The old priestess smiled warmly at them, proudly showing off her white teeth, dimples and wrinkles. She was dressed in the usual white and red, the circular amulet representing the Mother hanging down from a chain tied around her neck. All befitting her profession and standing in the clergy. With gesturing hands she invited them to come in. “Greetings travelers, the Mother shall embrace thee. Come in, sit, don’t be shy. Make yourselves comfortable and have some tea, it’s freshly brewed.” As they seated themselves arround a wooden table, she busied herself with filling four earthenware cups placed in front of them with hot and steaming liquid. Taking one for herself she continued after appreciating the mild flavor and enjoying a sip of tea. “I knew you would come here. I know it since I saw the three of you arriving yesterday in this town. I heard the stories about you. Word and stories travel fast and far in this lands. Especially stories about the three blessed by the spirits, the three without memories. Memories you surely want to reclaim? If you believe this possible then there is only one place that could be your destination. I can guess this much after seeing you here. Since you naturally know little about these lands, our stories, tales or customs, allow me to tell you a story. How it came to the Dreaming Woods you soon must treat in the hopes of finding a way to the heart of the forest. A story about two dreams embracing one another“
“40 years ago in the year 290 after the Mothers ascend, this town, the lands up to the river Moorn in the west, the now vast forest in the north, the lands up to the grasslands in the east, all those lands belonged to the Kingdom of Salin. A kingdom build around the concept of exploiting it’s inhabitants, like so many more. A kingdom ruled by a ambitious and greedy king, like so many more. A king treating his subjects with neither care nor empathy. Preferring to refer to them as his property and tools instead. A fair and gentle king sadly is a rarity these days. Even a decent one is sometimes hard to come by. But enough with me mumblings.”
“Is the tea any good? It’s green tea flavored with cherry blossoms. A precious gift that tastes best if shared.”
Looking at them she continued without waiting for a answer. Acknowledging their eager nods as confirmation that the tea is indeed good.
“You must know, sometimes when children live on borrowed time, their flames still refusing to burn out and unfulfilled wishes keeping them in this world, they fall into a deathlike slumber. They dream and in their dreams the Mother visits them. Blessing those with pure intend, embracing them as her kin. If those children awake, they awake with newfound blessings, spreading them into the world as beacons of light in the dark. For the Mother loves all her children equally and wishes for their blossom.”
“In the year 290 a girl in a village at the west bank of the river Moorn faced certain death. They girl had been sickly and bedridden for most of her life, but she defied death with willpower, chance and luck alone. Clinging to life with her frail and weak body. While she fought and fought, the Mother embraced her sweet child in slumber, granting her her dearest wish. Always in the need of the care of others, she desired nothing more then to return the favor in kind. Her hands could now heal the burdens of this world. Her touch a cure for every sickness known to men of anyone but herself. But not just a cure, an embrace of kindness, the Mothers unconditional love. Now she could return the favor of kindness, cherish her sacrifice for this world, a world she knew so little about.”
“To return a favor in kind, ’twas her wish.”
“Still chained to her bed by her frail body, people came from far and wide, all in the need of the girls gift. She helped as much as she could, touched as many as she could, but never did it seem enough. The hearts of people are full of love and sadly also full of darkness. Favors were returned in kind, but also gifts accepted with hateful eyes. Adored, envied and even feared, so close and yet so distant. The people fought over her touch, fighting over her touch like a possession. Elevated on a pedestal and degraded at the same time. No one could stand beside her, really understand her now. The actions of the people frightened her, she could understand none of it at all. Soon solitude became her closest friend, lonely sadness engulfing her spirit, deeply embracing her. More and more she became just a something, a means to an end, expected to comply like a doll. Degraded by the people and even worse by herself. Insanity spreads far and wide, infecting many minds. But who is to blame, when we all are imperfect beings, easily corrupted by greed and power? And often the architects of our own delusions?” A painful memory adorning her face as she continued. “Her wish was nothing more than to return a favor received in kind but now she became engulfed in the flames of power. Once word reached the king of Salin, Salin the 6th a cruel tragedy of a man, he sent his soldiers for the girl. He brought the girl under his dark wings, using her wish for his own good. All to achieve his own ambitions and further his own influence and power. A sacrifice freely given, now stained by the nasty stench of greed.”
“The king imprisoned her in a wing of his castle, only sending for her once the need arose. A castle standing on top of a hill, surrounded by a town, sharing the name with the kingdom. As a child she knew no better than to comply. Her world had now become a cage, her dream had been shattered. First she struggled, she had regained little power, so her frail body forsake her. Then she wept and wept. And once the weeping stopped there was just silence. She just sat there motionless in the eerie silence. Resigned to her fate, enduring like a broken doll, devoid of all hope. She could not endure it any longer. Her spirit escaping to the forsaken places deep inside one’s own mind. She of all people, a girl whose touch is the embrace of kindness itself. But the year 290 was truly a blessed one for the world because half a year later the Mother granted the wish of a boy in a village east of this town. A boy whose love for life, art and creation itself had kept him in this world. Spreading flowers as far as he could.But there was no escape from the king’s iron grip. Soon shattering his dream and freedom. The King had him do his bidding, in silence he complied. Powerless and broken, as he did not want to hurt a soul.”
“To embrace life itself, ’tis was his wish.”
“The feeble girl was trapped all alone in her suffering till one fateful day. When the guards shoved a boy into the cell opposite to her. A boy whose touch brought the soil to live, giving birth to every plant and flower known to this world and his imagination. A wish as hers, born out of compassion. Now his hollow eyes and sad smile, adorned with love and pain, tell a story of compassion long gone cold. Of a dream once born out of a wish for life and the desire for creation. Now a twisted nightmare of life, resembling a existence in a cage. By chance their lives collided and their curses of solitude were broken. The girl could feel a little warmth inside her chest, a doll coming back to life. The guards left and soon their gazes of sparked curiosity met. The girl smiled at the boy, a kind and warm smile, not just with her lips but with her eyes too. Her smile lit a visible spark up in his eyes filling them with splinters of life. As he returned the smile of kindness the dark veil weakend, a veil whom had encased him for far too long. A ray of hope breaking through the dark clouds. Leaving him with the desire to return the gift of her smile in kind. He softly caressed the ground with great care. Soon the dirt gave birth to a small white moonflower with five petals. A crown adorned with hope, a shining beacon illuminating the dark corridor, now a weakening prison of despair. A reflection of ones emotions, a product of compassion. The girl, enchanted and encouraged by the sudden beauty of the white flower and unexpected change in the colors surrounding her, pulled all her strength together, dragging herself towards the bars of her cell. Leaving her blanket of agony behind. Stretching her hand trough the gaps of the iron bars, trying to reach as far as she could. The boy, now sitting at the bars of his cell, followed her in suit. Also extending his arm as far as he could. With much effort their fingers met in the middle of the now warmly illuminated corridor. Two dreams embracing one another and cherishing a wish.”
“Her touch, a radiant warmth flowing from her fingers, a soft wave of comfort, bringing tears to his eyes. A warm embrace, reminding him of the Mothers caress. The kindling of a embers, compassion lit anew. The clouds of resentment forgotten, existence transformed back into life. Giving birth to the boys final creation and wish. Flowers bursting from the ground, adorning the iron bars in full bloom and where the boy just sat, tears still adorning his eyes, a tree began to grow, embracing the girl whom the boys touch had clad in flowers of soft red and white. Racing swiftly and full of life towards the sky. Splitting the castle in two, so enormous was its growth. Transforming the prison into a garden and changing these lands for times to come. People were flung into the air and then caught on the tops of newly emerging trees. Miraculously not a single soul perished, all were escorted on the treetops towards the outskirts of a newly grown, dense and enormous forest. The people survived, but the town, the castle and the kingdom were no more. Even the king had survived, but not for long. Killed by his own kind, a fitting end by a deadly knife hidden in the night. The lands greedily devoured by his former neighbors. Once the girl emerged back into the light she was greeted by a sea of flowers, clad in brilliant colors. The gardens at the bottom of the giant and always blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest, the heart of the Dreaming Woods.”
“Once there was a castle, up on the radiant hill, surrounded by a town, the heart of the Kingdom of Salin. Now it is the heart of the giant forest north of our town. The hill became its birthplace. The place where the heart of the forest, a beautiful and always blooming cherry tree reaching far into the sky was born. The benevolent Heart of the Dreaming Woods. A sentient tree, because a boy once wished to become one.”
“To make a sacrifice, ’twas his wish.”
“To protect a sacrifice, ’tis his promise.“
“To embrace life itself, ’twas his creation.”
“Flowers blossomed far and wide, trees and plants grew, providing food for those in need. But also shrouding the ways towards the heart in mystery. Folk travel there from far and wide, gathering at the outskirts of the Dreaming Woods, eagerly awaiting guidance. The forest will guide those with honest intends on ever changing paths, leading those with ill on wrong and false. It is indeed a forest of dreams, a realm nobody harms nor trespasses. The now eternal guardian of life itself.”
“Her body recovered from its weakened state. Clad in soft red and white, the flowers had nourished her strength. Soon she could stand and then walk on her own again. Welcoming the people in her garden, a garden encompassing a house grown into the trunk of the giant cherry tree. She embraced them, surrounded by life itself. Flowers dancing in the wind, animals bathing in the sun, healing them from their worldly blights. She strolled around in the vast forest and Woodlands, enjoying its beauty and company. As she grew older she appeared at the outskirts of the woods, embracing those in despair. Always returning for the heart when the need arose. Her clothes adorned with living flowers in soft white and red, always accompanied by a sapling of a cherry tree. The sapling blooming in a bag tied around her waist.”
“Some say she even left the forest. Claiming they saw a traveling woman clad in flowers resembling her at many different places. A few even claimed that they saw her near the outskirts of the Red City, the Mothers birthplace. Embracing those with dire fates and vanishing into nearby woods or the night before anyone could really notice. A woman accompanied by a sapling of cherry tree. A blooming sapling illuminating the dark, living in a bag she had tied around her waist. Traveling together, cherishing the beauty of the world. The beauty of kindness, the beauty of compassion, the beauty of love, the beauty of a dream and the beauty of a sacrifice. Beauty whom had saved their minds.”
“Does she have a name?” the red haired woman suddenly asked, breaking the silence that had followed the last spoken words.
“Yonah. Named after a song her mother fell in love with long ago.”
“And his name?”
“His name is long forgotten, forgotten after he became the guardian of dreams.”
“How do you know all this?”, the boy sitting on a chair just blurted out. Clearly not surprised by his own curiosity. “I have known her since she was a child”, the old priestess replied calmly. “I cared for her in the village when she got sick. I visited her a few times in her house at the bottom of the cherry tree. I listened to her story, to all she had to say. And then I listened to the whispers of the tree. What he wanted me to listen to. What stories he had to tell.”
“The heart shall be your destination. She who lives there is the one you seek. And if your fates align, maybe even your destiny. If so you shall meet her in her gardens beneath a blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest hidden deep inside the Dreaming Woods.”
“She is the one who told me – Beauty will save the mind”, “beauty will save the world.”
“He is the one who whispered – It will save the mind from the curse of existence and meaningless greed.”
“In unison they added – Then the people might try to save the world themselves, to preserve its beauty not only for their own selfish needs.”
“A cherished dream so easily forgotten. Yet in full bloom and carving out its own fate. A hopeful reminder that a sacrifice can indeed bring with it the winds of change. A sudden breeze may turn into a gust. A harbinger of storms to come. I choose to believe that beauty will always prevail and blossom. After all ’tis the Mothers wish. For her kingdom is one of beauty and compassion. The utopia a fool dreamed of long ago. A dream giving birth to the Mothers sacrifice and ascension. A sacrifice to protect the idea of this world from approaching darkness, like a candle in the night. The idea of relinquishing selfish desires that are not our own. To free us from our own delusions so we can live how the world should be and not how it is.”
“Beauty will save the world.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot
For some you are just a thing, a mere tool, an instrument with 88 Keys, but for me your so much more. For me you have a soul of your own, a voice that lives inside your strings and a heart that beats beneath your keys. Your voice is full of emotions and passion. It speaks of love, sadness, happiness, joy and anger. Your soft whisper, when I carefully touch your keys, brings tears to my eyes. Your scream, when I hit your keys, reminds me of myself, when I am struggling at the end of reality.
When I open your cover and remove the cloth to fold it and use it to caress your keys, your soft whisper always invites me to sit down and enjoy your voice. As I child I hated to play the piano. My mom wanted me to play, but I never played for myself, I never played out of joy or happiness, I played, because others wanted me to play. It was chosen for me and not a choice of my own. You are the proof, that I can overcome my past, change the perspective of my own past and find happiness and peace in the things I love. You are the proof, that I have chosen my own path, my own way of life and for that I love you from the bottom of my heart. Our journey has just begun and I am exited to see where it will take us. What emotions we will experience and how your voice full of passion will touch my soul and the soul of others.
You are like me, a hollow vessel, filled with emotions, giving them a voice and inspiring others to go on a journey, learning something new in the process.
My piano is to me what the ship is to the sailor, what a steed is to the Arab. It is the intimate personal depository of everything that stirred wildly in my brain during the most impassioned days of my youth. It was there that all my wishes, all my dreams, all my joys and all my sorrows lay.
“Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.”
It all started with that sentence in the early 2.000s. The last Christmas where everything seemed fine. Where we were all together. The last time as a family. You two and us four. A fire in the fireplace, a train around the Christmas tree and joyful anticipation in our eyes. Me and my siblings taking turns unwrapping our presents and I got the gift I desired. A game for the PlayStation 2, Final Fantasy X.
Later that day I tried it out and got sucked into the beautiful and mysterious world named Spira. “Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.” And what a story it is. A story about personal growth, emotions, love and self sacrifice. About responsibility and friendship. About loss, hate and overcoming ones sorrow. A story about finding a reason to live and move on, when all seems lost. A story accompanied by a musical score, that stuck with me since then. In the opening the reality and city of Tidus gets destroyed and he gets sucked into a different world, far far in the future. And in some kind of way this was a foreshadowing of things to come in my own reality.
After that Christmas my parents both got psychological treatment in the hospital and my dad moved out. I still remember the moment he told us this. I was playing this game and then he called us all to the dining table. My aunt was there too. He told us, that he will move out, that it would only be temporally, that he would be back on day. That we could visit him and that we would get weekends with him and so on. The situation was weird. The whole year after that Christmas was weird. A bubble, that was slowly bursting, a picture that was loosing its color and rotting away, a dream that was falling apart, a dream that maybe never existed. Someday the dream will end.
I was feeling nothing. That year had grinded down my emotions, my emotions I was now hiding behind a wall deep inside myself. I just wanted to escape that situation, it was hard to endure. I just wanted to go back to my game, escape back into that world, that comforted me. To continue the journey with the characters, whom grow on me. I never really finished that game back then, not in a sense, that I could move on. I watched the ending and I didn’t like it back then. It gave me comfort, that I could always return. Fight a few battles, play a few rounds of blitz, watch some cutscenes at the theater and enjoy the music. A form of meditation.
Over the years I visited Spira many times. The story about self sacrifice stuck with me and when my thoughts grow dark and desperate it encouraged me to walk that path and also consider the ultimate sacrifice. 10 years ago I felt like the dumpster of my families Illness, like a vessel for the bad things that had happened. In my eyes it was partly my fault, that all broke apart. I was not an easy child, but today I know, that I was reacting to the behavior of my parents. It was them who failed me and my siblings and it was not me, who failed them. 10 years ago, I thought, if I would end it and sacrifice myself for my family, that it would all come back together. I didn’t live for myself back then and I wouldn’t have died for myself. Today I know, my death would’ve only spread sorrow and tears and would’ve changed nothing in my family. Maybe it would have deepened the trenches, because my parents would had another reason to blame the other party for.
Christmas 2021 I gave myself a present. I bought Final Fantasy X again and played it again. The journey felt familiar and full of emotions, emotions I experienced in this way for the first time while playing this game again. Seeing the characters again felt like meeting old friends. Friends that got you through a tough time. I was amazed by the growth of some characters and how I could relate to the events on screen.
“It would be so easy…to let my fate just carry me away…following this same path my whole life through. But I know…I can’t. What I do, I do…with no regrets.”
“My father… I loved him. So I… I will live with my sorrow, I will live my own life! I will defeat sorrow, in his place. I will stand my ground and be strong. I don’t know when it will be, but someday… I will conquer it. And I will do it without… false hope.“
“Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”
This time I finished the game with a new found appreciation for the story and journey. The ending is bittersweet and sad, but also full of hope. I had to shed some tears. Even if a love is fleeting, there are lessons to be learned, emotions to experience and moments to remember. I will visit this world again, but not to escape, but to enjoy the story and the emotional ride. To hold on for a moment and enjoy the music, like I am doing right now.
“Wind, and my heart swimming in collected words Moved by the wind, in through the world. Clouds, like a voice that we all recognize Carry the holding future.”
“Moon, on the sky as a trembling heart Shown on the glass unsteadily. Stars, shedding tears in an overflowing stream I see the night all around me.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“That soul Inside your body From those conflicted nights As from my dreams.”
“Wind died away, and I feel all the words Led by a gentle illusion. Clouds are the future that cannot be attained Told from impossible distance.”
“The moon filled with night as it flowed through your heart Such faraway reflections. Stars, ripe like tears, like fruit falls from a tree I wipe my dreams off the nighttime.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“To feel your face The touch of memory And now that I awake As from a dream.”
Its been a long time, since the fool opened the door. Back then, when he heard them for the first time, they urged him, they pushed him forward, to make that step and open the door. He remembers the nagging in the back of his head, as the voices started to whisper to him. “Do you see it, yes do you see it, can you see it? Look over here, look, LOOK! Don’t ignore us, you cant ignore US. Yes don’t ignore us, we will HURT you if you do.” He remembers the pain, a headache feeling like an explosion, a hand squeezing his brain. “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” “No, no, no, NO, we won’t, we just arrived. Yes we like it here, we will STAY. Look over there, yes look over there, open it, do it, DO IT, OPEN IT!”
He points his gaze towards the door, the pain lessens, he walks towards the door as the whispers continue. “Open it, yes open it. Did you never wonder, whats behind that door? Open it and see, OPEN IT!” It is heavy, he has to use all of his force to push it open. He moves on, the whispers are getting louder, “go, move on, GO!” As he steps to the other side, the voices are silent, as if they were just a product of his mind. The fool fell and the dreamer emerged.
The realm of dreams, where reality crumbles, an oasis of hope in the land of chaos. A place where nothing is and all can be, where a second can be days and years just a second. And in this place he found it, the unwanted child, the product of madness and dreams, it all makes sense now. The voices have two faces of there own, a unity of mind and matter, two sides of the same coin, opposites in nature but so close. The dream he longed for, the place of his visions. “Finally home”, he whispers.
“Wake up, you have to wake up, you have to move on”, “no” he mumbles, “let me stay here just a moment longer.” “WAKE UP!” His eyes open, as reality crumbles around himself. In this land of ash, where fire cleansed the rot, the unwanted child lies next to him. As he embraces the child, the madman knows, what his purpose is and why he lost it. “LIVE, BREATHE!” The whispers grow silent, as if he never heard them. The child of change, the seed of hope, bearer of the roots, a hollow vessel, filled with dreams and madness. The spark to ignite the fire, the birth of a new age, where reality becomes the product of ones mind.
He’s late, kinda in a hurry, as it’s happening often in the last couple of months. Down the road he goes, to that old meeting place. That one bar at the southern street. He opens the door, routinly checking his watch, 5 min too late, aight thats allright.
I look arround, my gaze checks the whole interior in seconds. The old familiar n red seats, the small tables, the band in the background, kicking some sweet old school jazz. I spot him at the usual table in the corner, chattin with the waitress. I walk over, nodding to some familar faces on the way. The bar is half empty. I clench my right fist, better get this over quick.
“Sorry for letting u wait” I say. ” It’s all good bra, have a seat” he replies and continious towards the waitress “fetch us two of those, would ya? I know ur taste u’ll love this blood.” He smiles a warm smile towards me. I sit down, still not chill. “Relax it’s all good now. I know why u came, wanted to meet up. What can I say, it’s deeply appriciated.”
The waitress brings the drinks, it’s that sweet gin, the one that is made with cherry blossoms and served on the rocks with lime. “Cheers” I say and the glasses cling together. “Tell me” he says “I wanna hear it from ya! In fact, I wanna hear it from myself.” I take another sip and clear my throat. “Brother, blood u know why I’m here, u know what I did, in fact u are me and I’m u.” “I’m u and u are me” he replies. “I opened that one door, I never wanted to open again. I fucked up big time, I broke my word, got careless and ran, just ran away as fast as I could. Hiding and lying to myself. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s the wrong way, I deeply know it, it was never the right way. No excuses, I’m deeply sorry for what I did to me, to u, to us my brother, my blood.” A tear rolls down my cheek, a tear rolls down his cheek.
“I know u r, otherwise u wouldn’t be here. The question is, what do we learn from this mistake? Making one is human, learing nothing from it is just stupid and we ain’t stupid!” He smiles a warm one and I answer his smile with my own. “I gotta take better care of myself, of ourself. I gotta make sure this never happens again. Benni says nothing happens without a reason and he is right. The reason it happend is that we share this table again. It’s been a long time. I missed u, I really did. U are me and I’m u.” I smile, he smiles and repeats “U r me and I’m u.”
“This shit brought me back to this table. How can I make sure to not cancel the next meeting? I gotta stop running, I gotta love myself, I gotta forgive myself, I gotta end this chapter so we can move on bra. So we can enjoy the future, reach for the stars and carve a path for ourselfs. The meaning of live is live itselfs, to enjoy it. To find meaning in an meaningless existence, to give urself a meaning.” “U, I, we came pretty far, ya know. I always loved u and will ever do so brother. Even if we’re lost and ur late. Remember this, I will always chill at this table, waiting for ya. Lets talk more in the future, aight?” “Aight” I reply. “Then there is only one thing left to do. Cheers my brother, to the future!” “Cheers my brother, to the future!” The glasses cling together. “Never again” I say “will I bleed. This is my vow and oath!” “Never again will I bleed. This is my vow and oath!”
“To our future, whatever it may bring, I’m not alone. I got myself, I got u, my inner child, my brother, my blood, my deamon.” He smiles, I smile. “Cheers! Drink up! We got alot to talk bout.” “Yeah, hey miss, would u bring us two more of those? We got alot to talk bout!” The seats are comfortable, the drinks are good and the music is relaxing. The waitress is sweet and the talk deep. So they sit there, two sides of one soul, YIN and YANG, enjoying the companie.
“Lets talk bar, lets talk bra bra. I’m not dissapointed, u will learn from ur mistakes, u’ll always do. Keep smiling, follow ur way, live and ur dreams will come true!”