The old priestess smiled warmly at them, proudly showing off her white teeth, dimples and wrinkles. She was dressed in the usual white and red, the circular amulet representing the Mother hanging down from a chain tied around her neck. All befitting her profession and standing in the clergy. With gesturing hands she invited them to come in. “Greetings travelers, the Mother shall embrace thee. Come in, sit, don’t be shy. Make yourselves comfortable and have some tea, it’s freshly brewed.” As they seated themselves arround a wooden table, she busied herself with filling four earthenware cups placed in front of them with hot and steaming liquid. Taking one for herself she continued after appreciating the mild flavor and enjoying a sip of tea. “I knew you would come here. I know it since I saw the three of you arriving yesterday in this town. I heard the stories about you. Word and stories travel fast and far in this lands. Especially stories about the three blessed by the spirits, the three without memories. Memories you surely want to reclaim? If you believe this possible then there is only one place that could be your destination. I can guess this much after seeing you here. Since you naturally know little about these lands, our stories, tales or customs, allow me to tell you a story. How it came to the Dreaming Woods you soon must treat in the hopes of finding a way to the heart of the forest. A story about two dreams embracing one another“
“40 years ago in the year 290 after the Mothers ascend, this town, the lands up to the river Moorn in the west, the now vast forest in the north, the lands up to the grasslands in the east, all those lands belonged to the Kingdom of Salin. A kingdom build around the concept of exploiting it’s inhabitants, like so many more. A kingdom ruled by a ambitious and greedy king, like so many more. A king treating his subjects with neither care nor empathy. Preferring to refer to them as his property and tools instead. A fair and gentle king sadly is a rarity these days. Even a decent one is sometimes hard to come by. But enough with me mumblings.”
“Is the tea any good? It’s green tea flavored with cherry blossoms. A precious gift that tastes best if shared.”
Looking at them she continued without waiting for a answer. Acknowledging their eager nods as confirmation that the tea is indeed good.
“You must know, sometimes when children live on borrowed time, their flames still refusing to burn out and unfulfilled wishes keeping them in this world, they fall into a deathlike slumber. They dream and in their dreams the Mother visits them. Blessing those with pure intend, embracing them as her kin. If those children awake, they awake with newfound blessings, spreading them into the world as beacons of light in the dark. For the Mother loves all her children equally and wishes for their blossom.”
“In the year 290 a girl in a village at the west bank of the river Moorn faced certain death. They girl had been sickly and bedridden for most of her life, but she defied death with willpower, chance and luck alone. Clinging to life with her frail and weak body. While she fought and fought, the Mother embraced her sweet child in slumber, granting her her dearest wish. Always in the need of the care of others, she desired nothing more then to return the favor in kind. Her hands could now heal the burdens of this world. Her touch a cure for every sickness known to men of anyone but herself. But not just a cure, an embrace of kindness, the Mothers unconditional love. Now she could return the favor of kindness, cherish her sacrifice for this world, a world she knew so little about.”
“To return a favor in kind, ’twas her wish.”
“Still chained to her bed by her frail body, people came from far and wide, all in the need of the girls gift. She helped as much as she could, touched as many as she could, but never did it seem enough. The hearts of people are full of love and sadly also full of darkness. Favors were returned in kind, but also gifts accepted with hateful eyes. Adored, envied and even feared, so close and yet so distant. The people fought over her touch, fighting over her touch like a possession. Elevated on a pedestal and degraded at the same time. No one could stand beside her, really understand her now. The actions of the people frightened her, she could understand none of it at all. Soon solitude became her closest friend, lonely sadness engulfing her spirit, deeply embracing her. More and more she became just a something, a means to an end, expected to comply like a doll. Degraded by the people and even worse by herself. Insanity spreads far and wide, infecting many minds. But who is to blame, when we all are imperfect beings, easily corrupted by greed and power? And often the architects of our own delusions?” A painful memory adorning her face as she continued. “Her wish was nothing more than to return a favor received in kind but now she became engulfed in the flames of power. Once word reached the king of Salin, Salin the 6th a cruel tragedy of a man, he sent his soldiers for the girl. He brought the girl under his dark wings, using her wish for his own good. All to achieve his own ambitions and further his own influence and power. A sacrifice freely given, now stained by the nasty stench of greed.”
“The king imprisoned her in a wing of his castle, only sending for her once the need arose. A castle standing on top of a hill, surrounded by a town, sharing the name with the kingdom. As a child she knew no better than to comply. Her world had now become a cage, her dream had been shattered. First she struggled, she had regained little power, so her frail body forsake her. Then she wept and wept. And once the weeping stopped there was just silence. She just sat there motionless in the eerie silence. Resigned to her fate, enduring like a broken doll, devoid of all hope. She could not endure it any longer. Her spirit escaping to the forsaken places deep inside one’s own mind. She of all people, a girl whose touch is the embrace of kindness itself. But the year 290 was truly a blessed one for the world because half a year later the Mother granted the wish of a boy in a village east of this town. A boy whose love for life, art and creation itself had kept him in this world. Spreading flowers as far as he could.But there was no escape from the king’s iron grip. Soon shattering his dream and freedom. The King had him do his bidding, in silence he complied. Powerless and broken, as he did not want to hurt a soul.”
“To embrace life itself, ’tis was his wish.”
“The feeble girl was trapped all alone in her suffering till one fateful day. When the guards shoved a boy into the cell opposite to her. A boy whose touch brought the soil to live, giving birth to every plant and flower known to this world and his imagination. A wish as hers, born out of compassion. Now his hollow eyes and sad smile, adorned with love and pain, tell a story of compassion long gone cold. Of a dream once born out of a wish for life and the desire for creation. Now a twisted nightmare of life, resembling a existence in a cage. By chance their lives collided and their curses of solitude were broken. The girl could feel a little warmth inside her chest, a doll coming back to life. The guards left and soon their gazes of sparked curiosity met. The girl smiled at the boy, a kind and warm smile, not just with her lips but with her eyes too. Her smile lit a visible spark up in his eyes filling them with splinters of life. As he returned the smile of kindness the dark veil weakend, a veil whom had encased him for far too long. A ray of hope breaking through the dark clouds. Leaving him with the desire to return the gift of her smile in kind. He softly caressed the ground with great care. Soon the dirt gave birth to a small white moonflower with five petals. A crown adorned with hope, a shining beacon illuminating the dark corridor, now a weakening prison of despair. A reflection of ones emotions, a product of compassion. The girl, enchanted and encouraged by the sudden beauty of the white flower and unexpected change in the colors surrounding her, pulled all her strength together, dragging herself towards the bars of her cell. Leaving her blanket of agony behind. Stretching her hand trough the gaps of the iron bars, trying to reach as far as she could. The boy, now sitting at the bars of his cell, followed her in suit. Also extending his arm as far as he could. With much effort their fingers met in the middle of the now warmly illuminated corridor. Two dreams embracing one another and cherishing a wish.”
“Her touch, a radiant warmth flowing from her fingers, a soft wave of comfort, bringing tears to his eyes. A warm embrace, reminding him of the Mothers caress. The kindling of a embers, compassion lit anew. The clouds of resentment forgotten, existence transformed back into life. Giving birth to the boys final creation and wish. Flowers bursting from the ground, adorning the iron bars in full bloom and where the boy just sat, tears still adorning his eyes, a tree began to grow, embracing the girl whom the boys touch had clad in flowers of soft red and white. Racing swiftly and full of life towards the sky. Splitting the castle in two, so enormous was its growth. Transforming the prison into a garden and changing these lands for times to come. People were flung into the air and then caught on the tops of newly emerging trees. Miraculously not a single soul perished, all were escorted on the treetops towards the outskirts of a newly grown, dense and enormous forest. The people survived, but the town, the castle and the kingdom were no more. Even the king had survived, but not for long. Killed by his own kind, a fitting end by a deadly knife hidden in the night. The lands greedily devoured by his former neighbors. Once the girl emerged back into the light she was greeted by a sea of flowers, clad in brilliant colors. The gardens at the bottom of the giant and always blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest, the heart of the Dreaming Woods.”
“Once there was a castle, up on the radiant hill, surrounded by a town, the heart of the Kingdom of Salin. Now it is the heart of the giant forest north of our town. The hill became its birthplace. The place where the heart of the forest, a beautiful and always blooming cherry tree reaching far into the sky was born. The benevolent Heart of the Dreaming Woods. A sentient tree, because a boy once wished to become one.”
“To make a sacrifice, ’twas his wish.”
“To protect a sacrifice, ’tis his promise.“
“To embrace life itself, ’twas his creation.”
“Flowers blossomed far and wide, trees and plants grew, providing food for those in need. But also shrouding the ways towards the heart in mystery. Folk travel there from far and wide, gathering at the outskirts of the Dreaming Woods, eagerly awaiting guidance. The forest will guide those with honest intends on ever changing paths, leading those with ill on wrong and false. It is indeed a forest of dreams, a realm nobody harms nor trespasses. The now eternal guardian of life itself.”
“Her body recovered from its weakened state. Clad in soft red and white, the flowers had nourished her strength. Soon she could stand and then walk on her own again. Welcoming the people in her garden, a garden encompassing a house grown into the trunk of the giant cherry tree. She embraced them, surrounded by life itself. Flowers dancing in the wind, animals bathing in the sun, healing them from their worldly blights. She strolled around in the vast forest and Woodlands, enjoying its beauty and company. As she grew older she appeared at the outskirts of the woods, embracing those in despair. Always returning for the heart when the need arose. Her clothes adorned with living flowers in soft white and red, always accompanied by a sapling of a cherry tree. The sapling blooming in a bag tied around her waist.”
“Some say she even left the forest. Claiming they saw a traveling woman clad in flowers resembling her at many different places. A few even claimed that they saw her near the outskirts of the Red City, the Mothers birthplace. Embracing those with dire fates and vanishing into nearby woods or the night before anyone could really notice. A woman accompanied by a sapling of cherry tree. A blooming sapling illuminating the dark, living in a bag she had tied around her waist. Traveling together, cherishing the beauty of the world. The beauty of kindness, the beauty of compassion, the beauty of love, the beauty of a dream and the beauty of a sacrifice. Beauty whom had saved their minds.”
“Does she have a name?” the red haired woman suddenly asked, breaking the silence that had followed the last spoken words.
“Yonah. Named after a song her mother fell in love with long ago.”
“And his name?”
“His name is long forgotten, forgotten after he became the guardian of dreams.”
“How do you know all this?”, the boy sitting on a chair just blurted out. Clearly not surprised by his own curiosity. “I have known her since she was a child”, the old priestess replied calmly. “I cared for her in the village when she got sick. I visited her a few times in her house at the bottom of the cherry tree. I listened to her story, to all she had to say. And then I listened to the whispers of the tree. What he wanted me to listen to. What stories he had to tell.”
“The heart shall be your destination. She who lives there is the one you seek. And if your fates align, maybe even your destiny. If so you shall meet her in her gardens beneath a blooming cherry tree, the heart of the forest hidden deep inside the Dreaming Woods.”
“She is the one who told me – Beauty will save the mind”, “beauty will save the world.”
“He is the one who whispered – It will save the mind from the curse of existence and meaningless greed.”
“In unison they added – Then the people might try to save the world themselves, to preserve its beauty not only for their own selfish needs.”
“A cherished dream so easily forgotten. Yet in full bloom and carving out its own fate. A hopeful reminder that a sacrifice can indeed bring with it the winds of change. A sudden breeze may turn into a gust. A harbinger of storms to come. I choose to believe that beauty will always prevail and blossom. After all ’tis the Mothers wish. For her kingdom is one of beauty and compassion. The utopia a fool dreamed of long ago. A dream giving birth to the Mothers sacrifice and ascension. A sacrifice to protect the idea of this world from approaching darkness, like a candle in the night. The idea of relinquishing selfish desires that are not our own. To free us from our own delusions so we can live how the world should be and not how it is.”
“Beauty will save the world.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot
Depression is a monster, that likes to play with its food. Sinking its teeth ever so slowly deeper into your flesh, till that moment, where it consumes you whole. It is a slow process, not like hitting a wall. Something feels off at first. You can’t tell what it is, but you are feeling more and more exhausted from your daily life. Things you enjoyed bring you less and less joy, your food looses its taste, your sleep becomes exhausting. You spend hours to fall asleep, while the thoughts in your mind are dancing wildly, only to wake up in the middle of the night, hours before your alarm goes off, still at the mercy of your own thoughts. A slow downwards spiral. Your exhausted, so you spend less time with your friends, family and the things you like and love, you spend more time trying to regain some energy. A illusion because your thoughts sap you of even more energy than the time spend with your loved ones. You are fighting a loosing battle, all by yourself. Slowly and slowly you need more of your diminishing energy to keep your thoughts and sanity in check, you loose interest into everything else. “Just let me lie here and rest for a little bit, it will all get better soon.” But it won’t. This is just a lie, a monster is whispering in your ear, a lie you want to desperately believe.
While everyone around you seems to walk just fine, you are struggling. Depression is this feeling, of loosing your grip on yourself and your life. It consumes the happiness in your life, feeds on your emotions, wishes and dreams, sucks you dry till only a hollow husk remains, that is barely recognizable as a human. Your eyes start to loose there spark, they become dim and without reflection, lifeless and hopeless. Reality crumbles around you, while you desperately try to hold on to something. The ground around you vanishes and you start to fall. But your hands just grasp into nothingness as the cold water encases you. Depression feels like drowning, while your fully awake and aware of it. You are drowning while everyone else seems to be able to swim just fine. And no one seems to notice, that you are not diving, on the contrary something is pulling you down, something that sunk its teeth deep into your own flesh and mind. You want to scream, but the water muffles your noises. You feel helpless and forsaken, you resigned to your fate. It feels like there is nothing you can do. You are ashamed of yourself, of your own weakness. “If you just had been stronger, this would never have happened.” Another lie whispered into your ear. Another lie you want to believe.
You are exhausted and broken, there is no more escape, the bottom of the abyss comes closer and closer. It draws you in, like a moth to the flame. Comforting the last pieces of your identity. Who are you? What do you like? What do you enjoy and love? What do you dream of? What do you wish for? Who are your friends? Who might help you now? The answers of those question are of no interest to you any more. You don’t care any more or you have forgotten. What is left of you? This is the only important question, the question that is nagging on your mind. What is left of you and is that what is left even worth saving and fighting for?
The vast emptiness of the bottom of the abyss. A desert of broken dreams and glass, where the wind is as sharp as razor blades, cutting deeper into your own flesh. Something you don’t feel any more. You are just a hollow shell, your feeling like a creature, that is wearing human skin to hide among the masses. Who are you? You don’t know any more. You only know one thing, you want to escape this torment, this prison, this monster, that consumed your flesh and even worse your whole being and identity, your compassion and dreams.
At the bottom of the pit, forsaken in the pitch black of the abyss, there is only one last thing to do, one last wish to fulfill. You just want to escape this torment, you just want to rest, you just want peace from the never ending war, that is raging in your mind. To achieve this last wish, to achieve salvation, you will sacrifice the last thing you can and have, your own life. And in doing so you lost your chance to find happiness, to overcome this monster and this pain. But if you lost everything piece by piece, your life seems like a small price to pay. What would you do in the end? Put a noose around your neck or open your veins? “Die and be free of pain or live to fight your sorrow?” It is your choice to make. Nothing else matters except this choice. Your whole live brought you to this point. What would you choose?
This is how it goes, if you don’t seek some help or start to talk about your own situation. Because you are ashamed and full of fear, this is the hardest part of it all. And even if you overcome this struggle, this episode, depression will always come back in a moment, when you are struggling with yourself. It is a lifelong struggle. You have to overcome your past, because if you don’t, it will always keep you chained and caged. No matter where you are, there is no escape from the demons of your own mind. The world around you keeps changing, but not your own perspective. You are trapped here, inside your own mind, till you learn how to change the perspective and in doing so, you can arrange yourself with your own past. Piece by piece, slowly the demon will loose more of its teeth and the next episode will be less painful.
It takes courage to stand back up. It takes a immense amount of willpower to decide to fight on. Even if you don’t know who you are any more, you can still find yourself again, collect the shattered pieces of your mind. It takes time, a lot of time. It took 10 years for me to piece the pieces back together. Always remember, that you are precious, that you didn’t choose this fate, it was chosen for you. I know that it feels unfair, suffering for something that is not your fault. But you can overcome this fate and grow as a person. You are not punished for your own sins, this is no punishment at all, even if it feels like this. It is a burden, you have to carry because of the mistakes of others. Take good care of yourself and smile. You are still here and so am I. My past taught me, that even the worst fate, still has good sides to it. The world is not black and white, it is full of colors and emotions, colors and emotions I wanna carry into the world.
For some you are just a thing, a mere tool, an instrument with 88 Keys, but for me your so much more. For me you have a soul of your own, a voice that lives inside your strings and a heart that beats beneath your keys. Your voice is full of emotions and passion. It speaks of love, sadness, happiness, joy and anger. Your soft whisper, when I carefully touch your keys, brings tears to my eyes. Your scream, when I hit your keys, reminds me of myself, when I am struggling at the end of reality.
When I open your cover and remove the cloth to fold it and use it to caress your keys, your soft whisper always invites me to sit down and enjoy your voice. As I child I hated to play the piano. My mom wanted me to play, but I never played for myself, I never played out of joy or happiness, I played, because others wanted me to play. It was chosen for me and not a choice of my own. You are the proof, that I can overcome my past, change the perspective of my own past and find happiness and peace in the things I love. You are the proof, that I have chosen my own path, my own way of life and for that I love you from the bottom of my heart. Our journey has just begun and I am exited to see where it will take us. What emotions we will experience and how your voice full of passion will touch my soul and the soul of others.
You are like me, a hollow vessel, filled with emotions, giving them a voice and inspiring others to go on a journey, learning something new in the process.
My piano is to me what the ship is to the sailor, what a steed is to the Arab. It is the intimate personal depository of everything that stirred wildly in my brain during the most impassioned days of my youth. It was there that all my wishes, all my dreams, all my joys and all my sorrows lay.
As someone who cut himself in the past and luckily found a way to escape the addiction, I wanna help people understand from my experiences, why some people harm themselves, are unable to stop or to control there urges.
Have you ever been really thirsty or hungry? Have you ever been addicted? Addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or something else? Have you ever felt the urge, that you need to consume something now to stop your body and brain from bursting? That there is only one thought controlling your whole self?
We humans have basic needs like food, water, sleep and socializing. Those are the most common, but pain can become one of those as well. To start you have to ask yourself the question, why would someone cut themself? Nobody just wakes up one day and out of nothing, starts to cut themself. It is the door at the end of a long and dark way, a corridor of desperation, a corridor you never wanted to walk along and yet you are still here.
For me it started all with a feeling of emptiness. A feeling like a black void, that swallows your feelings and emotions until you feel nothing. Imagine a porcelain doll and your coming close. This feeling became more and more unbearable. With every passing day and week it felt more and more, like I was being eaten alive from the inside. The emptiness became a emotional pain. I could feel it tearing through my stomach, like I had eaten some glowing embers and now they were burning through myself. Together with thoughts that pierced my body like arrows, thoughts about the pointlessness of life and suicide, I was reaching my breaking point.
When I bought my first razor blades it felt surreal. Later that day, I made one of the worst decisions of my life, but also the decision, that probably saved my life as well. The first cut left a pleasant feeling. The pain of my arm numbed the emptiness and my thoughts. With the blood those left my body. You live from moment to moment and never think about tomorrow. Your only thought is to survive this day. Imagine being stuck in a storm and then after hours of rain and thunder you reach the eye of the storm. A small time frame of peace. It feels like this. A small time of peace from the hell of your own existence. Imagine you are drowning and desperately fighting your way back to the surface. You take a deep breath before the invisible hand pulls you back down and the struggle continues. What would you do for that time of peace? The time where you thoughts don’t pierce yourself and you can breathe again?
Pain is one of the strongest feelings your nerves can transport and also reaches the brain quickly. If you smoke a joint it takes a couple of minutes till it hits you. Pain is there immediately. Pain can be a tool to offer a fast salvation from hopeless situations. But as with many things, you need more and more. You have to cut more and more, deeper and deeper to reach the same satisfaction your first couple of cuts brought you. It becomes a addiction, one of your basic needs. Without it you won’t be able to function. I wasn’t able to function without cutting myself and where I went, the blade followed.
Physical pain numbs the emotional pain, physical pain helps you to cope with suicidal thoughts, for a brief moment of salvation, you butcher yourself. Self harm can save your life for a while, but when you have to cut deeper and more it is another story. It is easy to judge, but I wanna see what you would do, if you were in my shoes 11 years ago.
There are better ways to cope with your thoughts and the feeling of emptiness. But you have to learn about those ways, you have to talk about your problems and thoughts with professionals in therapy. But those ways are always harder then self harm. And to get up and get yourself help is harder then the dance of blades on your own skin.
I am scarred, everyone can see, what I did to myself. They are the proof, of the sacrifice I had to offer in order to stay alive, when I didn’t knew any better. It is my biggest mistake, that probably also saved my life. I am not proud of them, I am still shedding tears. Had I knew better back then, I would have never cut myself.
I am still paying the price for my actions. My brain and my body remembers. When my mind gets cloudy and reality becomes harder to bear for me, the first thought that sneaks into my mind is about self harm. A picture usally follows this thought, the picture of a razor blade and after that many more pictures about blood and open wounds follow. My scars begin to hurt with this familiar feeling when your skin starts to split and wounds begin to open themselves. It feels like a invitation to do it again. Just once, it will all be alright. Shut up, fuck you, get out of my head! It is really fucked up. I usually have to fight really hard to suppress the urge to cut myself. My body and brain remember the fastest and most efficent way to overcome dark or suicidal thoughts. Is it the best way? Hell no, but it is the fastest.
Please don’t judge others with scars. Nobody wants to hurt themself and yet we still cut deep into our own flesh. Not for pleasure, but to stay alive in a abyss of depression and desperation. To take a breath, when hopelessness is making it hard to breath for yourself. Offer a helping hand, a open ear instead and ask if they wanna talk or if you could support them in finding the help one needs and deserves. I know, that this would have helped me back then.
It is easy to judge, but hard to understand. It is easy to cut yourself, but hard to overcome your own past.
What is it, that I wanna tell to the world, to the people, to others, that someone else hasn’t told better than me? What is it, that I wanna share with the world, with all the people out there? What is the message of my heart? What do I wanna achieve in my life, what do I live for?
It was a long road, that brought me here, a long way full of pain, misunderstandings, laughs, joy and tears. A long road, that brought me closer to myself, that showed me, who I really am. A road I would go again and again, because without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am, I wouldn’t be free, I wouldn’t be able to write this words and to share the message of my heart. Without this road, without my scars, I would have never discovered the person I truly am, the person I love and accept as myself. I wanna smile, laugh and cry. I wanna dance, I wanna be happy and share my happiness and emotions with others. This is what I live for, the reason I was born and the reason, why I am still alive. It was never a mental illness, it was a gift all along. That’s the perspective I have chosen and not the one, that was chosen for me.
Emotions connect us all like a invisible bond we all share. Everything we share is born out of them. Without them we are no humans. The world is full of them. Emotions live in art, in music, in our stories and memories, they flow through ourselves, they are part of us all. They let us dance in the rain, laugh, cry and smile.
I wanna say thank you, thank you for being out there, thank you for living, breathing, smiling and laughing. Thank you for being strong and not giving up. Thank you for going on, even if its hard, even if your depressed and stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts, tomorrow the sun will rise anew, a new day will start and a new opportunity to smile will present itself. I know this and this is what I wanna tell, a story I know, because it is my story, a story I lived. Don’t be afraid of your emotions, they are a precious gift, they make you whole. Smile, when you wanna smile, laugh and cry, when you feel like it, there is no shame in it. But promise me this, to never give up, to hold your head high, even when tears are running down your cheeks, to fight against the voices that taunt and hurt you and in return I will promise you, that one day it will get better, that one day you will dance in the sunlight, that you can find yourself one day and live, live as the person you are and not as the person someone else wants you to live as. That one day you can forgive yourself, accept yourself and love yourself. I know this, because this is the road I traveled, a road that I will continue to follow. Where will it lead? I don’t know, but does it really matter? What is important, is that you set off on your own journey to find yourself, to discover your emotions, to find out, who you really are and to change your perspective regarding yourself and your past. Everything else will come naturally, once the journey starts.
Thank you for being here, thank you for your inspiration, thank you for reading and thank you for your smile. Thank you, to everyone who knows me, our memories gave me the strength to start my own journey 11 years ago.
What phrases make you happy to hear from others? My three favorites are “Thank you”, “You did your best”, and “I love you”.
“Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.”
It all started with that sentence in the early 2.000s. The last Christmas where everything seemed fine. Where we were all together. The last time as a family. You two and us four. A fire in the fireplace, a train around the Christmas tree and joyful anticipation in our eyes. Me and my siblings taking turns unwrapping our presents and I got the gift I desired. A game for the PlayStation 2, Final Fantasy X.
Later that day I tried it out and got sucked into the beautiful and mysterious world named Spira. “Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.” And what a story it is. A story about personal growth, emotions, love and self sacrifice. About responsibility and friendship. About loss, hate and overcoming ones sorrow. A story about finding a reason to live and move on, when all seems lost. A story accompanied by a musical score, that stuck with me since then. In the opening the reality and city of Tidus gets destroyed and he gets sucked into a different world, far far in the future. And in some kind of way this was a foreshadowing of things to come in my own reality.
After that Christmas my parents both got psychological treatment in the hospital and my dad moved out. I still remember the moment he told us this. I was playing this game and then he called us all to the dining table. My aunt was there too. He told us, that he will move out, that it would only be temporally, that he would be back on day. That we could visit him and that we would get weekends with him and so on. The situation was weird. The whole year after that Christmas was weird. A bubble, that was slowly bursting, a picture that was loosing its color and rotting away, a dream that was falling apart, a dream that maybe never existed. Someday the dream will end.
I was feeling nothing. That year had grinded down my emotions, my emotions I was now hiding behind a wall deep inside myself. I just wanted to escape that situation, it was hard to endure. I just wanted to go back to my game, escape back into that world, that comforted me. To continue the journey with the characters, whom grow on me. I never really finished that game back then, not in a sense, that I could move on. I watched the ending and I didn’t like it back then. It gave me comfort, that I could always return. Fight a few battles, play a few rounds of blitz, watch some cutscenes at the theater and enjoy the music. A form of meditation.
Over the years I visited Spira many times. The story about self sacrifice stuck with me and when my thoughts grow dark and desperate it encouraged me to walk that path and also consider the ultimate sacrifice. 10 years ago I felt like the dumpster of my families Illness, like a vessel for the bad things that had happened. In my eyes it was partly my fault, that all broke apart. I was not an easy child, but today I know, that I was reacting to the behavior of my parents. It was them who failed me and my siblings and it was not me, who failed them. 10 years ago, I thought, if I would end it and sacrifice myself for my family, that it would all come back together. I didn’t live for myself back then and I wouldn’t have died for myself. Today I know, my death would’ve only spread sorrow and tears and would’ve changed nothing in my family. Maybe it would have deepened the trenches, because my parents would had another reason to blame the other party for.
Christmas 2021 I gave myself a present. I bought Final Fantasy X again and played it again. The journey felt familiar and full of emotions, emotions I experienced in this way for the first time while playing this game again. Seeing the characters again felt like meeting old friends. Friends that got you through a tough time. I was amazed by the growth of some characters and how I could relate to the events on screen.
“It would be so easy…to let my fate just carry me away…following this same path my whole life through. But I know…I can’t. What I do, I do…with no regrets.”
“My father… I loved him. So I… I will live with my sorrow, I will live my own life! I will defeat sorrow, in his place. I will stand my ground and be strong. I don’t know when it will be, but someday… I will conquer it. And I will do it without… false hope.“
“Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”
This time I finished the game with a new found appreciation for the story and journey. The ending is bittersweet and sad, but also full of hope. I had to shed some tears. Even if a love is fleeting, there are lessons to be learned, emotions to experience and moments to remember. I will visit this world again, but not to escape, but to enjoy the story and the emotional ride. To hold on for a moment and enjoy the music, like I am doing right now.
“Wind, and my heart swimming in collected words Moved by the wind, in through the world. Clouds, like a voice that we all recognize Carry the holding future.”
“Moon, on the sky as a trembling heart Shown on the glass unsteadily. Stars, shedding tears in an overflowing stream I see the night all around me.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“That soul Inside your body From those conflicted nights As from my dreams.”
“Wind died away, and I feel all the words Led by a gentle illusion. Clouds are the future that cannot be attained Told from impossible distance.”
“The moon filled with night as it flowed through your heart Such faraway reflections. Stars, ripe like tears, like fruit falls from a tree I wipe my dreams off the nighttime.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“To feel your face The touch of memory And now that I awake As from a dream.”
We all see the world with different eyes, perceive the world in a different way, unique to everyone of us. Reality in itself is just of product of our senses, the planes of perception. Depending on what we are doing and feeling, we focus more on some and less on other senses. Our own view is always changing and shifting, being challenged by our own struggle, ideals and dreams.
But what is real? The world out there, the buildings, streets, trees, humans and animals? On some days this all appears like a movie to me. I feel like I am trapped just to watch time pass by in those moments. Are dreams real? I believe so, they are ones deepest wish, a desire that wants to be fulfilled. Emotions are real, maybe the only real thing there is, in a world full of lies and masks.
Have you ever watched a fictional movie that made you cry or evoked other emotions in you? Listened to music that made you happy or sad? How can something unreal evoke emotions in ourselves? Is it triggering something from the past or just our sympathy? How can something unreal trigger a real response in our perceived reality? That work of fiction, this piece of art, is a reality in itself, that we can enjoy with some of our senses and planes of perception. A reality that can teach us something, that can evoke real emotions and in a ultimate twist break the fourth wall, hold a mirror up to our faces to inspire us to live and think, to show us, what we are longing for, what we buried deep in ourselves and what we strive for. Art is the blossom of emotions, the birth of a new reality and whatever is created out of emotions has the power to evoke emotions in ourselves.
Doesn’t it always start with that question? A question I have ask myself a thousand times and I found many answers. I am a mere fool, a human and a dreamer.
What does it mean to dream?
To envision something bigger than yourself. To wish for something, to hope for something. To long for something. To find comfort in your own thoughts. To believe in something, even if it will never happen. A dream is the birth of an idea.
What do you dream of?
I dream of love and feeling whole. That someday somebody might fill some holes in my inner self, that I can’t fill myself yet. That somebody can satisfy needs, that I can’t satisfy myself yet. But is this even possible? Do I need to fill them myself? And can I even fill them myself? I dream of tomorrow, yesterday and today. Of things that happened and will happen. I dream of happiness and a fair and gentle world. I dream of myself. I dream of Utopia.
Why do you dream?
Dreaming gives me comfort. A kind of purpose and identity. Dreaming fuels myself, pushes me forward. The thought about something can sometimes be more satisfying than the thing in itself. My dreams are my most precious possession and without them I wouldn’t be the person I am.
What is a purpose?
Life in itself is a empty shell. Without a purpose, without emotions, memories and dreams your just hollow, a hollow existence. A purpose is something that gives yourself and your life a meaning. Something you have to find in your life. Something you have to find for yourself and in yourself. Something you love to share with others. Something that makes you happy and gives you happiness, like a passion you love.
Do you seek a purpose in others?
Sometimes I do. But you have to find and seek one in yourself. Others can leave you or are occupied with there own lives. And what do you do then without a purpose and the others? Falling in the abyss and tearing yourself apart as I did? The only person that can truly understand you and will always be there for you is yourself. But without others and company, I feel like something is missing.
What makes you happy?
Creating things. Writing, drawing and painting. Thinking about stuff. Finding my own answers for the questions in my mind. Dreaming of things bigger than myself. Talking with others and sharing my thoughts. Being close to someone. Living the moment and feeling loved.
Do you feel unloved?
No.
What does love mean?
Being close to someone. Being close to yourself. Caring for others and yourself. Love means acceptance and honesty. To accept somebody as the person they are, with all their shortcomings and scars. But also to accept yourself with your own shortcomings and scars. Love is like a precious flower, that has to grow. You have to take good care of it so it can blossom. Love in its true nature is selfless and pure. Love is a emotion and but also a choice. It’s your choice after all. And what is a life without love worth?
What does it mean to love?
To love means to care without expecting something in return. To love means to love unconditionally and another person as a whole. Not just parts, masks, facets or things. To love means to make compromises and being able to make sacrifices. But not the sacrifice of yourself. You exist as a person who loves.
Do you put others needs before your own?
Sometimes I do. It depends on the situation and the person.
Do you love yourself?
You can love others right? And you can hate yourself. So why can’t you love yourself and accept yourself as the person you are? Others can love you for what you are. So why shouldn’t you choose to do so?
Why do people hate themself?
I think you can hate parts of yourself, bad decisions you made. You can hate yourself if you hurt others you don’t wanna hurt. That’s why I hated myself. Like love, hate is a choice too. You choose to hate something. But why did I made that choice? Hate is a road to even more pain and suffering. A vicious cycle, a downward spiral into the abyss. Hate leads you to places you can’t imagine. This is something I had to learn and see with my own eyes. The one who knows only hate can just be pitied. Is hate the opposite of love? I don’t think so, but love and hate are close.
Did you hurt others?
Yes I did. And I am not proud of this.
Did you hurt yourself?
Yes I did.
Did you made bad decisions?
Yes I did. We all do. It’s a part of being alive and human. Nobody knows everything. I ran away a lot in the past. But we are the product of our choices and after all our choices made us the way we are. We have to face the consequences of them every day. My scars remind me everyday of my past mistakes.
Why did you ran away?
I was full of fear and not ready to live. I tried to escape from this reality and myself. A reality I was afraid of. A reality that felt alien to me. A reality that hurt me a lot and felt like a world of pain.
Are you afraid?
Yes I am. Are you not?
What are you afraid of?
I am Afraid of myself. Afraid of others. Afraid of pain and being hurt by others. Afraid of hurting myself again. Afraid of loosing my control over things. I’m afraid of being alone.
Do you feel alone?
Yes and No. Sometime. The truth is, nobody understands me as I do. I can only talk about my needs. I feel alone in myself, but I know I am not alone. There are a lot of people out there who care. And I care about them too.
Are emotions necessary?
Emotions can be painful and then so beautiful. They are a gift and necessary. They define us as humans and we act according to them. Can you imagine your life without emotions? Living like a doll?
Do you know, that you will hurt others?
Yes I know.
And that others will hurt you too?
Yes I know.
Are you still running away?
No, not anymore. I try to face my fears and myself.
What does fear mean?
Fear can protect you from harm, but also imprison you. It can paralyze you and urge you to run away. We often fear things from our past and forget, that we and our situation has changed. Fear is something to conquer and a double edged sword. One edge is pointing towards yourself and other one towards others. But fear is necessary as all emotions are.
Do you think about your past?
I do, i think about pleasant memories and choices I made. Pleasant memories are like a pearl necklace. But there are also sad moments.
Are you sad?
Sometimes I am. I’m mostly sad, when I think about the past and confident, when I think about the future.
What is sadness?
Sadness is a feeling, that can strike you out of the blue. It feels like you are drowning and sinking deeper into the comfort of the abyss. Sadness can give you comfort, when you lost something or someone. Sadness is necessary to move one. Without sadness we wouldn’t feel alive and know to appreciate others and the world around us. Sadness shows us, how much we care for others and ourselves. It helps to cry out your sorrow. There is some truth in the saying, that tears can cleanse the soul. There is always a reason, when your sad. But you can also drown in your sorrow, it can consume you until the only thing you can see is a veil of tears. That veil covers your eyes and you perceive the world in a different way, a sad illusion. Sadness can keep you in the past. There is always more then just sadness, sorrow, tears and pain. Your life is worth living!
Do you regret your past choices?
Some of them I regret, some I regretted, but now I know, they were the right choices. At least I know, why I made those choices. But they are in the past now and I can only accept the consequences today and tomorrow. My past made me the way I am today. And who are you without the choices you made?
What is the right choice?
It depends on the situation and the options you have and can see. You have to think about the consequences of your decision and the motives that are pushing you forward. Sometimes you just have to follow your instinct. I wish I knew many options I now know earlier. Sometimes only time can tell whether a choice was the right one or not.
Why do you wish for this?
It could have prevented me from making mistakes I regret now. Maybe I had to make those mistakes to learn from them. I still wish I knew earlier. But would I then be the same person today?
What is a wish?
Something you believe in and something you want to happen. Something you dream of. If you can imagine it, why shouldn’t it happen or be possible?