To me it often it feels like we are trapped inside the past, the future and sometimes in the present. Our mind just wanders off with thoughts about things that used to be, things we lost, things that could have been and things that will be. At least that’s how it feels for me sometimes. But today I acted in the moment without thinking. I was able to completely be myself, one with myself and acting out of my instincts. Not thinking what others might think, not feeling there glances. Just myself. I think I finally found you, the one I’ve always been, the person I chose to be and not the person someone else wants me to be. And for that experience I am grateful.
I’m finally here, at the top of the mountain. 11 years ago, I never envisioned that I could be here. All I saw was the mountain and nothing else. And now I can see the other side, the other side I heard so many stories about. I think this is the perfect place to lay past grievances to rest, to embrace myself and then walk forward with my memories, as I always do. Thank you, thank you to all of you, everyone who helped me reach the summit. You all will always be a part of myself, living inside my heart.
I’m no longer trapped between worlds, my choice is to live between worlds, the borderline is the place where I’m dancing. I can finally appreciate this gift for what it is, a door to countless worlds and to myself. I can finally accept and appreciate, that I am the way I am. And when sadness finds me again, I will not fight against myself anymore. I will finally accept those feelings and my past as a part of myself. As a part, that makes me whole. “But I, being poor, have only my dreams” was never true.
Because I am a dreamer, Because I choose to be a dreamer, I have my imagination.
Because I am a dreamer, I have the gift of imagination.
Because I am a dreamer, I can open the door and let my mind fly.
Because I am a dreamer, I’ve finally grown back my wings.
I could climb this mountain, I could finally break the chains of my past, Only because I am a dreamer.
A new chapter has just begun and so I stand on top of the mountain, embracing myself and shouting with tears of joy
Me? I’m MAD, a fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer blessed with the gift of imagination. A dreamer dancing on the bridge of worlds. A dreamer who chose to live between worlds. A dreamer who chose to embrace his inner MADness to become whole.
As someone who cut himself in the past and luckily found a way to escape the addiction, I wanna help people understand from my experiences, why some people harm themselves, are unable to stop or to control there urges.
Have you ever been really thirsty or hungry? Have you ever been addicted? Addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or something else? Have you ever felt the urge, that you need to consume something now to stop your body and brain from bursting? That there is only one thought controlling your whole self?
We humans have basic needs like food, water, sleep and socializing. Those are the most common, but pain can become one of those as well. To start you have to ask yourself the question, why would someone cut themself? Nobody just wakes up one day and out of nothing, starts to cut themself. It is the door at the end of a long and dark way, a corridor of desperation, a corridor you never wanted to walk along and yet you are still here.
For me it started all with a feeling of emptiness. A feeling like a black void, that swallows your feelings and emotions until you feel nothing. Imagine a porcelain doll and your coming close. This feeling became more and more unbearable. With every passing day and week it felt more and more, like I was being eaten alive from the inside. The emptiness became a emotional pain. I could feel it tearing through my stomach, like I had eaten some glowing embers and now they were burning through myself. Together with thoughts that pierced my body like arrows, thoughts about the pointlessness of life and suicide, I was reaching my breaking point.
When I bought my first razor blades it felt surreal. Later that day, I made one of the worst decisions of my life, but also the decision, that probably saved my life as well. The first cut left a pleasant feeling. The pain of my arm numbed the emptiness and my thoughts. With the blood those left my body. You live from moment to moment and never think about tomorrow. Your only thought is to survive this day. Imagine being stuck in a storm and then after hours of rain and thunder you reach the eye of the storm. A small time frame of peace. It feels like this. A small time of peace from the hell of your own existence. Imagine you are drowning and desperately fighting your way back to the surface. You take a deep breath before the invisible hand pulls you back down and the struggle continues. What would you do for that time of peace? The time where you thoughts don’t pierce yourself and you can breathe again?
Pain is one of the strongest feelings your nerves can transport and also reaches the brain quickly. If you smoke a joint it takes a couple of minutes till it hits you. Pain is there immediately. Pain can be a tool to offer a fast salvation from hopeless situations. But as with many things, you need more and more. You have to cut more and more, deeper and deeper to reach the same satisfaction your first couple of cuts brought you. It becomes a addiction, one of your basic needs. Without it you won’t be able to function. I wasn’t able to function without cutting myself and where I went, the blade followed.
Physical pain numbs the emotional pain, physical pain helps you to cope with suicidal thoughts, for a brief moment of salvation, you butcher yourself. Self harm can save your life for a while, but when you have to cut deeper and more it is another story. It is easy to judge, but I wanna see what you would do, if you were in my shoes 11 years ago.
There are better ways to cope with your thoughts and the feeling of emptiness. But you have to learn about those ways, you have to talk about your problems and thoughts with professionals in therapy. But those ways are always harder then self harm. And to get up and get yourself help is harder then the dance of blades on your own skin.
I am scarred, everyone can see, what I did to myself. They are the proof, of the sacrifice I had to offer in order to stay alive, when I didn’t knew any better. It is my biggest mistake, that probably also saved my life. I am not proud of them, I am still shedding tears. Had I knew better back then, I would have never cut myself.
I am still paying the price for my actions. My brain and my body remembers. When my mind gets cloudy and reality becomes harder to bear for me, the first thought that sneaks into my mind is about self harm. A picture usally follows this thought, the picture of a razor blade and after that many more pictures about blood and open wounds follow. My scars begin to hurt with this familiar feeling when your skin starts to split and wounds begin to open themselves. It feels like a invitation to do it again. Just once, it will all be alright. Shut up, fuck you, get out of my head! It is really fucked up. I usually have to fight really hard to suppress the urge to cut myself. My body and brain remember the fastest and most efficent way to overcome dark or suicidal thoughts. Is it the best way? Hell no, but it is the fastest.
Please don’t judge others with scars. Nobody wants to hurt themself and yet we still cut deep into our own flesh. Not for pleasure, but to stay alive in a abyss of depression and desperation. To take a breath, when hopelessness is making it hard to breath for yourself. Offer a helping hand, a open ear instead and ask if they wanna talk or if you could support them in finding the help one needs and deserves. I know, that this would have helped me back then.
It is easy to judge, but hard to understand. It is easy to cut yourself, but hard to overcome your own past.
“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Over time, humanity freed itself from the grip of religion, from the answers religion provided and in doing so, lost the divine purpose, provided by the deities. But did we become as gods? Gods in a sense of having control over our selves, our lives, creating things and taking responsibility for our actions?
Science and philosophy tried and are still trying to find answers for all the questions, many of whom had been answered by religion before. For many questions there is only one correct answer, but other question, have many answers. One of this questions, maybe one of the most important questions, is the question about the purpose of our lives, our existence as a individual and as a species. Nature provides us only with a single purpose, to procreate and die. But what can give a purpose, a feeling of fulfillment, happiness, of being whole and coming home?
I don’t think there is a single purpose. Purpose is a flower with many roots and submitted to change. We all try out new things and they often fail. What one person enjoys, might not be your cup of tea. Despite this we collect memories, we come to know, what we like and what we don’t enjoy. What suits us and what not. The foundation our society is build upon, is only made possible, because billions of souls tried something new and because billions of souls failed. We are all the same, just a single light of billions, we all try and fail. To make mistakes and fail, but also to learn from them and to move on, is what connects us as a species and a society. It is what defines us as humans.
But what are the things, that connect us? Things that we love and want to share? Things that we have a passion for? Dreams, thoughts and ideas? Things that enable us to come into contact and form a community? We need this contact, after all we are always in some kind of social group or loosely connected to others.
The first realization is, that our own purpose is connected to the social contact with others. I used to think, that your own purpose can only emerge from yourself, but this is not the complete truth. Purpose is always connected to others and not just to yourself. In some kind of way, purpose is dependent on others.
The second realization is, that everything is destined to end, to break, fail, crumble into dust and fade away at some point. But every end is also a new beginning. And the end of something is necessary so something new can emerge and grow. Every day opens now doors and offers new chances. You just have to see it and have the courage to follow new ways. Everything can birth a purpose, even the end of something. Every experience and every moment can offer meaning. Even if everything is destined to end and to fail at some point, memories still prevail. If everything is destined to end someday, what is so bad at failing then? Tomorrow will be a new dawn, a new beginning, a new chance to fail or to find something precious.
“Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. Is this a curse? Or some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle…and wonder if we’ll ever get the chance to kill him.”
Nier Automata
“Everything that lives is designed to end. They are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. However, life is all about the struggle within this cycle. That is what ‘we’ believe.”
Nier Automata
Those quotes from a work of art stuck with me since I heard them for the first time. Its the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega. But I think I finally discovered there meaning for myself. Life means a new chance and death is the end of something, the destined fail. Only after a end, a new chance is born and the spiral continues. You can see it as a curse or some kind of punishment. I once saw it that way and clang to the past. But in doing so I missed many chances of the present. But it can also be a new chance to find happiness. The search for a purpose is a this never-ending cycle. Only ending with ones death. But is the death truly the end? The end of your personal journey, but someone else will go further, than we could and the cycle continues. The search for a purpose is in itself a purpose of its own. Life is all about the struggle within this cycle, to fail and to try out new things. To open new doors and to find new ways.
As humans wee need each other, we are dependent on each other. We love to share what we love, our thoughts, dreams and creations, to tell stories and to pass on our knowledge. I am just a light of billions and I have my own perspective on the world, as everyone has a personal perspective. And in this world or another world, everyone can find something, that gives him the courage to move on, to try out new things and to follow new ways. We are all the same, we fail more times than we can count in the cycle of life and in doing so this cycle gives our lives a meaning and a purpose.
The first step is to accept yourself as the person you are. To embrace yourself as a whole. When I think about myself I see a boy in the sun, smiling and thinking about the answers for all the questions in my mind. There are no boundaries for ones own imagination, that can express itself in art. Art is our gift of creation, our way to create a countless amounts of worlds and places. Worlds where you can find something precious or learn something new about yourself. Places that you dream of, places that comfort you and places you can visit when you close your eyes.
With art we can express our longings, hopes, wishes, dreams, thoughts and ideas.
With art we can face our fears and in the end overcome our chains.
With our expression in art we can become as gods, creating something with a meaning.
Life in itself is a flower and every new memory, experience and creation a new blossom.
So dark, so cold, so tiered, just a bit longer, just a few more steps.
Today is the day, the final day, today is the day, the voices repeat it. The thought echos in his mind, the voices repeat the thought, a macabre choir. Today is the day, the final day, the last day.
The last steps are done, the body is tiered, powerless. Broken by the struggle of the past, but no more. Time left its marks, scars tell the stories, when the pain was to much to endure. Everything has been arranged. The tiered body and the broken mind, the hurt psyche crying out for a last time, both worked in unity to achieve this last goal.
The last steps, the last thoughts, the last goodbye, the last meal, the last breeze, the last smile, the final shedding of blood and tears, pain for a last time, the final rest awaits, the place beyond the veil awaits. Today is the day.
No more pain and suffering, the kind of pain that breaks you, eats your mind and soul from the inside, shatters your psyche in little pieces, no more pain to endure, it will end soon. A longing, a hunger, that could never be satisfied, a world, that denied him the happiness he longed for, he so desperately searched for. A feeling, a unfulfilled wish, a dream that gave him hope, but only a dream after all. Reality was not like his dream. In the end, the price for a life, could not be paid. Not by him and not any more, the price is too high, he tried to pay it, to live, but it was just to much. It took a toll on him, ate him alive and took everything from him. The soul is already dead, his hollow eyes leave no doubt. His thoughts fought over control, his body became the battleground. Fearing everyday, that there would be nothing left of him, but not any more. Today is the day, the final day, the last day. He will triumph over the adversary in his own mind, free him of this curse, but at what cost?
The moon illuminates the cold winter night. The snow scrunches under his footsteps. He walks towards the place, the old tree, standing on top of the little hill. He is nearly there, just over the bridge and up the hill. The final cut feels like nothing, not like the first one, or the the ones following. They became routine so quickly, something you do and don’t even think of. He pans heavily as he walks up the hill. The left arm hanging down his body. The red line follows him up the hill. The open vein sheds the last tears. He sits down at the foot of the old tree. The snow around him turns red, a red pool of tears. The pain and sorrow, the thoughts that tormented him, all this matters no more. It runs out of his vein, together with tears of blood and his life. He smiles as he sees the sunrise for a last time. What he could not find in this world, he now seeks in death. A end to the suffering and peace in his mind. Time to rest, time to sleep, time to find peace, the final rest, the place beyond the veil awaits.
When your existence becomes your enemy, death can become the last escape. The last door to open, when all others seem shut and closed. A way to find the peace, we all so desire. It starts with thoughts, the wish for rest that roots itself in the mind. The flower grows, illusions start to occur, till the day where one takes its own life. You hope that one day, angels with wings of blood, may carry you forth, to a place, where you can find the things you desire and a cure for the loneliness inside. Suicide seems like the last steep on a long road, when many things can no longer be endured. When your soul is already dead, your eyes spark no more light, death becomes the only escape, from a painful existence, that already feels like hell. There is no triumph, no victor, only sadness and tears. A death before its time, a death that could have been prevented.
I once read, the death of the soul doesn’t start with the loss of life, but with the absence of love. If there is a message behind all this, it is, that we need love, wanna be loved and wanna love. Acts of kindness may spark a fire, when embers long gone cold and all hope seems lost.
I wanna write down my perspective of this story so I can remember it and the lessons it taught me. I wanna put this story in my diary and with this story another pearl on my necklace of fond memories. It is a story worth remembering and not just a dream. It is something real. I want this world to remember and, that we lived, breathed and dreamed. I want you to read this story. A story that showed me clearly, what kind of person I am, what connection I have to my emotions and that I am on the right path in my life. That I am proud to be this person and that I can finally look into the mirror and feel whole.
Dear Anna,
I still remember the day we met. It was 2 years ago, I think at the end of may 2019. I remember I wanted to leave at first, but then I stayed. I liked you, you had a open mind, dreams in your head and the wish to live. When you had to go, I drew you a ship. Your own ship, where you are your own captain. A vessel, that could bring you closer to your dreams, to the places you wanted to see, to the feelings you wanted to feel, closer to your emotions and yourself.
I thought, I would never see you again, never hear a word from you again. You would go your way and I would follow my path. To my surprise, you messaged me half a year ago and our paths met again. You wanted to hear, how I was doing and we started writing. You came back into my life, when I was struggling with my way. You showed me the lighthouse, I wasn’t seeing in the fog and my ship could follow its course again. We started to write more and more, our texts became essays about the world, our dreams, our fears and emotions.
1.000 km apart we started to talk for hours, sharing our thoughts and emotions. Debating about life and dreams. Talking about the future and our visions for it, a fair and gentle world. You inspired my thinking and I think I did the same to you. You shared your dream to move one day to hamburg. A while later you told me, you would come to hamburg, to visit some friends and wanted to see me too. I was amazed and was looking forward to meeting you. I took a liking to you though or talks and thoughts, I started to feel more than liking you, but I told my head to not go overboard. You told me later, once we met, that you started to feel the same.
And then you were here. I was nervous, excited to see you and still not sure, if you would feel the same. I was pent up and couldn’t really sleep the night before. We made dinner, watched a movie and talked. I remember this magical moment, when our eyes made contact and your eyes had the same longing and wish inside them as mine. We kissed and it felt so unreal. Like a moment out of a dream, but it was real. I couldn’t believe it first, but I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t dreaming, I was awake, alive and breathing.
We saw each other again on the day after and it still felt so good. I saw the happiness in your eyes and my mind was at peace. I was smiling, you were smiling and we shared some wonderful moments together. It still felt like a dream, but a real dream. A dream one could dream with open eyes, a dream one could dream, when awake. You had to leave the next day and we wouldn’t see each other again for a couple of weeks. I gave you a owl, the symbol of Athena, goddess of wisdom and war and told you, I want us to be honest to each other, because we found something precious and you agreed. We were happy. I was amazed, that I am able to feel like this, that my connection to my own emotions had grown so strong and that I was ready for the future.
It felt beautiful, so beautiful, because it was unexpected, a feeling I never experienced in this way before. Different, than any happiness I tasted before. I think that I got older and more settled with myself played also a big role. We wanted to take good care of this flower, wanted to see it grow and blossom. I thought we had a good soil, sharing the same dream of living, the same wish to breathe and be free, the longing for something more, something meaningful. Sharing art as our passion and to be honest, I never met a person like you in my life before. A person, that accepted me with all my flaws and scars and I accepted you as the person you are. I could be myself, 100 percent myself. A fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer, dreaming in reality. I told you, that in my eyes, love means to sacrifice, not sacrifice of ones self, but to make compromises. Or with the words of Andrzej Sapkowki: “And what kind of love would it be if the one who loves were not capable of a little sacrifice?” There are no perfect relationships, there are just compatible persons and then a lot of work. You agreed.
And then we met again, I was excited but also nervous. You picked me up at the train station and once we arrived at your home something felt different. You couldn’t eat much and had a headache, clouds in your head, those were signs I picked up. I couldn’t put my finger on it, you had worked 12 hours that day and were pretty exhausted. I thought it was just that. I wanted to give you your space, time to regenerate and we went to bed early. I woke up at 6 am the next day and when I felt back into my slumber I had a dream I still remember. In the open desert of this dream I met two women. Both were wearing black and one had her eyes covered by a veil, the other one had her moth covered with an bandana. They tried me to warn me of something, I couldn’t understand them, couldn’t hear there words. And then I woke up again. Now I understand clearly that my subconscious picked up all those little signs. To see things other people cant see, to pick up those little signs and to see the potential in others, is the gift, the world bestowed on me.
Something had changed, maybe I didn’t wanted to believe it a first, but now I could clearly see it. You started to cry and we talked. I held your hand and just listened to your words. You couldn’t endure my touch anymore, you were so sad and I felt helpless. I did what I could, said you should met with your friends, take some time for yourself to get your feet on the ground again. You told me, that me being here felt right in your head, but your guts told you something else. You told me, this is too much for you, you need your friends and your family and I can clearly understand that. You said there would be no space for me, because they are an essential structure for you and you need and want to see them everyday. That you can’t give me the love I need and deserve. Maybe it was the distance too, after all 1.000 km are a lot. You said, you have problems being close to someone, letting someone new into your live. In the past, you thought it were the men, but now you clearly realized, it is you, because you said it can’t be me. And to be honest, I now know, that I am a good person, a person that cares and listens. A person that loves unconditionally, a person that loves others as a whole and a person that is ready to fight together. You said you think your unable to form a relationship and I disagreed. As humans we all strive for meaning, love and acknowledgment through being close to someone. Me being here, in your home, so close and real, was the trigger for this all and brought the hammer down. You said maybe this dream was not for you or you were not ready for it. Maybe it was all too fast, but I believe you were not ready for it yet. I believe in dreams, but I also understand the difference between a dream and a castle in the sky. But dreams are one of our most precious possession, something worth fighting for, something worth living for. I could sense you being afraid, a fear I once knew to well. The thing about fear is, that it can imprison and cage you, if you don’t overcome it. If you fight, you can win or loose, but if you run away, you already lost. In my eyes you ran away and this is a sad truth you have to face.
You told me, it would be better if I would leave and I was in shock. It took me a couple of minutes to understand your words. It felt like everything on my mind was tossed around, I couldn’t see clearly anymore and I just felt sadness. It hurt. It hurt in this way, like one can only get hurt, when one lets another person close, close to the heart. It felt like the dream was over, the bubble popped and I was back in reality. But there was still solid ground beneath my feet. I wasn’t falling into the abyss, like I did in the past. I told you how I was feeling, I shed some tears and told you what you mean to me and what kind of person you are in my eyes. A wonderful person. That you placed a lantern in my world, when it was dark and that lantern pointed me towards the end of the tunnel. I am thankful for this and would like to return the favor. I could clearly see the weight of your decision in your sad face. I told you, I am not mad at you. I am not angry nor enraged. I know from myself, that we don’t choose the ghosts and shadows in our minds. But we are still responsible for our choices and decisions that hurt others. I told you, it hurts and I am just sad. I appreciate your honesty, a sad truth is better than the most beautiful lie. I wish for you, that you can find to yourself and find the root of your fear.
I packed my stuff and left. On the ride back to the train station we were mostly silent. I started talking to clear my mind, told you things I wanted you to hear. Not because they could change anything, because I wanted them to be said. I asked how we would continue and we both agreed, that we wanted to stay in touch. I said, that you should give me the owl back, once your sure, that we should stay friends. At the train station I hugged you for a last time and told you that I really like you. You told me the same. I said I want to give you your time to get your head and thoughts sorted and that I would love to hear from you then. You asked me to message you, once I am back home and I agreed. Your face was full of sadness, you couldn’t even smile and I could sense you being ashamed. I asked you for a last smile, so I could remember you with one and you smiled. As our paths diverged I looked one last time at you, while you were walking away. I left with sadness in my eyes and a faint smile on my lips.
I called a good friend to talk before I boarded my train and headed back home, 1.000 km to the north. I cried during the ride and just wanted to be home. I asked myself, why would this happen to me, don’t I deserve happiness too? Why am I always the one, who gets hurt? Are my needs not able to be satisfied? These thoughts vanished as quickly as they came. There are many things in this world, that I can’t influence, things that I can only accept. Many choices are not mine to make. The ride felt like an eternity. I had so many questions in my head, what I should have done different, what else I could have done, but deep down in my mind I already knew the answer. Nothing. Once I arrived back home. I messaged you and I just had to ask you. You said there was nothing I could do and that I already did more than you expected. I listened and talked to you, tried to understand you, that was all I could do and could have done. I was back home and knew, that I had to take care of myself, that I needed to talk with people close to me, to get my thoughts sorted. I still have many questions, questions you may answer one day and questions, where only time knows the answer. I consciously decided to keep following my way.
A couple of days later you messaged me, that you wanted to send the owl back to me. You said you cant give me, what I need and deserve and that you can’t engage in an romantic relationship with me. I respect your decision, but I think, that you can give me what I need and deserve, because I think otherwise, I hadn’t let you this close to me. But I also know, that when you can’t give me what I long for, that I have to look somewhere else. You said you need time for yourself and have to put yourself first now and I can clearly understand that. In my mind this is the right choice and I also need some time for my thoughts and myself. You said a lot of things got cluttered in your head and that you have many fond memories of our talks and the moments we shared. You said you like me, but not enough for love. I think love has to grow like a flower. Someone close once told me, love is a choice and the more I thought about that, the more I have to agree with her. I know what I saw in your eyes, but it was not my choice to make. You said your deeply sorry, for what happened, that you hurt me the way you did. That you would like our paths to cross again, after some time has passed, because we still have our connection of dreams and thoughts. Is this the end of this story? I don’t think so, it is the end of this chapter and only time knows the answer. In my eyes this book has many blank pages left for another chapter. It will be different, when we met again, but different doesn’t mean worse.
I am sad and thinking about what could have been, how this dream could have progressed, what could have been and what will be. Nobody knows, what the future could have brought and how this flower could have grown. This sadness feels like a weight pulling me down, but I am still swimming. I miss you, your words and presence, but above all I need to fill that hole you left with myself. But now this is a dream of many others. Still a dream, a dream I wanna keep close. A dream is something special, something that defines a person, like the wish to live. I am still a dreamer, I believe in my dreams, they give me a purpose and I wanna live my dreams, while awake. I clearly know now, what I want and need, what I long and strive for. The lesson to learn is, that even if you do everything right, even if you do everything you could possible do, there are things you can’t control, maybe influence, but in the end, you have to accept them. Not every choice is yours to make. I just wanna say, how much I appreciate this world, this life and the people close to me.
Dear Anna,
I don’t hold a grudge against you, I don’t condemn you for your decision. Fear is only human, but we still have a choice, we always do. On the contrary I am happy, that we met. I am glad, that we shared moments of light together, that we shared our thoughts and dreams. I am thankful, that you showed me, what kind of person I am, how much I like this person and that I have a good connection to my emotions. You showed me, that I am on the right path and that I should continue my way. I want you to be happy and find back to yourself. I want you to smile and laugh, to shine, like I saw you shine. I wish, that you can find the answers for your questions, a clear path to follow and the help you need. I wish, that you can conquer your fear and find the root. I wish that you can live your dream. You are a wonderful person and sadly, there are not enough wonderful people on this planet. I am glad, that our paths crossed twice and hope that they will cross again for a third time. Anna I really like you and still think we have a special connection, a connection to build upon. Only time knows, what the future will bring. “A future is not given to you, it is something you must take for yourself.” But I am looking forward, towards my future with a smile. I can see the potential in your eyes, your heart is at the right place. I hope that one day you can achieve your dreams. My door will always be open for you and I hope that we will meet again so that we can share more of our dreams and thought. I will remember this story and follow the lighthouse. Till then I wish you the best and good luck on your way. Thank you for your honesty and don’t forget to smile and laugh.
Its been a long time, since the fool opened the door. Back then, when he heard them for the first time, they urged him, they pushed him forward, to make that step and open the door. He remembers the nagging in the back of his head, as the voices started to whisper to him. “Do you see it, yes do you see it, can you see it? Look over here, look, LOOK! Don’t ignore us, you cant ignore US. Yes don’t ignore us, we will HURT you if you do.” He remembers the pain, a headache feeling like an explosion, a hand squeezing his brain. “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” “No, no, no, NO, we won’t, we just arrived. Yes we like it here, we will STAY. Look over there, yes look over there, open it, do it, DO IT, OPEN IT!”
He points his gaze towards the door, the pain lessens, he walks towards the door as the whispers continue. “Open it, yes open it. Did you never wonder, whats behind that door? Open it and see, OPEN IT!” It is heavy, he has to use all of his force to push it open. He moves on, the whispers are getting louder, “go, move on, GO!” As he steps to the other side, the voices are silent, as if they were just a product of his mind. The fool fell and the dreamer emerged.
The realm of dreams, where reality crumbles, an oasis of hope in the land of chaos. A place where nothing is and all can be, where a second can be days and years just a second. And in this place he found it, the unwanted child, the product of madness and dreams, it all makes sense now. The voices have two faces of there own, a unity of mind and matter, two sides of the same coin, opposites in nature but so close. The dream he longed for, the place of his visions. “Finally home”, he whispers.
“Wake up, you have to wake up, you have to move on”, “no” he mumbles, “let me stay here just a moment longer.” “WAKE UP!” His eyes open, as reality crumbles around himself. In this land of ash, where fire cleansed the rot, the unwanted child lies next to him. As he embraces the child, the madman knows, what his purpose is and why he lost it. “LIVE, BREATHE!” The whispers grow silent, as if he never heard them. The child of change, the seed of hope, bearer of the roots, a hollow vessel, filled with dreams and madness. The spark to ignite the fire, the birth of a new age, where reality becomes the product of ones mind.