To me it often it feels like we are trapped inside the past, the future and sometimes in the present. Our mind just wanders off with thoughts about things that used to be, things we lost, things that could have been and things that will be. At least that’s how it feels for me sometimes. But today I acted in the moment without thinking. I was able to completely be myself, one with myself and acting out of my instincts. Not thinking what others might think, not feeling there glances. Just myself. I think I finally found you, the one I’ve always been, the person I chose to be and not the person someone else wants me to be. And for that experience I am grateful.
I’m finally here, at the top of the mountain. 11 years ago, I never envisioned that I could be here. All I saw was the mountain and nothing else. And now I can see the other side, the other side I heard so many stories about. I think this is the perfect place to lay past grievances to rest, to embrace myself and then walk forward with my memories, as I always do. Thank you, thank you to all of you, everyone who helped me reach the summit. You all will always be a part of myself, living inside my heart.
I’m no longer trapped between worlds, my choice is to live between worlds, the borderline is the place where I’m dancing. I can finally appreciate this gift for what it is, a door to countless worlds and to myself. I can finally accept and appreciate, that I am the way I am. And when sadness finds me again, I will not fight against myself anymore. I will finally accept those feelings and my past as a part of myself. As a part, that makes me whole. “But I, being poor, have only my dreams” was never true.
Because I am a dreamer, Because I choose to be a dreamer, I have my imagination.
Because I am a dreamer, I have the gift of imagination.
Because I am a dreamer, I can open the door and let my mind fly.
Because I am a dreamer, I’ve finally grown back my wings.
I could climb this mountain, I could finally break the chains of my past, Only because I am a dreamer.
A new chapter has just begun and so I stand on top of the mountain, embracing myself and shouting with tears of joy
Me? I’m MAD, a fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer blessed with the gift of imagination. A dreamer dancing on the bridge of worlds. A dreamer who chose to live between worlds. A dreamer who chose to embrace his inner MADness to become whole.
“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Over time, humanity freed itself from the grip of religion, from the answers religion provided and in doing so, lost the divine purpose, provided by the deities. But did we become as gods? Gods in a sense of having control over our selves, our lives, creating things and taking responsibility for our actions?
Science and philosophy tried and are still trying to find answers for all the questions, many of whom had been answered by religion before. For many questions there is only one correct answer, but other question, have many answers. One of this questions, maybe one of the most important questions, is the question about the purpose of our lives, our existence as a individual and as a species. Nature provides us only with a single purpose, to procreate and die. But what can give a purpose, a feeling of fulfillment, happiness, of being whole and coming home?
I don’t think there is a single purpose. Purpose is a flower with many roots and submitted to change. We all try out new things and they often fail. What one person enjoys, might not be your cup of tea. Despite this we collect memories, we come to know, what we like and what we don’t enjoy. What suits us and what not. The foundation our society is build upon, is only made possible, because billions of souls tried something new and because billions of souls failed. We are all the same, just a single light of billions, we all try and fail. To make mistakes and fail, but also to learn from them and to move on, is what connects us as a species and a society. It is what defines us as humans.
But what are the things, that connect us? Things that we love and want to share? Things that we have a passion for? Dreams, thoughts and ideas? Things that enable us to come into contact and form a community? We need this contact, after all we are always in some kind of social group or loosely connected to others.
The first realization is, that our own purpose is connected to the social contact with others. I used to think, that your own purpose can only emerge from yourself, but this is not the complete truth. Purpose is always connected to others and not just to yourself. In some kind of way, purpose is dependent on others.
The second realization is, that everything is destined to end, to break, fail, crumble into dust and fade away at some point. But every end is also a new beginning. And the end of something is necessary so something new can emerge and grow. Every day opens now doors and offers new chances. You just have to see it and have the courage to follow new ways. Everything can birth a purpose, even the end of something. Every experience and every moment can offer meaning. Even if everything is destined to end and to fail at some point, memories still prevail. If everything is destined to end someday, what is so bad at failing then? Tomorrow will be a new dawn, a new beginning, a new chance to fail or to find something precious.
“Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. Is this a curse? Or some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle…and wonder if we’ll ever get the chance to kill him.”
Nier Automata
“Everything that lives is designed to end. They are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. However, life is all about the struggle within this cycle. That is what ‘we’ believe.”
Nier Automata
Those quotes from a work of art stuck with me since I heard them for the first time. Its the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega. But I think I finally discovered there meaning for myself. Life means a new chance and death is the end of something, the destined fail. Only after a end, a new chance is born and the spiral continues. You can see it as a curse or some kind of punishment. I once saw it that way and clang to the past. But in doing so I missed many chances of the present. But it can also be a new chance to find happiness. The search for a purpose is a this never-ending cycle. Only ending with ones death. But is the death truly the end? The end of your personal journey, but someone else will go further, than we could and the cycle continues. The search for a purpose is in itself a purpose of its own. Life is all about the struggle within this cycle, to fail and to try out new things. To open new doors and to find new ways.
As humans wee need each other, we are dependent on each other. We love to share what we love, our thoughts, dreams and creations, to tell stories and to pass on our knowledge. I am just a light of billions and I have my own perspective on the world, as everyone has a personal perspective. And in this world or another world, everyone can find something, that gives him the courage to move on, to try out new things and to follow new ways. We are all the same, we fail more times than we can count in the cycle of life and in doing so this cycle gives our lives a meaning and a purpose.
The first step is to accept yourself as the person you are. To embrace yourself as a whole. When I think about myself I see a boy in the sun, smiling and thinking about the answers for all the questions in my mind. There are no boundaries for ones own imagination, that can express itself in art. Art is our gift of creation, our way to create a countless amounts of worlds and places. Worlds where you can find something precious or learn something new about yourself. Places that you dream of, places that comfort you and places you can visit when you close your eyes.
With art we can express our longings, hopes, wishes, dreams, thoughts and ideas.
With art we can face our fears and in the end overcome our chains.
With our expression in art we can become as gods, creating something with a meaning.
Life in itself is a flower and every new memory, experience and creation a new blossom.
I wanna write down my perspective of this story so I can remember it and the lessons it taught me. I wanna put this story in my diary and with this story another pearl on my necklace of fond memories. It is a story worth remembering and not just a dream. It is something real. I want this world to remember and, that we lived, breathed and dreamed. I want you to read this story. A story that showed me clearly, what kind of person I am, what connection I have to my emotions and that I am on the right path in my life. That I am proud to be this person and that I can finally look into the mirror and feel whole.
Dear Anna,
I still remember the day we met. It was 2 years ago, I think at the end of may 2019. I remember I wanted to leave at first, but then I stayed. I liked you, you had a open mind, dreams in your head and the wish to live. When you had to go, I drew you a ship. Your own ship, where you are your own captain. A vessel, that could bring you closer to your dreams, to the places you wanted to see, to the feelings you wanted to feel, closer to your emotions and yourself.
I thought, I would never see you again, never hear a word from you again. You would go your way and I would follow my path. To my surprise, you messaged me half a year ago and our paths met again. You wanted to hear, how I was doing and we started writing. You came back into my life, when I was struggling with my way. You showed me the lighthouse, I wasn’t seeing in the fog and my ship could follow its course again. We started to write more and more, our texts became essays about the world, our dreams, our fears and emotions.
1.000 km apart we started to talk for hours, sharing our thoughts and emotions. Debating about life and dreams. Talking about the future and our visions for it, a fair and gentle world. You inspired my thinking and I think I did the same to you. You shared your dream to move one day to hamburg. A while later you told me, you would come to hamburg, to visit some friends and wanted to see me too. I was amazed and was looking forward to meeting you. I took a liking to you though or talks and thoughts, I started to feel more than liking you, but I told my head to not go overboard. You told me later, once we met, that you started to feel the same.
And then you were here. I was nervous, excited to see you and still not sure, if you would feel the same. I was pent up and couldn’t really sleep the night before. We made dinner, watched a movie and talked. I remember this magical moment, when our eyes made contact and your eyes had the same longing and wish inside them as mine. We kissed and it felt so unreal. Like a moment out of a dream, but it was real. I couldn’t believe it first, but I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t dreaming, I was awake, alive and breathing.
We saw each other again on the day after and it still felt so good. I saw the happiness in your eyes and my mind was at peace. I was smiling, you were smiling and we shared some wonderful moments together. It still felt like a dream, but a real dream. A dream one could dream with open eyes, a dream one could dream, when awake. You had to leave the next day and we wouldn’t see each other again for a couple of weeks. I gave you a owl, the symbol of Athena, goddess of wisdom and war and told you, I want us to be honest to each other, because we found something precious and you agreed. We were happy. I was amazed, that I am able to feel like this, that my connection to my own emotions had grown so strong and that I was ready for the future.
It felt beautiful, so beautiful, because it was unexpected, a feeling I never experienced in this way before. Different, than any happiness I tasted before. I think that I got older and more settled with myself played also a big role. We wanted to take good care of this flower, wanted to see it grow and blossom. I thought we had a good soil, sharing the same dream of living, the same wish to breathe and be free, the longing for something more, something meaningful. Sharing art as our passion and to be honest, I never met a person like you in my life before. A person, that accepted me with all my flaws and scars and I accepted you as the person you are. I could be myself, 100 percent myself. A fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer, dreaming in reality. I told you, that in my eyes, love means to sacrifice, not sacrifice of ones self, but to make compromises. Or with the words of Andrzej Sapkowki: “And what kind of love would it be if the one who loves were not capable of a little sacrifice?” There are no perfect relationships, there are just compatible persons and then a lot of work. You agreed.
And then we met again, I was excited but also nervous. You picked me up at the train station and once we arrived at your home something felt different. You couldn’t eat much and had a headache, clouds in your head, those were signs I picked up. I couldn’t put my finger on it, you had worked 12 hours that day and were pretty exhausted. I thought it was just that. I wanted to give you your space, time to regenerate and we went to bed early. I woke up at 6 am the next day and when I felt back into my slumber I had a dream I still remember. In the open desert of this dream I met two women. Both were wearing black and one had her eyes covered by a veil, the other one had her moth covered with an bandana. They tried me to warn me of something, I couldn’t understand them, couldn’t hear there words. And then I woke up again. Now I understand clearly that my subconscious picked up all those little signs. To see things other people cant see, to pick up those little signs and to see the potential in others, is the gift, the world bestowed on me.
Something had changed, maybe I didn’t wanted to believe it a first, but now I could clearly see it. You started to cry and we talked. I held your hand and just listened to your words. You couldn’t endure my touch anymore, you were so sad and I felt helpless. I did what I could, said you should met with your friends, take some time for yourself to get your feet on the ground again. You told me, that me being here felt right in your head, but your guts told you something else. You told me, this is too much for you, you need your friends and your family and I can clearly understand that. You said there would be no space for me, because they are an essential structure for you and you need and want to see them everyday. That you can’t give me the love I need and deserve. Maybe it was the distance too, after all 1.000 km are a lot. You said, you have problems being close to someone, letting someone new into your live. In the past, you thought it were the men, but now you clearly realized, it is you, because you said it can’t be me. And to be honest, I now know, that I am a good person, a person that cares and listens. A person that loves unconditionally, a person that loves others as a whole and a person that is ready to fight together. You said you think your unable to form a relationship and I disagreed. As humans we all strive for meaning, love and acknowledgment through being close to someone. Me being here, in your home, so close and real, was the trigger for this all and brought the hammer down. You said maybe this dream was not for you or you were not ready for it. Maybe it was all too fast, but I believe you were not ready for it yet. I believe in dreams, but I also understand the difference between a dream and a castle in the sky. But dreams are one of our most precious possession, something worth fighting for, something worth living for. I could sense you being afraid, a fear I once knew to well. The thing about fear is, that it can imprison and cage you, if you don’t overcome it. If you fight, you can win or loose, but if you run away, you already lost. In my eyes you ran away and this is a sad truth you have to face.
You told me, it would be better if I would leave and I was in shock. It took me a couple of minutes to understand your words. It felt like everything on my mind was tossed around, I couldn’t see clearly anymore and I just felt sadness. It hurt. It hurt in this way, like one can only get hurt, when one lets another person close, close to the heart. It felt like the dream was over, the bubble popped and I was back in reality. But there was still solid ground beneath my feet. I wasn’t falling into the abyss, like I did in the past. I told you how I was feeling, I shed some tears and told you what you mean to me and what kind of person you are in my eyes. A wonderful person. That you placed a lantern in my world, when it was dark and that lantern pointed me towards the end of the tunnel. I am thankful for this and would like to return the favor. I could clearly see the weight of your decision in your sad face. I told you, I am not mad at you. I am not angry nor enraged. I know from myself, that we don’t choose the ghosts and shadows in our minds. But we are still responsible for our choices and decisions that hurt others. I told you, it hurts and I am just sad. I appreciate your honesty, a sad truth is better than the most beautiful lie. I wish for you, that you can find to yourself and find the root of your fear.
I packed my stuff and left. On the ride back to the train station we were mostly silent. I started talking to clear my mind, told you things I wanted you to hear. Not because they could change anything, because I wanted them to be said. I asked how we would continue and we both agreed, that we wanted to stay in touch. I said, that you should give me the owl back, once your sure, that we should stay friends. At the train station I hugged you for a last time and told you that I really like you. You told me the same. I said I want to give you your time to get your head and thoughts sorted and that I would love to hear from you then. You asked me to message you, once I am back home and I agreed. Your face was full of sadness, you couldn’t even smile and I could sense you being ashamed. I asked you for a last smile, so I could remember you with one and you smiled. As our paths diverged I looked one last time at you, while you were walking away. I left with sadness in my eyes and a faint smile on my lips.
I called a good friend to talk before I boarded my train and headed back home, 1.000 km to the north. I cried during the ride and just wanted to be home. I asked myself, why would this happen to me, don’t I deserve happiness too? Why am I always the one, who gets hurt? Are my needs not able to be satisfied? These thoughts vanished as quickly as they came. There are many things in this world, that I can’t influence, things that I can only accept. Many choices are not mine to make. The ride felt like an eternity. I had so many questions in my head, what I should have done different, what else I could have done, but deep down in my mind I already knew the answer. Nothing. Once I arrived back home. I messaged you and I just had to ask you. You said there was nothing I could do and that I already did more than you expected. I listened and talked to you, tried to understand you, that was all I could do and could have done. I was back home and knew, that I had to take care of myself, that I needed to talk with people close to me, to get my thoughts sorted. I still have many questions, questions you may answer one day and questions, where only time knows the answer. I consciously decided to keep following my way.
A couple of days later you messaged me, that you wanted to send the owl back to me. You said you cant give me, what I need and deserve and that you can’t engage in an romantic relationship with me. I respect your decision, but I think, that you can give me what I need and deserve, because I think otherwise, I hadn’t let you this close to me. But I also know, that when you can’t give me what I long for, that I have to look somewhere else. You said you need time for yourself and have to put yourself first now and I can clearly understand that. In my mind this is the right choice and I also need some time for my thoughts and myself. You said a lot of things got cluttered in your head and that you have many fond memories of our talks and the moments we shared. You said you like me, but not enough for love. I think love has to grow like a flower. Someone close once told me, love is a choice and the more I thought about that, the more I have to agree with her. I know what I saw in your eyes, but it was not my choice to make. You said your deeply sorry, for what happened, that you hurt me the way you did. That you would like our paths to cross again, after some time has passed, because we still have our connection of dreams and thoughts. Is this the end of this story? I don’t think so, it is the end of this chapter and only time knows the answer. In my eyes this book has many blank pages left for another chapter. It will be different, when we met again, but different doesn’t mean worse.
I am sad and thinking about what could have been, how this dream could have progressed, what could have been and what will be. Nobody knows, what the future could have brought and how this flower could have grown. This sadness feels like a weight pulling me down, but I am still swimming. I miss you, your words and presence, but above all I need to fill that hole you left with myself. But now this is a dream of many others. Still a dream, a dream I wanna keep close. A dream is something special, something that defines a person, like the wish to live. I am still a dreamer, I believe in my dreams, they give me a purpose and I wanna live my dreams, while awake. I clearly know now, what I want and need, what I long and strive for. The lesson to learn is, that even if you do everything right, even if you do everything you could possible do, there are things you can’t control, maybe influence, but in the end, you have to accept them. Not every choice is yours to make. I just wanna say, how much I appreciate this world, this life and the people close to me.
Dear Anna,
I don’t hold a grudge against you, I don’t condemn you for your decision. Fear is only human, but we still have a choice, we always do. On the contrary I am happy, that we met. I am glad, that we shared moments of light together, that we shared our thoughts and dreams. I am thankful, that you showed me, what kind of person I am, how much I like this person and that I have a good connection to my emotions. You showed me, that I am on the right path and that I should continue my way. I want you to be happy and find back to yourself. I want you to smile and laugh, to shine, like I saw you shine. I wish, that you can find the answers for your questions, a clear path to follow and the help you need. I wish, that you can conquer your fear and find the root. I wish that you can live your dream. You are a wonderful person and sadly, there are not enough wonderful people on this planet. I am glad, that our paths crossed twice and hope that they will cross again for a third time. Anna I really like you and still think we have a special connection, a connection to build upon. Only time knows, what the future will bring. “A future is not given to you, it is something you must take for yourself.” But I am looking forward, towards my future with a smile. I can see the potential in your eyes, your heart is at the right place. I hope that one day you can achieve your dreams. My door will always be open for you and I hope that we will meet again so that we can share more of our dreams and thought. I will remember this story and follow the lighthouse. Till then I wish you the best and good luck on your way. Thank you for your honesty and don’t forget to smile and laugh.