more out there, beauty worth striving, fighting and living for. Beauty encompassing a familiar longing.
My lips form a smile, but my eyes, watery with the faint beginning of tears, stare into the distant of my window, painfully remembering that nothing will endure and all things will come to an end. That the real beauty of things and moments is deeply rooted in there transient and fleeting nature.
This moment will soon be over, this creative impulse, fueled by the sudden and total focus of my being, will slowly fade away. Leaving behind in its wake this sudden realization like a universal truth. Putting the same song on repeat won’t extend this moment. It won’t recreate this moment. It will be something else, something uniquely different. It comes and goes, how it likes, flowing through ones body.
Leaving me behind in awe about the realm of my own imagination and emotions. Leaving me longing and wanting for more, for times long past or times in the distant future. While knowing all to well, how pointless this may be.
Maybe just for once…
Just close your eyes, And sharpen your mind, Let your thoughts wander, Following that falling star,
What fruits will come, From that mighty tree, The bosom of creativity, The gifts of imagination.
We are unimportant in the bigger picture. Our struggle might even be pointless and in vain. But I refuse to believe, that it does not matter to anyone. The moment matters to me. It makes me smile, laugh and cry. All may be pointless in the end, but not in the moment. How can it be pointless in the moment, when something, a word, a gesture or a smell can force an emotional reaction?
To find a purpose in a pointless existence, sense in in a senseless world, meaning, when nothing matters, that is the struggle known as ones life. The freedom of choice, when it is not the choice that matters. Freedom of ones mind, ones own thoughts and choices, ones own responsibility for ones actions, a mind unchained. With the gift of thinking comes the desire of knowledge, to question the answers, to expand ones own horizon and in the end to question our existence and the purpose of life itself. Knowledge leads to understanding and compassion follows understanding. Or one could say, with the curse of thinking comes the burden of awareness, the burden of knowledge, the burden of existence and the burden of responsibility.
One could reject this profoundly human struggle and reject life itself. Give in into resignation and resentment. Or one could embrace this struggle as something that defines in it’s core and nature what it means to be human. Something that defines our existence and us fundamentally as humans. Something uniquely human akin or close to a profound universal human truth. Maybe the only truth there is out there.
The question of who we are is not one of status, achievements, wealth, looks or the human species as a whole. On the contrary it is one of our own individual and self found purpose. A purpose arisen from ones own dreams, longings and desires. A primordial flame driving our whole existence unchained from desires that are not our own.
A life is not given to you, a purpose is not given to you, it is something you must define for yourself, something you must find for yourself.
Even if your existence is pointless, your struggle is not in vain, your life and purpose has a meaning, to you and the people who hold you dear.
Existence is a pointless burden, but with a purpose and compassion, you can transform existence into life, and create meaning for yourself.
Life is often painful, it can offer what seems like unbearable hardships, but somehow we keep pushing trough. Something inside us drives us forward or pushes us deep into resignation. One must always keep watch to not get lost in the dark, to give in, to resent and give up. When one is lost in the dark it is only natural that all one can perceive is darkness. Resentment seems like life’s first lesson, the first and best answer to many hardships but in acting so one will miss out of the joy’s of being alive, of experiencing all kinds of emotions and not just the ones perceived as negative. Resentment leads back to existence and existence is a pointless burden.
Can you accept yourself, yourself as the person you are?
Can you accept your strengths but also your flaws? Can you accept your bad decisions as much as your good ones? The mistakes you made, your mistakes that hurt other people and your mistakes that hurt yourself? Can you accept your scars and live with them? The thoughts that keep you awake? Can you accept that you are not perfect and will never be? Can you accept, that you’ll be hurt by others and you’ll hurt others too? Can you accept your emotions and show empathy towards others? Can you forgive yourself and others? Can you look into your eyes in the mirror?
Can you accept, that your only a small part of the bigger picture? An human of millions? Can you accept, that there are things you can’t control, things that you can’t influence and choices that are not yours to make? That you can only make your own choices and not somebody else’s? Can you accept your choices? Even if they sometimes lead you to dark places? Can you accept this truth?
Acceptance is a choice. A choice that is your own. A choice you have to make, a choice you have to renew, a road that you have to follow. Acceptance means knowing who you are, knowing when you need help and when you can walk alone. Acceptance means to spend time with yourself, to fight for yourself and your dreams. To care for yourself. If you can accept yourself, as the person you are, knowing what you can do and what you can’t, then you will find peace inside yourself and the strength to change the things you desire. Life means acceptance.
Can you accept yourself, yourself as the person you are?
I wanna write down my perspective of this story so I can remember it and the lessons it taught me. I wanna put this story in my diary and with this story another pearl on my necklace of fond memories. It is a story worth remembering and not just a dream. It is something real. I want this world to remember and, that we lived, breathed and dreamed. I want you to read this story. A story that showed me clearly, what kind of person I am, what connection I have to my emotions and that I am on the right path in my life. That I am proud to be this person and that I can finally look into the mirror and feel whole.
Dear Anna,
I still remember the day we met. It was 2 years ago, I think at the end of may 2019. I remember I wanted to leave at first, but then I stayed. I liked you, you had a open mind, dreams in your head and the wish to live. When you had to go, I drew you a ship. Your own ship, where you are your own captain. A vessel, that could bring you closer to your dreams, to the places you wanted to see, to the feelings you wanted to feel, closer to your emotions and yourself.
I thought, I would never see you again, never hear a word from you again. You would go your way and I would follow my path. To my surprise, you messaged me half a year ago and our paths met again. You wanted to hear, how I was doing and we started writing. You came back into my life, when I was struggling with my way. You showed me the lighthouse, I wasn’t seeing in the fog and my ship could follow its course again. We started to write more and more, our texts became essays about the world, our dreams, our fears and emotions.
1.000 km apart we started to talk for hours, sharing our thoughts and emotions. Debating about life and dreams. Talking about the future and our visions for it, a fair and gentle world. You inspired my thinking and I think I did the same to you. You shared your dream to move one day to hamburg. A while later you told me, you would come to hamburg, to visit some friends and wanted to see me too. I was amazed and was looking forward to meeting you. I took a liking to you though or talks and thoughts, I started to feel more than liking you, but I told my head to not go overboard. You told me later, once we met, that you started to feel the same.
And then you were here. I was nervous, excited to see you and still not sure, if you would feel the same. I was pent up and couldn’t really sleep the night before. We made dinner, watched a movie and talked. I remember this magical moment, when our eyes made contact and your eyes had the same longing and wish inside them as mine. We kissed and it felt so unreal. Like a moment out of a dream, but it was real. I couldn’t believe it first, but I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t dreaming, I was awake, alive and breathing.
We saw each other again on the day after and it still felt so good. I saw the happiness in your eyes and my mind was at peace. I was smiling, you were smiling and we shared some wonderful moments together. It still felt like a dream, but a real dream. A dream one could dream with open eyes, a dream one could dream, when awake. You had to leave the next day and we wouldn’t see each other again for a couple of weeks. I gave you a owl, the symbol of Athena, goddess of wisdom and war and told you, I want us to be honest to each other, because we found something precious and you agreed. We were happy. I was amazed, that I am able to feel like this, that my connection to my own emotions had grown so strong and that I was ready for the future.
It felt beautiful, so beautiful, because it was unexpected, a feeling I never experienced in this way before. Different, than any happiness I tasted before. I think that I got older and more settled with myself played also a big role. We wanted to take good care of this flower, wanted to see it grow and blossom. I thought we had a good soil, sharing the same dream of living, the same wish to breathe and be free, the longing for something more, something meaningful. Sharing art as our passion and to be honest, I never met a person like you in my life before. A person, that accepted me with all my flaws and scars and I accepted you as the person you are. I could be myself, 100 percent myself. A fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer, dreaming in reality. I told you, that in my eyes, love means to sacrifice, not sacrifice of ones self, but to make compromises. Or with the words of Andrzej Sapkowki: “And what kind of love would it be if the one who loves were not capable of a little sacrifice?” There are no perfect relationships, there are just compatible persons and then a lot of work. You agreed.
And then we met again, I was excited but also nervous. You picked me up at the train station and once we arrived at your home something felt different. You couldn’t eat much and had a headache, clouds in your head, those were signs I picked up. I couldn’t put my finger on it, you had worked 12 hours that day and were pretty exhausted. I thought it was just that. I wanted to give you your space, time to regenerate and we went to bed early. I woke up at 6 am the next day and when I felt back into my slumber I had a dream I still remember. In the open desert of this dream I met two women. Both were wearing black and one had her eyes covered by a veil, the other one had her moth covered with an bandana. They tried me to warn me of something, I couldn’t understand them, couldn’t hear there words. And then I woke up again. Now I understand clearly that my subconscious picked up all those little signs. To see things other people cant see, to pick up those little signs and to see the potential in others, is the gift, the world bestowed on me.
Something had changed, maybe I didn’t wanted to believe it a first, but now I could clearly see it. You started to cry and we talked. I held your hand and just listened to your words. You couldn’t endure my touch anymore, you were so sad and I felt helpless. I did what I could, said you should met with your friends, take some time for yourself to get your feet on the ground again. You told me, that me being here felt right in your head, but your guts told you something else. You told me, this is too much for you, you need your friends and your family and I can clearly understand that. You said there would be no space for me, because they are an essential structure for you and you need and want to see them everyday. That you can’t give me the love I need and deserve. Maybe it was the distance too, after all 1.000 km are a lot. You said, you have problems being close to someone, letting someone new into your live. In the past, you thought it were the men, but now you clearly realized, it is you, because you said it can’t be me. And to be honest, I now know, that I am a good person, a person that cares and listens. A person that loves unconditionally, a person that loves others as a whole and a person that is ready to fight together. You said you think your unable to form a relationship and I disagreed. As humans we all strive for meaning, love and acknowledgment through being close to someone. Me being here, in your home, so close and real, was the trigger for this all and brought the hammer down. You said maybe this dream was not for you or you were not ready for it. Maybe it was all too fast, but I believe you were not ready for it yet. I believe in dreams, but I also understand the difference between a dream and a castle in the sky. But dreams are one of our most precious possession, something worth fighting for, something worth living for. I could sense you being afraid, a fear I once knew to well. The thing about fear is, that it can imprison and cage you, if you don’t overcome it. If you fight, you can win or loose, but if you run away, you already lost. In my eyes you ran away and this is a sad truth you have to face.
You told me, it would be better if I would leave and I was in shock. It took me a couple of minutes to understand your words. It felt like everything on my mind was tossed around, I couldn’t see clearly anymore and I just felt sadness. It hurt. It hurt in this way, like one can only get hurt, when one lets another person close, close to the heart. It felt like the dream was over, the bubble popped and I was back in reality. But there was still solid ground beneath my feet. I wasn’t falling into the abyss, like I did in the past. I told you how I was feeling, I shed some tears and told you what you mean to me and what kind of person you are in my eyes. A wonderful person. That you placed a lantern in my world, when it was dark and that lantern pointed me towards the end of the tunnel. I am thankful for this and would like to return the favor. I could clearly see the weight of your decision in your sad face. I told you, I am not mad at you. I am not angry nor enraged. I know from myself, that we don’t choose the ghosts and shadows in our minds. But we are still responsible for our choices and decisions that hurt others. I told you, it hurts and I am just sad. I appreciate your honesty, a sad truth is better than the most beautiful lie. I wish for you, that you can find to yourself and find the root of your fear.
I packed my stuff and left. On the ride back to the train station we were mostly silent. I started talking to clear my mind, told you things I wanted you to hear. Not because they could change anything, because I wanted them to be said. I asked how we would continue and we both agreed, that we wanted to stay in touch. I said, that you should give me the owl back, once your sure, that we should stay friends. At the train station I hugged you for a last time and told you that I really like you. You told me the same. I said I want to give you your time to get your head and thoughts sorted and that I would love to hear from you then. You asked me to message you, once I am back home and I agreed. Your face was full of sadness, you couldn’t even smile and I could sense you being ashamed. I asked you for a last smile, so I could remember you with one and you smiled. As our paths diverged I looked one last time at you, while you were walking away. I left with sadness in my eyes and a faint smile on my lips.
I called a good friend to talk before I boarded my train and headed back home, 1.000 km to the north. I cried during the ride and just wanted to be home. I asked myself, why would this happen to me, don’t I deserve happiness too? Why am I always the one, who gets hurt? Are my needs not able to be satisfied? These thoughts vanished as quickly as they came. There are many things in this world, that I can’t influence, things that I can only accept. Many choices are not mine to make. The ride felt like an eternity. I had so many questions in my head, what I should have done different, what else I could have done, but deep down in my mind I already knew the answer. Nothing. Once I arrived back home. I messaged you and I just had to ask you. You said there was nothing I could do and that I already did more than you expected. I listened and talked to you, tried to understand you, that was all I could do and could have done. I was back home and knew, that I had to take care of myself, that I needed to talk with people close to me, to get my thoughts sorted. I still have many questions, questions you may answer one day and questions, where only time knows the answer. I consciously decided to keep following my way.
A couple of days later you messaged me, that you wanted to send the owl back to me. You said you cant give me, what I need and deserve and that you can’t engage in an romantic relationship with me. I respect your decision, but I think, that you can give me what I need and deserve, because I think otherwise, I hadn’t let you this close to me. But I also know, that when you can’t give me what I long for, that I have to look somewhere else. You said you need time for yourself and have to put yourself first now and I can clearly understand that. In my mind this is the right choice and I also need some time for my thoughts and myself. You said a lot of things got cluttered in your head and that you have many fond memories of our talks and the moments we shared. You said you like me, but not enough for love. I think love has to grow like a flower. Someone close once told me, love is a choice and the more I thought about that, the more I have to agree with her. I know what I saw in your eyes, but it was not my choice to make. You said your deeply sorry, for what happened, that you hurt me the way you did. That you would like our paths to cross again, after some time has passed, because we still have our connection of dreams and thoughts. Is this the end of this story? I don’t think so, it is the end of this chapter and only time knows the answer. In my eyes this book has many blank pages left for another chapter. It will be different, when we met again, but different doesn’t mean worse.
I am sad and thinking about what could have been, how this dream could have progressed, what could have been and what will be. Nobody knows, what the future could have brought and how this flower could have grown. This sadness feels like a weight pulling me down, but I am still swimming. I miss you, your words and presence, but above all I need to fill that hole you left with myself. But now this is a dream of many others. Still a dream, a dream I wanna keep close. A dream is something special, something that defines a person, like the wish to live. I am still a dreamer, I believe in my dreams, they give me a purpose and I wanna live my dreams, while awake. I clearly know now, what I want and need, what I long and strive for. The lesson to learn is, that even if you do everything right, even if you do everything you could possible do, there are things you can’t control, maybe influence, but in the end, you have to accept them. Not every choice is yours to make. I just wanna say, how much I appreciate this world, this life and the people close to me.
Dear Anna,
I don’t hold a grudge against you, I don’t condemn you for your decision. Fear is only human, but we still have a choice, we always do. On the contrary I am happy, that we met. I am glad, that we shared moments of light together, that we shared our thoughts and dreams. I am thankful, that you showed me, what kind of person I am, how much I like this person and that I have a good connection to my emotions. You showed me, that I am on the right path and that I should continue my way. I want you to be happy and find back to yourself. I want you to smile and laugh, to shine, like I saw you shine. I wish, that you can find the answers for your questions, a clear path to follow and the help you need. I wish, that you can conquer your fear and find the root. I wish that you can live your dream. You are a wonderful person and sadly, there are not enough wonderful people on this planet. I am glad, that our paths crossed twice and hope that they will cross again for a third time. Anna I really like you and still think we have a special connection, a connection to build upon. Only time knows, what the future will bring. “A future is not given to you, it is something you must take for yourself.” But I am looking forward, towards my future with a smile. I can see the potential in your eyes, your heart is at the right place. I hope that one day you can achieve your dreams. My door will always be open for you and I hope that we will meet again so that we can share more of our dreams and thought. I will remember this story and follow the lighthouse. Till then I wish you the best and good luck on your way. Thank you for your honesty and don’t forget to smile and laugh.
Fire can burn so hot, like a white bright flame, feeding on the world around it. The flame of hate and anger, a raging fire, consuming and feeding on pieces of life. A symptom of a world in pain, a society without limits, possessed by a never ending hunger. The chase for the castle in the sky and denying of the truth. The lie that became the ultimate truth.
In this world a child was born, carrying the seed of change. A change that will come, a change that will force itself into this world and leave its mark. Change will always happen, change is the lifeblood of this world. Dystopia oh Dystopia, the wind of change, natures wrath, the cleansing fire, free and unchained, hungry and alone. The carrier of the burden, the unmasker, the truth, that became a lie.
Change will come, a raging fire will burn away the rot of this world to usher in something new, something never seen before, a new age, a new chapter. The seed of change, the seed of chaos will blossom and then consume it all. When fire pours down from the heavens, chaos will reign. The masses on the streets, screaming, this is the end, while the flames of change consume them whole. No, the madman whispers, No, this is just the beginning. Death is only the beginning, the next step on the ladder of change. A road we all have to travel.
This world will be cleansed, the rot will burn away and from the ashes a new child will be born, carrying the seed of change, the seed of hope. The cycle will continue, till the chains are broken and we became one with ourselves.
Its time to be honest, not with the world, but with myself. The world is just a bystander in this act of madness. The stage for the comedy, that is called humanity. The truth is just in front of me, starring back from the image in the mirror. My truth. Not yours, not ours, my truth.
When I close my eyes, I feel a gaze looking at me, an eye following my moves, my decisions. A burning gaze judging me from afar, judging me from the inside. Lies don’t count no more, Lies I tell myself, Lies I tell others. Lies I wanna believe, a Lie I tried to live. There is no hiding, no running away, just the naked truth, when it all comes crashing down, like a house of cards.
I’m naked and alone in the dark, starring at the bright red pupils of this monster, that is eating me alive from the inside. A gaze burning deep into my flesh, a flame, a dance with the fire, fascinating, till it burns your Soul and consumes you whole.
But there is no monster, there is only my reflection in the mirror. I’m still fighting the daemon but in truth I wage a war against myself to cope with a world that is ruled by madness. Is this right or wrong? It all depends on the tools I guess, tools one might not possess or cant operate properly. Truth is, there is a small line between right and wrong, harmful and helpful. I always thought I was better then some, stood over things, but in the end I had to realize, I am just a human. I am flawed and scarred, deeply flawed, just like everyone else. We all are Scholars and students at the same time. Age brings some wisdom I guess…
I thought I was special, born to do great, born to sacrifice myself for others, born to make some smile. Born to protect others, like my name suggests. Born to be better than my parents. I am born to die, like everyone else, a hollow vessel, with no set purpose other then to reproduce and keep my species from dying. Purpose gives Identity. So what is my purpose then, exempt the set one? Who am I, when I’m alone in the dark? Am I the Lie, I tell myself or am I the reflection in the mirror?
This is not my stage, it never was and never will be. I am just a bystander like everyone else. Its a choice, a choice to make, to believe a Lie, one so desperately tells himself or to come to terms with the reality of things. What will you do? I think I made my choice, I’m ready to let loose and piece together the pieces of the puzzle that is myself. I don’t wanna fight myself for a whole life and repeat my past mistakes, I don’t wanna waste a life for nothing. I don’t wanna be special, I don’t wanna be someone, I wanna be human, just a human, not playing a role in this comedy and believing a Lie I told myself. I wanna be loved, just like everyone else. I wanna find a Purpose to live for, other then existing for others. And this Purpose is starring back at me.
The truth will always find me, I can’t run away from myself, so I will face myself and smile back at the Eye of Terror, till it is no more. Mayby I should try to live for once…
The story of my life, not written with ink, nor written on paper, sadly tho, written on my body, not with a pen, with a blade, many blades…
The story of my suffering, the way that was choosen for me, and the way I choose for myself, my future!
For a future is not given to you, it is something you must take for yourself my friend.
Born to die, I choose life as my meaning, my reason to get up, every day anew.
One faithful day, life as I known it, was taken from me, Me, a helpless child at that time.
Nothing was as before, I was left in the ruins, so utterly forsaken, hopeless…
And so I screamed, my scream that day, full of anger, hate, desperation and sadness, still echoes within me, I never walked the same line, I saw the world with new eyes.
My perception changed, and I saw the true world, saw throuw the Illusions, was lost, forsaken, so hopless, so angry.
You two, destroyed the world as I known it, You two, took the most precoius thing to me,
Our Family!
As a child, I was never able to control myself, a raging fire, I danced and burned, hurt and destroyed.
Was this my punishment? I asked myself, Is this my fault? I must fix it!
Needless to say, I could’t fix it…
What can a child do in the face of so much hate?
How can a child fix something it doesen’t even understand yet?
On an other faithful day, I lost my will to live, gave in and gave up, wanted to die so much, but I couldn’t do it myself, luckily tho!
I clinched to live, clinched myself to the most precious thing I had left, a mistake after all, because it was taken from me again.
I lost and paid.
The old wounds opened again, the echoes resonating within me, the fire I tried to supress for so long, took control of me.
My scream that day, my pain, my anger, my sadness, my desperation,
I wanted to die, tried to die, but I am still here, writing this words, smiling.
That day forever changed me.
I was a poet, descending into madness, no ink, blood, no pen, a blade, my language, my pain, my love, my hate, my hate, my desperation, my hope, my future, one can read it all, scars, scars never lie.
Blood never lies, the ultimate truth lies within death.
And yet I am still here, living and breathing, fighting and dreaming, crying over the lost chapter.
This is me, but only a fraction, there is so much more to learn, to feel and to live for.
You made it this far my friend, my brother, my blood, let’s see how far we can make it together.
When two sides of a soul become one, everythink is possible don’t you think?
Let us seed the seeds of hope and let the flower of life grow and blossom.
Thank you for reading and never forget to smile. A smile can make ones day and something as simple as a smile can change a world for better.