The old priestess smiled warmly at them, proudly showing off her white teeth, dimples and wrinkles. She was dressed in the usual white and red, the circular amulet representing the Mother hanging down from a chain tied around her neck. All befitting her profession and standing in the clergy. With gesturing hands she invited them to come in. “Greetings travelers, the Mother shall embrace thee. Come in, sit, don’t be shy. Make yourselves comfortable and have some tea, it’s freshly brewed.” As they seated themselves arround a wooden table, she busied herself with filling four earthenware cups placed in front of them with hot and steaming liquid. Taking one for herself she continued after appreciating the mild flavor and enjoying a sip of tea. “I knew you would come here. I know it since I saw the three of you arriving yesterday in this town. I heard the stories about you. Word and stories travel fast and far in this lands. Especially stories about the three blessed by the spirits, the three without memories. Memories you surely want to reclaim? If you believe this possible then there is only one place that could be your destination. I can guess this much after seeing you here. Since you naturally know little about these lands, our stories, tales or customs, allow me to tell you a story. How it came to the Dreaming Woods you soon must treat in the hopes of finding a way to the heart of the forest. A story about two dreams embracing one another“
“40 years ago in the year 290 after the Mothers ascend, this town, the lands up to the river Moorn in the west, the now vast forest in the north, the lands up to the grasslands in the east, all those lands belonged to the Kingdom of Salin. A kingdom build around the concept of exploiting it’s inhabitants, like so many more. A kingdom ruled by a ambitious and greedy king, like so many more. A king treating his subjects with neither care nor empathy. Preferring to refer to them as his property and tools instead. A fair and gentle king sadly is a rarity these days. Even a decent one is sometimes hard to come by. But enough with me mumblings.”
“Is the tea any good? It’s green tea flavored with cherry blossoms. A precious gift that tastes best if shared.”
Looking at them she continued without waiting for a answer. Acknowledging their eager nods as confirmation that the tea is indeed good.
“You must know, sometimes when children live on borrowed time, their flames still refusing to burn out and unfulfilled wishes keeping them in this world, they fall into a deathlike slumber. They dream and in their dreams the Mother visits them. Blessing those with pure intend, embracing them as her kin. If those children awake, they awake with newfound blessings, spreading them into the world as beacons of light in the dark. For the Mother loves all her children equally and wishes for their blossom.”
“In the year 290 a girl in a village at the west bank of the river Moorn faced certain death. They girl had been sickly and bedridden for most of her life, but she defied death with willpower, chance and luck alone. Clinging to life with her frail and weak body. While she fought and fought, the Mother embraced her sweet child in slumber, granting her her dearest wish. Always in the need of the care of others, she desired nothing more then to return the favor in kind. Her hands could now heal the burdens of this world. Her touch a cure for every sickness known to men of anyone but herself. But not just a cure, an embrace of kindness, the Mothers unconditional love. Now she could return the favor of kindness, cherish her sacrifice for this world, a world she knew so little about.”
“To return a favor in kind, ’twas her wish.”
“Still chained to her bed by her frail body, people came from far and wide, all in the need of the girls gift. She helped as much as she could, touched as many as she could, but never did it seem enough. The hearts of people are full of love and sadly also full of darkness. Favors were returned in kind, but also gifts accepted with hateful eyes. Adored, envied and even feared, so close and yet so distant. The people fought over her touch, fighting over her touch like a possession. Elevated on a pedestal and degraded at the same time. No one could stand beside her, really understand her now. The actions of the people frightened her, she could understand none of it at all. Soon solitude became her closest friend, lonely sadness engulfing her spirit, deeply embracing her. More and more she became just a something, a means to an end, expected to comply like a doll. Degraded by the people and even worse by herself. Insanity spreads far and wide, infecting many minds. But who is to blame, when we all are imperfect beings, easily corrupted by greed and power? And often the architects of our own delusions?” A painful memory adorning her face as she continued. “Her wish was nothing more than to return a favor received in kind but now she became engulfed in the flames of power. Once word reached the king of Salin, Salin the 6th a cruel tragedy of a man, he sent his soldiers for the girl. He brought the girl under his dark wings, using her wish for his own good. All to achieve his own ambitions and further his own influence and power. A sacrifice freely given, now stained by the nasty stench of greed.”
“The king imprisoned her in a wing of his castle, only sending for her once the need arose. A castle standing on top of a hill, surrounded by a town, sharing the name with the kingdom. As a child she knew no better than to comply. Her world had now become a cage, her dream had been shattered. First she struggled, she had regained little power, so her frail body forsake her. Then she wept and wept. And once the weeping stopped there was just silence. She just sat there motionless in the eerie silence. Resigned to her fate, enduring like a broken doll, devoid of all hope. She could not endure it any longer. Her spirit escaping to the forsaken places deep inside one’s own mind. She of all people, a girl whose touch is the embrace of kindness itself. But the year 290 was truly a blessed one for the world because half a year later the Mother granted the wish of a boy in a village east of this town. A boy whose love for life, art and creation itself had kept him in this world. Spreading flowers as far as he could.But there was no escape from the king’s iron grip. Soon shattering his dream and freedom. The King had him do his bidding, in silence he complied. Powerless and broken, as he did not want to hurt a soul.”
“To embrace life itself, ’tis was his wish.”
“The feeble girl was trapped all alone in her suffering till one fateful day. When the guards shoved a boy into the cell opposite to her. A boy whose touch brought the soil to live, giving birth to every plant and flower known to this world and his imagination. A wish as hers, born out of compassion. Now his hollow eyes and sad smile, adorned with love and pain, tell a story of compassion long gone cold. Of a dream once born out of a wish for life and the desire for creation. Now a twisted nightmare of life, resembling a existence in a cage. By chance their lives collided and their curses of solitude were broken. The girl could feel a little warmth inside her chest, a doll coming back to life. The guards left and soon their gazes of sparked curiosity met. The girl smiled at the boy, a kind and warm smile, not just with her lips but with her eyes too. Her smile lit a visible spark up in his eyes filling them with splinters of life. As he returned the smile of kindness the dark veil weakend, a veil whom had encased him for far too long. A ray of hope breaking through the dark clouds. Leaving him with the desire to return the gift of her smile in kind. He softly caressed the ground with great care. Soon the dirt gave birth to a small white moonflower with five petals. A crown adorned with hope, a shining beacon illuminating the dark corridor, now a weakening prison of despair. A reflection of ones emotions, a product of compassion. The girl, enchanted and encouraged by the sudden beauty of the white flower and unexpected change in the colors surrounding her, pulled all her strength together, dragging herself towards the bars of her cell. Leaving her blanket of agony behind. Stretching her hand trough the gaps of the iron bars, trying to reach as far as she could. The boy, now sitting at the bars of his cell, followed her in suit. Also extending his arm as far as he could. With much effort their fingers met in the middle of the now warmly illuminated corridor. Two dreams embracing one another and cherishing a wish.”
“Her touch, a radiant warmth flowing from her fingers, a soft wave of comfort, bringing tears to his eyes. A warm embrace, reminding him of the Mothers caress. The kindling of a embers, compassion lit anew. The clouds of resentment forgotten, existence transformed back into life. Giving birth to the boys final creation and wish. Flowers bursting from the ground, adorning the iron bars in full bloom and where the boy just sat, tears still adorning his eyes, a tree began to grow, embracing the girl whom the boys touch had clad in flowers of soft red and white. Racing swiftly and full of life towards the sky. Splitting the castle in two, so enormous was its growth. Transforming the prison into a garden and changing these lands for times to come. People were flung into the air and then caught on the tops of newly emerging trees. Miraculously not a single soul perished, all were escorted on the treetops towards the outskirts of a newly grown, dense and enormous forest. The people survived, but the town, the castle and the kingdom were no more. Even the king had survived, but not for long. Killed by his own kind, a fitting end by a deadly knife hidden in the night. The lands greedily devoured by his former neighbors. Once the girl emerged back into the light she was greeted by a sea of flowers, clad in brilliant colors. The gardens at the bottom of the giant and always blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest, the heart of the Dreaming Woods.”
“Once there was a castle, up on the radiant hill, surrounded by a town, the heart of the Kingdom of Salin. Now it is the heart of the giant forest north of our town. The hill became its birthplace. The place where the heart of the forest, a beautiful and always blooming cherry tree reaching far into the sky was born. The benevolent Heart of the Dreaming Woods. A sentient tree, because a boy once wished to become one.”
“To make a sacrifice, ’twas his wish.”
“To protect a sacrifice, ’tis his promise.“
“To embrace life itself, ’twas his creation.”
“Flowers blossomed far and wide, trees and plants grew, providing food for those in need. But also shrouding the ways towards the heart in mystery. Folk travel there from far and wide, gathering at the outskirts of the Dreaming Woods, eagerly awaiting guidance. The forest will guide those with honest intends on ever changing paths, leading those with ill on wrong and false. It is indeed a forest of dreams, a realm nobody harms nor trespasses. The now eternal guardian of life itself.”
“Her body recovered from its weakened state. Clad in soft red and white, the flowers had nourished her strength. Soon she could stand and then walk on her own again. Welcoming the people in her garden, a garden encompassing a house grown into the trunk of the giant cherry tree. She embraced them, surrounded by life itself. Flowers dancing in the wind, animals bathing in the sun, healing them from their worldly blights. She strolled around in the vast forest and Woodlands, enjoying its beauty and company. As she grew older she appeared at the outskirts of the woods, embracing those in despair. Always returning for the heart when the need arose. Her clothes adorned with living flowers in soft white and red, always accompanied by a sapling of a cherry tree. The sapling blooming in a bag tied around her waist.”
“Some say she even left the forest. Claiming they saw a traveling woman clad in flowers resembling her at many different places. A few even claimed that they saw her near the outskirts of the Red City, the Mothers birthplace. Embracing those with dire fates and vanishing into nearby woods or the night before anyone could really notice. A woman accompanied by a sapling of cherry tree. A blooming sapling illuminating the dark, living in a bag she had tied around her waist. Traveling together, cherishing the beauty of the world. The beauty of kindness, the beauty of compassion, the beauty of love, the beauty of a dream and the beauty of a sacrifice. Beauty whom had saved their minds.”
“Does she have a name?” the red haired woman suddenly asked, breaking the silence that had followed the last spoken words.
“Yonah. Named after a song her mother fell in love with long ago.”
“And his name?”
“His name is long forgotten, forgotten after he became the guardian of dreams.”
“How do you know all this?”, the boy sitting on a chair just blurted out. Clearly not surprised by his own curiosity. “I have known her since she was a child”, the old priestess replied calmly. “I cared for her in the village when she got sick. I visited her a few times in her house at the bottom of the cherry tree. I listened to her story, to all she had to say. And then I listened to the whispers of the tree. What he wanted me to listen to. What stories he had to tell.”
“The heart shall be your destination. She who lives there is the one you seek. And if your fates align, maybe even your destiny. If so you shall meet her in her gardens beneath a blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest hidden deep inside the Dreaming Woods.”
“She is the one who told me – Beauty will save the mind”, “beauty will save the world.”
“He is the one who whispered – It will save the mind from the curse of existence and meaningless greed.”
“In unison they added – Then the people might try to save the world themselves, to preserve its beauty not only for their own selfish needs.”
“A cherished dream so easily forgotten. Yet in full bloom and carving out its own fate. A hopeful reminder that a sacrifice can indeed bring with it the winds of change. A sudden breeze may turn into a gust. A harbinger of storms to come. I choose to believe that beauty will always prevail and blossom. After all ’tis the Mothers wish. For her kingdom is one of beauty and compassion. The utopia a fool dreamed of long ago. A dream giving birth to the Mothers sacrifice and ascension. A sacrifice to protect the idea of this world from approaching darkness, like a candle in the night. The idea of relinquishing selfish desires that are not our own. To free us from our own delusions so we can live how the world should be and not how it is.”
“Beauty will save the world.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot
Flayed skin whipped into submission. Souls and dreams broken on the wheel of society. Hollow eyes following your movements as you walk deeper into the pitch blackness of the abyss. Who are these creatures? The products of a society without limits and a world screaming out in pain? The product of greed and hopelessness? For many this may seem like the end but it is only the beginning of this rabbit hole with no end in sight.
Have you ever been on the other side? Have you walked at the beaches of tears, stepping over corpses as you admire the sundown in a ocean of blood? Have you ever lived among them, human shapes dressed in skin? Barely recognizable and robbed of everything that made them human. Just figures of flesh trapped in their own torment, stripped of their dreams and identity. Damned to suffer and forage around rocks for scraps of meat. Not realizing that in order to survive they are consuming their own kind.
Have you smelled the stench of corpses and rotten flesh? The stench of desperation and suffering? Have you heard their cries and screams? Sounding so unnatural and inhuman. One would not think, that a human could produce such sounds. But we can. You and I can and we would beg for a end of this torment. But there is no end, only desperation and sorrow. And above all they beauty of the last scream or whisper when a life fades away into nothingness and crumbles into dust.
The untainted, as they call the new ones, are tied to wheels high above the ground in the shadow of unreachable castle, a mere projection in the sky. Is it real or just a illusion? They are forced to shed their skin and with each shedding their compassion dies more and more. And when they are released from their torment, they just crawl up to the giant mountain of corpses. Climbing and climbing till there last strength fades away and then nailing their own bodies to the mass of skin, bone and flesh. Hoping to become one with their last dream. Because what is left of you, after your rotten flesh is pealed away and consumed?
A feast for crows and rats, maggots and flies. In the end they lost everything, their dreams, their hopes, the believe in a future, their humanity and bodies. All greedily eaten by a never ending hunger. To protect the last pieces of their identity, to achieve their last wish, to escape from this torment and hell, they choose to sacrifice the last thing they possess – themselves.
The castle in the sky. To reach it one has to climb the mountain of corpses, a mountain of flesh, bone and skin. A mountain that humanity formed as a collective. Only to realize at the top that the castle is still out of reach. The mountain has to grow more and more, larger and larger. There is no end in sight and the suffering continues so that some souls can pursue their greed and may achieve their ambitions. Would you pursue your ambition, your selfish need and force more suffering upon this world and souls? Or would you forsake your greed and share the suffering as one of many? Would you put the group above the individual or the other way around?
It is this place that reminds me above all of depression. No one wants to be here and still they are here. You are here and I am here too. No one choose this fate and yet they are still nailing there own flesh to a mountain of corpses, a grotesque reminder that one would sacrifice everything to protect what is dearest to them. Even if depression consumes your identity and your flesh, you would rather sacrifice yourself before it consumes the last parts of your dreams, hopes and wishes.
Hopelessness and desperation in the contrast to the never ending hunger. A society consumed by selfishness and greed. Happiness seems like a product one could just buy with enough money. But can you really buy it? Are you satisfied with your share or do you desire more? Be honest to yourself. If you try to fill the void inside yourself with the hunger of consumerism you are consuming your own kind. You are shedding your skin tied to a wheel. For some you are just another tool, another product, another consumer. Another corpse they gladly step onto, just to achieve their selfish ambition to be the one at the top, to feel like a god for a brief moment while looking down towards the suffering they caused, before there insignificant life fades away into nothingness and the world forgets. Only greed remembers and so the next one has to climb even further. Is this the survival of the strongest? Or just another lie you tell yourself to justify your own actions in pursuit of pointless greed?
Is there any saving for this world? Sorrows End as I call it. Can this world even be saved? Is it even worth to save? Or would it just be better and fairer to cleanse it with fire. To burn the rot away so something new can emerge?
Depression is a monster, that likes to play with its food. Sinking its teeth ever so slowly deeper into your flesh, till that moment, where it consumes you whole. It is a slow process, not like hitting a wall. Something feels off at first. You can’t tell what it is, but you are feeling more and more exhausted from your daily life. Things you enjoyed bring you less and less joy, your food looses its taste, your sleep becomes exhausting. You spend hours to fall asleep, while the thoughts in your mind are dancing wildly, only to wake up in the middle of the night, hours before your alarm goes off, still at the mercy of your own thoughts. A slow downwards spiral. Your exhausted, so you spend less time with your friends, family and the things you like and love, you spend more time trying to regain some energy. A illusion because your thoughts sap you of even more energy than the time spend with your loved ones. You are fighting a loosing battle, all by yourself. Slowly and slowly you need more of your diminishing energy to keep your thoughts and sanity in check, you loose interest into everything else. “Just let me lie here and rest for a little bit, it will all get better soon.” But it won’t. This is just a lie, a monster is whispering in your ear, a lie you want to desperately believe.
While everyone around you seems to walk just fine, you are struggling. Depression is this feeling, of loosing your grip on yourself and your life. It consumes the happiness in your life, feeds on your emotions, wishes and dreams, sucks you dry till only a hollow husk remains, that is barely recognizable as a human. Your eyes start to loose there spark, they become dim and without reflection, lifeless and hopeless. Reality crumbles around you, while you desperately try to hold on to something. The ground around you vanishes and you start to fall. But your hands just grasp into nothingness as the cold water encases you. Depression feels like drowning, while your fully awake and aware of it. You are drowning while everyone else seems to be able to swim just fine. And no one seems to notice, that you are not diving, on the contrary something is pulling you down, something that sunk its teeth deep into your own flesh and mind. You want to scream, but the water muffles your noises. You feel helpless and forsaken, you resigned to your fate. It feels like there is nothing you can do. You are ashamed of yourself, of your own weakness. “If you just had been stronger, this would never have happened.” Another lie whispered into your ear. Another lie you want to believe.
You are exhausted and broken, there is no more escape, the bottom of the abyss comes closer and closer. It draws you in, like a moth to the flame. Comforting the last pieces of your identity. Who are you? What do you like? What do you enjoy and love? What do you dream of? What do you wish for? Who are your friends? Who might help you now? The answers of those question are of no interest to you any more. You don’t care any more or you have forgotten. What is left of you? This is the only important question, the question that is nagging on your mind. What is left of you and is that what is left even worth saving and fighting for?
The vast emptiness of the bottom of the abyss. A desert of broken dreams and glass, where the wind is as sharp as razor blades, cutting deeper into your own flesh. Something you don’t feel any more. You are just a hollow shell, your feeling like a creature, that is wearing human skin to hide among the masses. Who are you? You don’t know any more. You only know one thing, you want to escape this torment, this prison, this monster, that consumed your flesh and even worse your whole being and identity, your compassion and dreams.
At the bottom of the pit, forsaken in the pitch black of the abyss, there is only one last thing to do, one last wish to fulfill. You just want to escape this torment, you just want to rest, you just want peace from the never ending war, that is raging in your mind. To achieve this last wish, to achieve salvation, you will sacrifice the last thing you can and have, your own life. And in doing so you lost your chance to find happiness, to overcome this monster and this pain. But if you lost everything piece by piece, your life seems like a small price to pay. What would you do in the end? Put a noose around your neck or open your veins? “Die and be free of pain or live to fight your sorrow?” It is your choice to make. Nothing else matters except this choice. Your whole live brought you to this point. What would you choose?
This is how it goes, if you don’t seek some help or start to talk about your own situation. Because you are ashamed and full of fear, this is the hardest part of it all. And even if you overcome this struggle, this episode, depression will always come back in a moment, when you are struggling with yourself. It is a lifelong struggle. You have to overcome your past, because if you don’t, it will always keep you chained and caged. No matter where you are, there is no escape from the demons of your own mind. The world around you keeps changing, but not your own perspective. You are trapped here, inside your own mind, till you learn how to change the perspective and in doing so, you can arrange yourself with your own past. Piece by piece, slowly the demon will loose more of its teeth and the next episode will be less painful.
It takes courage to stand back up. It takes a immense amount of willpower to decide to fight on. Even if you don’t know who you are any more, you can still find yourself again, collect the shattered pieces of your mind. It takes time, a lot of time. It took 10 years for me to piece the pieces back together. Always remember, that you are precious, that you didn’t choose this fate, it was chosen for you. I know that it feels unfair, suffering for something that is not your fault. But you can overcome this fate and grow as a person. You are not punished for your own sins, this is no punishment at all, even if it feels like this. It is a burden, you have to carry because of the mistakes of others. Take good care of yourself and smile. You are still here and so am I. My past taught me, that even the worst fate, still has good sides to it. The world is not black and white, it is full of colors and emotions, colors and emotions I wanna carry into the world.
As someone who cut himself in the past and luckily found a way to escape the addiction, I wanna help people understand from my experiences, why some people harm themselves, are unable to stop or to control there urges.
Have you ever been really thirsty or hungry? Have you ever been addicted? Addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or something else? Have you ever felt the urge, that you need to consume something now to stop your body and brain from bursting? That there is only one thought controlling your whole self?
We humans have basic needs like food, water, sleep and socializing. Those are the most common, but pain can become one of those as well. To start you have to ask yourself the question, why would someone cut themself? Nobody just wakes up one day and out of nothing, starts to cut themself. It is the door at the end of a long and dark way, a corridor of desperation, a corridor you never wanted to walk along and yet you are still here.
For me it started all with a feeling of emptiness. A feeling like a black void, that swallows your feelings and emotions until you feel nothing. Imagine a porcelain doll and your coming close. This feeling became more and more unbearable. With every passing day and week it felt more and more, like I was being eaten alive from the inside. The emptiness became a emotional pain. I could feel it tearing through my stomach, like I had eaten some glowing embers and now they were burning through myself. Together with thoughts that pierced my body like arrows, thoughts about the pointlessness of life and suicide, I was reaching my breaking point.
When I bought my first razor blades it felt surreal. Later that day, I made one of the worst decisions of my life, but also the decision, that probably saved my life as well. The first cut left a pleasant feeling. The pain of my arm numbed the emptiness and my thoughts. With the blood those left my body. You live from moment to moment and never think about tomorrow. Your only thought is to survive this day. Imagine being stuck in a storm and then after hours of rain and thunder you reach the eye of the storm. A small time frame of peace. It feels like this. A small time of peace from the hell of your own existence. Imagine you are drowning and desperately fighting your way back to the surface. You take a deep breath before the invisible hand pulls you back down and the struggle continues. What would you do for that time of peace? The time where you thoughts don’t pierce yourself and you can breathe again?
Pain is one of the strongest feelings your nerves can transport and also reaches the brain quickly. If you smoke a joint it takes a couple of minutes till it hits you. Pain is there immediately. Pain can be a tool to offer a fast salvation from hopeless situations. But as with many things, you need more and more. You have to cut more and more, deeper and deeper to reach the same satisfaction your first couple of cuts brought you. It becomes a addiction, one of your basic needs. Without it you won’t be able to function. I wasn’t able to function without cutting myself and where I went, the blade followed.
Physical pain numbs the emotional pain, physical pain helps you to cope with suicidal thoughts, for a brief moment of salvation, you butcher yourself. Self harm can save your life for a while, but when you have to cut deeper and more it is another story. It is easy to judge, but I wanna see what you would do, if you were in my shoes 11 years ago.
There are better ways to cope with your thoughts and the feeling of emptiness. But you have to learn about those ways, you have to talk about your problems and thoughts with professionals in therapy. But those ways are always harder then self harm. And to get up and get yourself help is harder then the dance of blades on your own skin.
I am scarred, everyone can see, what I did to myself. They are the proof, of the sacrifice I had to offer in order to stay alive, when I didn’t knew any better. It is my biggest mistake, that probably also saved my life. I am not proud of them, I am still shedding tears. Had I knew better back then, I would have never cut myself.
I am still paying the price for my actions. My brain and my body remembers. When my mind gets cloudy and reality becomes harder to bear for me, the first thought that sneaks into my mind is about self harm. A picture usally follows this thought, the picture of a razor blade and after that many more pictures about blood and open wounds follow. My scars begin to hurt with this familiar feeling when your skin starts to split and wounds begin to open themselves. It feels like a invitation to do it again. Just once, it will all be alright. Shut up, fuck you, get out of my head! It is really fucked up. I usually have to fight really hard to suppress the urge to cut myself. My body and brain remember the fastest and most efficent way to overcome dark or suicidal thoughts. Is it the best way? Hell no, but it is the fastest.
Please don’t judge others with scars. Nobody wants to hurt themself and yet we still cut deep into our own flesh. Not for pleasure, but to stay alive in a abyss of depression and desperation. To take a breath, when hopelessness is making it hard to breath for yourself. Offer a helping hand, a open ear instead and ask if they wanna talk or if you could support them in finding the help one needs and deserves. I know, that this would have helped me back then.
It is easy to judge, but hard to understand. It is easy to cut yourself, but hard to overcome your own past.
“Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.”
It all started with that sentence in the early 2.000s. The last Christmas where everything seemed fine. Where we were all together. The last time as a family. You two and us four. A fire in the fireplace, a train around the Christmas tree and joyful anticipation in our eyes. Me and my siblings taking turns unwrapping our presents and I got the gift I desired. A game for the PlayStation 2, Final Fantasy X.
Later that day I tried it out and got sucked into the beautiful and mysterious world named Spira. “Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.” And what a story it is. A story about personal growth, emotions, love and self sacrifice. About responsibility and friendship. About loss, hate and overcoming ones sorrow. A story about finding a reason to live and move on, when all seems lost. A story accompanied by a musical score, that stuck with me since then. In the opening the reality and city of Tidus gets destroyed and he gets sucked into a different world, far far in the future. And in some kind of way this was a foreshadowing of things to come in my own reality.
After that Christmas my parents both got psychological treatment in the hospital and my dad moved out. I still remember the moment he told us this. I was playing this game and then he called us all to the dining table. My aunt was there too. He told us, that he will move out, that it would only be temporally, that he would be back on day. That we could visit him and that we would get weekends with him and so on. The situation was weird. The whole year after that Christmas was weird. A bubble, that was slowly bursting, a picture that was loosing its color and rotting away, a dream that was falling apart, a dream that maybe never existed. Someday the dream will end.
I was feeling nothing. That year had grinded down my emotions, my emotions I was now hiding behind a wall deep inside myself. I just wanted to escape that situation, it was hard to endure. I just wanted to go back to my game, escape back into that world, that comforted me. To continue the journey with the characters, whom grow on me. I never really finished that game back then, not in a sense, that I could move on. I watched the ending and I didn’t like it back then. It gave me comfort, that I could always return. Fight a few battles, play a few rounds of blitz, watch some cutscenes at the theater and enjoy the music. A form of meditation.
Over the years I visited Spira many times. The story about self sacrifice stuck with me and when my thoughts grow dark and desperate it encouraged me to walk that path and also consider the ultimate sacrifice. 10 years ago I felt like the dumpster of my families Illness, like a vessel for the bad things that had happened. In my eyes it was partly my fault, that all broke apart. I was not an easy child, but today I know, that I was reacting to the behavior of my parents. It was them who failed me and my siblings and it was not me, who failed them. 10 years ago, I thought, if I would end it and sacrifice myself for my family, that it would all come back together. I didn’t live for myself back then and I wouldn’t have died for myself. Today I know, my death would’ve only spread sorrow and tears and would’ve changed nothing in my family. Maybe it would have deepened the trenches, because my parents would had another reason to blame the other party for.
Christmas 2021 I gave myself a present. I bought Final Fantasy X again and played it again. The journey felt familiar and full of emotions, emotions I experienced in this way for the first time while playing this game again. Seeing the characters again felt like meeting old friends. Friends that got you through a tough time. I was amazed by the growth of some characters and how I could relate to the events on screen.
“It would be so easy…to let my fate just carry me away…following this same path my whole life through. But I know…I can’t. What I do, I do…with no regrets.”
“My father… I loved him. So I… I will live with my sorrow, I will live my own life! I will defeat sorrow, in his place. I will stand my ground and be strong. I don’t know when it will be, but someday… I will conquer it. And I will do it without… false hope.“
“Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”
This time I finished the game with a new found appreciation for the story and journey. The ending is bittersweet and sad, but also full of hope. I had to shed some tears. Even if a love is fleeting, there are lessons to be learned, emotions to experience and moments to remember. I will visit this world again, but not to escape, but to enjoy the story and the emotional ride. To hold on for a moment and enjoy the music, like I am doing right now.
“Wind, and my heart swimming in collected words Moved by the wind, in through the world. Clouds, like a voice that we all recognize Carry the holding future.”
“Moon, on the sky as a trembling heart Shown on the glass unsteadily. Stars, shedding tears in an overflowing stream I see the night all around me.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“That soul Inside your body From those conflicted nights As from my dreams.”
“Wind died away, and I feel all the words Led by a gentle illusion. Clouds are the future that cannot be attained Told from impossible distance.”
“The moon filled with night as it flowed through your heart Such faraway reflections. Stars, ripe like tears, like fruit falls from a tree I wipe my dreams off the nighttime.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“To feel your face The touch of memory And now that I awake As from a dream.”
I was so afraid, that it would be over. That it would have been the last time I talked to you, the last time I saw you. That I couldn’t tell you the things I wanted to tell you. That you would be gone and that there would only be memories. Memories of you, of the past, of happy times. Of the things you told me, you taught me, your words, your lessons. I am glad, that you were there for me, that you kept a eye on me. Without you and grandma, I would have given up long ago. You two are the closest people for me, the ones I call family. I could always rely on you two, your advices and words guided me towards myself. When I was struggling, you two showed me the light again. When my parents were fighting and my dad was suffering in silence with depression you were always there for me and provided me a home, a place I where could feel safe. Loosing one of you, even the thought about that fills my eyes with tears.
I made my wish. I wished not for myself, but for you. You got better, you could go home again and we will meet again. We can talk and I can tell you how much you mean to me. When I think about my father, I think about you. Without you there wouldn’t be a me. I look up to you, as I would love to look up to my father. So I sacrifice my wish for you. The best wish I ever made. I love you, always did and I will always remember. Even if your gone one day, your light will guide my path. I love you and I am not ready to loose you, but I will never be ready for that. I will continue to live in your image, to follow your principles, to bring love into this world and to help others. A part of you will always live on in myself and I will always carry the memory of you. I don’t wish for a dream, I wish for time, time that you can have, time that you can enjoy and spend, time you can live.
I know nothing is forever, and that both of you will eventually part. That only memories and words will remain. Your words that carry a message. Memories of things you taught me, of the time we spend together. Of the times you cared for me. Memories of what it means to be a family, what it means to care for others, principles ingrained in myself. Nothing is forever and time the most precious thing we posses. Make the best out of it, enjoy every moment, breathe and accept, that nothing lasts forever.