Sometimes music has this power, this might, to lift me up, to sharpen my mind. Drawing all my senses, my whole essence in with its beauty.
Those moments when music transcends my whole mind, when it vibrates through my body and whole being.
Those moments when it is just the perfect, unexpected piece, just right for this one moment, this one mood.
Those moments when time looses its meaning, when the beauty of something reminds you, yes there is still more out there, beauty worth striving, fighting and living for. Beauty encompassing a familiar longing.
My lips form a smile, but my eyes, watery with the faint beginning of tears, stare into the distant of my window, painfully remembering that nothing will endure and all things will come to an end. That the real beauty of things and moments is deeply rooted in there transient and fleeting nature.
This moment will soon be over, this creative impulse, fueled by the sudden and total focus of my being, will slowly fade away. Leaving behind in its wake this sudden realization like a universal truth. Putting the same song on repeat won’t extend this moment. It won’t recreate this moment. It will be something else, something uniquely different. It comes and goes, how it likes, flowing through ones body.
Leaving me behind in awe about the realm of my own imagination and emotions. Leaving me longing and wanting for more, for times long past or times in the distant future. While knowing all to well, how pointless this may be.
Maybe just for once…
Just close your eyes, And sharpen your mind, Let your thoughts wander, Following that falling star,
What fruits will come, From that mighty tree, The bosom of creativity, The gifts of imagination.
The old priestess smiled warmly at them, proudly showing off her white teeth, dimples and wrinkles. She was dressed in the usual white and red, the circular amulet representing the Mother hanging down from a chain tied around her neck. All befitting her profession and standing in the clergy. With gesturing hands she invited them to come in. “Greetings travelers, the Mother shall embrace thee. Come in, sit, don’t be shy. Make yourselves comfortable and have some tea, it’s freshly brewed.” As they seated themselves arround a wooden table, she busied herself with filling four earthenware cups placed in front of them with hot and steaming liquid. Taking one for herself she continued after appreciating the mild flavor and enjoying a sip of tea. “I knew you would come here. I know it since I saw the three of you arriving yesterday in this town. I heard the stories about you. Word and stories travel fast and far in this lands. Especially stories about the three blessed by the spirits, the three without memories. Memories you surely want to reclaim? If you believe this possible then there is only one place that could be your destination. I can guess this much after seeing you here. Since you naturally know little about these lands, our stories, tales or customs, allow me to tell you a story. How it came to the Dreaming Woods you soon must treat in the hopes of finding a way to the heart of the forest. A story about two dreams embracing one another“
“40 years ago in the year 290 after the Mothers ascend, this town, the lands up to the river Moorn in the west, the now vast forest in the north, the lands up to the grasslands in the east, all those lands belonged to the Kingdom of Salin. A kingdom build around the concept of exploiting it’s inhabitants, like so many more. A kingdom ruled by a ambitious and greedy king, like so many more. A king treating his subjects with neither care nor empathy. Preferring to refer to them as his property and tools instead. A fair and gentle king sadly is a rarity these days. Even a decent one is sometimes hard to come by. But enough with me mumblings.”
“Is the tea any good? It’s green tea flavored with cherry blossoms. A precious gift that tastes best if shared.”
Looking at them she continued without waiting for a answer. Acknowledging their eager nods as confirmation that the tea is indeed good.
“You must know, sometimes when children live on borrowed time, their flames still refusing to burn out and unfulfilled wishes keeping them in this world, they fall into a deathlike slumber. They dream and in their dreams the Mother visits them. Blessing those with pure intend, embracing them as her kin. If those children awake, they awake with newfound blessings, spreading them into the world as beacons of light in the dark. For the Mother loves all her children equally and wishes for their blossom.”
“In the year 290 a girl in a village at the west bank of the river Moorn faced certain death. They girl had been sickly and bedridden for most of her life, but she defied death with willpower, chance and luck alone. Clinging to life with her frail and weak body. While she fought and fought, the Mother embraced her sweet child in slumber, granting her her dearest wish. Always in the need of the care of others, she desired nothing more then to return the favor in kind. Her hands could now heal the burdens of this world. Her touch a cure for every sickness known to men of anyone but herself. But not just a cure, an embrace of kindness, the Mothers unconditional love. Now she could return the favor of kindness, cherish her sacrifice for this world, a world she knew so little about.”
“To return a favor in kind, ’twas her wish.”
“Still chained to her bed by her frail body, people came from far and wide, all in the need of the girls gift. She helped as much as she could, touched as many as she could, but never did it seem enough. The hearts of people are full of love and sadly also full of darkness. Favors were returned in kind, but also gifts accepted with hateful eyes. Adored, envied and even feared, so close and yet so distant. The people fought over her touch, fighting over her touch like a possession. Elevated on a pedestal and degraded at the same time. No one could stand beside her, really understand her now. The actions of the people frightened her, she could understand none of it at all. Soon solitude became her closest friend, lonely sadness engulfing her spirit, deeply embracing her. More and more she became just a something, a means to an end, expected to comply like a doll. Degraded by the people and even worse by herself. Insanity spreads far and wide, infecting many minds. But who is to blame, when we all are imperfect beings, easily corrupted by greed and power? And often the architects of our own delusions?” A painful memory adorning her face as she continued. “Her wish was nothing more than to return a favor received in kind but now she became engulfed in the flames of power. Once word reached the king of Salin, Salin the 6th a cruel tragedy of a man, he sent his soldiers for the girl. He brought the girl under his dark wings, using her wish for his own good. All to achieve his own ambitions and further his own influence and power. A sacrifice freely given, now stained by the nasty stench of greed.”
“The king imprisoned her in a wing of his castle, only sending for her once the need arose. A castle standing on top of a hill, surrounded by a town, sharing the name with the kingdom. As a child she knew no better than to comply. Her world had now become a cage, her dream had been shattered. First she struggled, she had regained little power, so her frail body forsake her. Then she wept and wept. And once the weeping stopped there was just silence. She just sat there motionless in the eerie silence. Resigned to her fate, enduring like a broken doll, devoid of all hope. She could not endure it any longer. Her spirit escaping to the forsaken places deep inside one’s own mind. She of all people, a girl whose touch is the embrace of kindness itself. But the year 290 was truly a blessed one for the world because half a year later the Mother granted the wish of a boy in a village east of this town. A boy whose love for life, art and creation itself had kept him in this world. Spreading flowers as far as he could.But there was no escape from the king’s iron grip. Soon shattering his dream and freedom. The King had him do his bidding, in silence he complied. Powerless and broken, as he did not want to hurt a soul.”
“To embrace life itself, ’tis was his wish.”
“The feeble girl was trapped all alone in her suffering till one fateful day. When the guards shoved a boy into the cell opposite to her. A boy whose touch brought the soil to live, giving birth to every plant and flower known to this world and his imagination. A wish as hers, born out of compassion. Now his hollow eyes and sad smile, adorned with love and pain, tell a story of compassion long gone cold. Of a dream once born out of a wish for life and the desire for creation. Now a twisted nightmare of life, resembling a existence in a cage. By chance their lives collided and their curses of solitude were broken. The girl could feel a little warmth inside her chest, a doll coming back to life. The guards left and soon their gazes of sparked curiosity met. The girl smiled at the boy, a kind and warm smile, not just with her lips but with her eyes too. Her smile lit a visible spark up in his eyes filling them with splinters of life. As he returned the smile of kindness the dark veil weakend, a veil whom had encased him for far too long. A ray of hope breaking through the dark clouds. Leaving him with the desire to return the gift of her smile in kind. He softly caressed the ground with great care. Soon the dirt gave birth to a small white moonflower with five petals. A crown adorned with hope, a shining beacon illuminating the dark corridor, now a weakening prison of despair. A reflection of ones emotions, a product of compassion. The girl, enchanted and encouraged by the sudden beauty of the white flower and unexpected change in the colors surrounding her, pulled all her strength together, dragging herself towards the bars of her cell. Leaving her blanket of agony behind. Stretching her hand trough the gaps of the iron bars, trying to reach as far as she could. The boy, now sitting at the bars of his cell, followed her in suit. Also extending his arm as far as he could. With much effort their fingers met in the middle of the now warmly illuminated corridor. Two dreams embracing one another and cherishing a wish.”
“Her touch, a radiant warmth flowing from her fingers, a soft wave of comfort, bringing tears to his eyes. A warm embrace, reminding him of the Mothers caress. The kindling of a embers, compassion lit anew. The clouds of resentment forgotten, existence transformed back into life. Giving birth to the boys final creation and wish. Flowers bursting from the ground, adorning the iron bars in full bloom and where the boy just sat, tears still adorning his eyes, a tree began to grow, embracing the girl whom the boys touch had clad in flowers of soft red and white. Racing swiftly and full of life towards the sky. Splitting the castle in two, so enormous was its growth. Transforming the prison into a garden and changing these lands for times to come. People were flung into the air and then caught on the tops of newly emerging trees. Miraculously not a single soul perished, all were escorted on the treetops towards the outskirts of a newly grown, dense and enormous forest. The people survived, but the town, the castle and the kingdom were no more. Even the king had survived, but not for long. Killed by his own kind, a fitting end by a deadly knife hidden in the night. The lands greedily devoured by his former neighbors. Once the girl emerged back into the light she was greeted by a sea of flowers, clad in brilliant colors. The gardens at the bottom of the giant and always blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest, the heart of the Dreaming Woods.”
“Once there was a castle, up on the radiant hill, surrounded by a town, the heart of the Kingdom of Salin. Now it is the heart of the giant forest north of our town. The hill became its birthplace. The place where the heart of the forest, a beautiful and always blooming cherry tree reaching far into the sky was born. The benevolent Heart of the Dreaming Woods. A sentient tree, because a boy once wished to become one.”
“To make a sacrifice, ’twas his wish.”
“To protect a sacrifice, ’tis his promise.“
“To embrace life itself, ’twas his creation.”
“Flowers blossomed far and wide, trees and plants grew, providing food for those in need. But also shrouding the ways towards the heart in mystery. Folk travel there from far and wide, gathering at the outskirts of the Dreaming Woods, eagerly awaiting guidance. The forest will guide those with honest intends on ever changing paths, leading those with ill on wrong and false. It is indeed a forest of dreams, a realm nobody harms nor trespasses. The now eternal guardian of life itself.”
“Her body recovered from its weakened state. Clad in soft red and white, the flowers had nourished her strength. Soon she could stand and then walk on her own again. Welcoming the people in her garden, a garden encompassing a house grown into the trunk of the giant cherry tree. She embraced them, surrounded by life itself. Flowers dancing in the wind, animals bathing in the sun, healing them from their worldly blights. She strolled around in the vast forest and Woodlands, enjoying its beauty and company. As she grew older she appeared at the outskirts of the woods, embracing those in despair. Always returning for the heart when the need arose. Her clothes adorned with living flowers in soft white and red, always accompanied by a sapling of a cherry tree. The sapling blooming in a bag tied around her waist.”
“Some say she even left the forest. Claiming they saw a traveling woman clad in flowers resembling her at many different places. A few even claimed that they saw her near the outskirts of the Red City, the Mothers birthplace. Embracing those with dire fates and vanishing into nearby woods or the night before anyone could really notice. A woman accompanied by a sapling of cherry tree. A blooming sapling illuminating the dark, living in a bag she had tied around her waist. Traveling together, cherishing the beauty of the world. The beauty of kindness, the beauty of compassion, the beauty of love, the beauty of a dream and the beauty of a sacrifice. Beauty whom had saved their minds.”
“Does she have a name?” the red haired woman suddenly asked, breaking the silence that had followed the last spoken words.
“Yonah. Named after a song her mother fell in love with long ago.”
“And his name?”
“His name is long forgotten, forgotten after he became the guardian of dreams.”
“How do you know all this?”, the boy sitting on a chair just blurted out. Clearly not surprised by his own curiosity. “I have known her since she was a child”, the old priestess replied calmly. “I cared for her in the village when she got sick. I visited her a few times in her house at the bottom of the cherry tree. I listened to her story, to all she had to say. And then I listened to the whispers of the tree. What he wanted me to listen to. What stories he had to tell.”
“The heart shall be your destination. She who lives there is the one you seek. And if your fates align, maybe even your destiny. If so you shall meet her in her gardens beneath a blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest hidden deep inside the Dreaming Woods.”
“She is the one who told me – Beauty will save the mind”, “beauty will save the world.”
“He is the one who whispered – It will save the mind from the curse of existence and meaningless greed.”
“In unison they added – Then the people might try to save the world themselves, to preserve its beauty not only for their own selfish needs.”
“A cherished dream so easily forgotten. Yet in full bloom and carving out its own fate. A hopeful reminder that a sacrifice can indeed bring with it the winds of change. A sudden breeze may turn into a gust. A harbinger of storms to come. I choose to believe that beauty will always prevail and blossom. After all ’tis the Mothers wish. For her kingdom is one of beauty and compassion. The utopia a fool dreamed of long ago. A dream giving birth to the Mothers sacrifice and ascension. A sacrifice to protect the idea of this world from approaching darkness, like a candle in the night. The idea of relinquishing selfish desires that are not our own. To free us from our own delusions so we can live how the world should be and not how it is.”
“Beauty will save the world.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot
To me it often it feels like we are trapped inside the past, the future and sometimes in the present. Our mind just wanders off with thoughts about things that used to be, things we lost, things that could have been and things that will be. At least that’s how it feels for me sometimes. But today I acted in the moment without thinking. I was able to completely be myself, one with myself and acting out of my instincts. Not thinking what others might think, not feeling there glances. Just myself. I think I finally found you, the one I’ve always been, the person I chose to be and not the person someone else wants me to be. And for that experience I am grateful.
I’m finally here, at the top of the mountain. 11 years ago, I never envisioned that I could be here. All I saw was the mountain and nothing else. And now I can see the other side, the other side I heard so many stories about. I think this is the perfect place to lay past grievances to rest, to embrace myself and then walk forward with my memories, as I always do. Thank you, thank you to all of you, everyone who helped me reach the summit. You all will always be a part of myself, living inside my heart.
I’m no longer trapped between worlds, my choice is to live between worlds, the borderline is the place where I’m dancing. I can finally appreciate this gift for what it is, a door to countless worlds and to myself. I can finally accept and appreciate, that I am the way I am. And when sadness finds me again, I will not fight against myself anymore. I will finally accept those feelings and my past as a part of myself. As a part, that makes me whole. “But I, being poor, have only my dreams” was never true.
Because I am a dreamer, Because I choose to be a dreamer, I have my imagination.
Because I am a dreamer, I have the gift of imagination.
Because I am a dreamer, I can open the door and let my mind fly.
Because I am a dreamer, I’ve finally grown back my wings.
I could climb this mountain, I could finally break the chains of my past, Only because I am a dreamer.
A new chapter has just begun and so I stand on top of the mountain, embracing myself and shouting with tears of joy
Me? I’m MAD, a fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer blessed with the gift of imagination. A dreamer dancing on the bridge of worlds. A dreamer who chose to live between worlds. A dreamer who chose to embrace his inner MADness to become whole.
“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Over time, humanity freed itself from the grip of religion, from the answers religion provided and in doing so, lost the divine purpose, provided by the deities. But did we become as gods? Gods in a sense of having control over our selves, our lives, creating things and taking responsibility for our actions?
Science and philosophy tried and are still trying to find answers for all the questions, many of whom had been answered by religion before. For many questions there is only one correct answer, but other question, have many answers. One of this questions, maybe one of the most important questions, is the question about the purpose of our lives, our existence as a individual and as a species. Nature provides us only with a single purpose, to procreate and die. But what can give a purpose, a feeling of fulfillment, happiness, of being whole and coming home?
I don’t think there is a single purpose. Purpose is a flower with many roots and submitted to change. We all try out new things and they often fail. What one person enjoys, might not be your cup of tea. Despite this we collect memories, we come to know, what we like and what we don’t enjoy. What suits us and what not. The foundation our society is build upon, is only made possible, because billions of souls tried something new and because billions of souls failed. We are all the same, just a single light of billions, we all try and fail. To make mistakes and fail, but also to learn from them and to move on, is what connects us as a species and a society. It is what defines us as humans.
But what are the things, that connect us? Things that we love and want to share? Things that we have a passion for? Dreams, thoughts and ideas? Things that enable us to come into contact and form a community? We need this contact, after all we are always in some kind of social group or loosely connected to others.
The first realization is, that our own purpose is connected to the social contact with others. I used to think, that your own purpose can only emerge from yourself, but this is not the complete truth. Purpose is always connected to others and not just to yourself. In some kind of way, purpose is dependent on others.
The second realization is, that everything is destined to end, to break, fail, crumble into dust and fade away at some point. But every end is also a new beginning. And the end of something is necessary so something new can emerge and grow. Every day opens now doors and offers new chances. You just have to see it and have the courage to follow new ways. Everything can birth a purpose, even the end of something. Every experience and every moment can offer meaning. Even if everything is destined to end and to fail at some point, memories still prevail. If everything is destined to end someday, what is so bad at failing then? Tomorrow will be a new dawn, a new beginning, a new chance to fail or to find something precious.
“Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. Is this a curse? Or some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle…and wonder if we’ll ever get the chance to kill him.”
Nier Automata
“Everything that lives is designed to end. They are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. However, life is all about the struggle within this cycle. That is what ‘we’ believe.”
Nier Automata
Those quotes from a work of art stuck with me since I heard them for the first time. Its the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega. But I think I finally discovered there meaning for myself. Life means a new chance and death is the end of something, the destined fail. Only after a end, a new chance is born and the spiral continues. You can see it as a curse or some kind of punishment. I once saw it that way and clang to the past. But in doing so I missed many chances of the present. But it can also be a new chance to find happiness. The search for a purpose is a this never-ending cycle. Only ending with ones death. But is the death truly the end? The end of your personal journey, but someone else will go further, than we could and the cycle continues. The search for a purpose is in itself a purpose of its own. Life is all about the struggle within this cycle, to fail and to try out new things. To open new doors and to find new ways.
As humans wee need each other, we are dependent on each other. We love to share what we love, our thoughts, dreams and creations, to tell stories and to pass on our knowledge. I am just a light of billions and I have my own perspective on the world, as everyone has a personal perspective. And in this world or another world, everyone can find something, that gives him the courage to move on, to try out new things and to follow new ways. We are all the same, we fail more times than we can count in the cycle of life and in doing so this cycle gives our lives a meaning and a purpose.
The first step is to accept yourself as the person you are. To embrace yourself as a whole. When I think about myself I see a boy in the sun, smiling and thinking about the answers for all the questions in my mind. There are no boundaries for ones own imagination, that can express itself in art. Art is our gift of creation, our way to create a countless amounts of worlds and places. Worlds where you can find something precious or learn something new about yourself. Places that you dream of, places that comfort you and places you can visit when you close your eyes.
With art we can express our longings, hopes, wishes, dreams, thoughts and ideas.
With art we can face our fears and in the end overcome our chains.
With our expression in art we can become as gods, creating something with a meaning.
Life in itself is a flower and every new memory, experience and creation a new blossom.