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Who are you?

Doesn’t it always start with that question? A question I have ask myself a thousand times and I found many answers. I am a mere fool, a human and a dreamer.

What does it mean to dream?

To envision something bigger than yourself. To wish for something, to hope for something. To long for something. To find comfort in your own thoughts. To believe in something, even if it will never happen. A dream is the birth of an idea.

What do you dream of?

I dream of love and feeling whole. That someday somebody might fill some holes in my inner self, that I can’t fill myself yet. That somebody can satisfy needs, that I can’t satisfy myself yet. But is this even possible? Do I need to fill them myself? And can I even fill them myself? I dream of tomorrow, yesterday and today. Of things that happened and will happen. I dream of happiness and a fair and gentle world. I dream of myself. I dream of Utopia.

Why do you dream?

Dreaming gives me comfort. A kind of purpose and identity. Dreaming fuels myself, pushes me forward. The thought about something can sometimes be more satisfying than the thing in itself. My dreams are my most precious possession and without them I wouldn’t be the person I am.

What is a purpose?

Life in itself is a empty shell. Without a purpose, without emotions, memories and dreams your just hollow, a hollow existence. A purpose is something that gives yourself and your life a meaning. Something you have to find in your life. Something you have to find for yourself and in yourself. Something you love to share with others. Something that makes you happy and gives you happiness, like a passion you love.

Do you seek a purpose in others?

Sometimes I do. But you have to find and seek one in yourself. Others can leave you or are occupied with there own lives. And what do you do then without a purpose and the others? Falling in the abyss and tearing yourself apart as I did? The only person that can truly understand you and will always be there for you is yourself. But without others and company, I feel like something is missing.

What makes you happy?

Creating things. Writing, drawing and painting. Thinking about stuff. Finding my own answers for the questions in my mind. Dreaming of things bigger than myself. Talking with others and sharing my thoughts. Being close to someone. Living the moment and feeling loved.

Do you feel unloved?

No.

What does love mean?

Being close to someone. Being close to yourself. Caring for others and yourself. Love means acceptance and honesty. To accept somebody as the person they are, with all their shortcomings and scars. But also to accept yourself with your own shortcomings and scars. Love is like a precious flower, that has to grow. You have to take good care of it so it can blossom. Love in its true nature is selfless and pure. Love is a emotion and but also a choice. It’s your choice after all. And what is a life without love worth?

What does it mean to love?

To love means to care without expecting something in return. To love means to love unconditionally and another person as a whole. Not just parts, masks, facets or things. To love means to make compromises and being able to make sacrifices. But not the sacrifice of yourself. You exist as a person who loves.

Do you put others needs before your own?

Sometimes I do. It depends on the situation and the person.

Do you love yourself?

You can love others right? And you can hate yourself. So why can’t you love yourself and accept yourself as the person you are? Others can love you for what you are. So why shouldn’t you choose to do so?

Why do people hate themself?

I think you can hate parts of yourself, bad decisions you made. You can hate yourself if you hurt others you don’t wanna hurt. That’s why I hated myself. Like love, hate is a choice too. You choose to hate something. But why did I made that choice? Hate is a road to even more pain and suffering. A vicious cycle, a downward spiral into the abyss. Hate leads you to places you can’t imagine. This is something I had to learn and see with my own eyes. The one who knows only hate can just be pitied. Is hate the opposite of love? I don’t think so, but love and hate are close.

Did you hurt others?

Yes I did. And I am not proud of this.

Did you hurt yourself?

Yes I did.

Did you made bad decisions?

Yes I did. We all do. It’s a part of being alive and human. Nobody knows everything. I ran away a lot in the past. But we are the product of our choices and after all our choices made us the way we are. We have to face the consequences of them every day. My scars remind me everyday of my past mistakes.

Why did you ran away?

I was full of fear and not ready to live. I tried to escape from this reality and myself. A reality I was afraid of. A reality that felt alien to me. A reality that hurt me a lot and felt like a world of pain.

Are you afraid?

Yes I am. Are you not?

What are you afraid of?

I am Afraid of myself. Afraid of others. Afraid of pain and being hurt by others. Afraid of hurting myself again. Afraid of loosing my control over things. I’m afraid of being alone.

Do you feel alone?

Yes and No. Sometime. The truth is, nobody understands me as I do. I can only talk about my needs. I feel alone in myself, but I know I am not alone. There are a lot of people out there who care. And I care about them too.

Are emotions necessary?

Emotions can be painful and then so beautiful. They are a gift and necessary. They define us as humans and we act according to them. Can you imagine your life without emotions? Living like a doll?

Do you know, that you will hurt others?

Yes I know.

And that others will hurt you too?

Yes I know.

Are you still running away?

No, not anymore. I try to face my fears and myself.

What does fear mean?

Fear can protect you from harm, but also imprison you. It can paralyze you and urge you to run away. We often fear things from our past and forget, that we and our situation has changed. Fear is something to conquer and a double edged sword. One edge is pointing towards yourself and other one towards others. But fear is necessary as all emotions are.

Do you think about your past?

I do, i think about pleasant memories and choices I made. Pleasant memories are like a pearl necklace. But there are also sad moments.

Are you sad?

Sometimes I am. I’m mostly sad, when I think about the past and confident, when I think about the future.

What is sadness?

Sadness is a feeling, that can strike you out of the blue. It feels like you are drowning and sinking deeper into the comfort of the abyss. Sadness can give you comfort, when you lost something or someone. Sadness is necessary to move one. Without sadness we wouldn’t feel alive and know to appreciate others and the world around us. Sadness shows us, how much we care for others and ourselves. It helps to cry out your sorrow. There is some truth in the saying, that tears can cleanse the soul. There is always a reason, when your sad. But you can also drown in your sorrow, it can consume you until the only thing you can see is a veil of tears. That veil covers your eyes and you perceive the world in a different way, a sad illusion. Sadness can keep you in the past. There is always more then just sadness, sorrow, tears and pain. Your life is worth living!

Do you regret your past choices?

Some of them I regret, some I regretted, but now I know, they were the right choices. At least I know, why I made those choices. But they are in the past now and I can only accept the consequences today and tomorrow. My past made me the way I am today. And who are you without the choices you made?

What is the right choice?

It depends on the situation and the options you have and can see. You have to think about the consequences of your decision and the motives that are pushing you forward. Sometimes you just have to follow your instinct. I wish I knew many options I now know earlier. Sometimes only time can tell whether a choice was the right one or not.

Why do you wish for this?

It could have prevented me from making mistakes I regret now. Maybe I had to make those mistakes to learn from them. I still wish I knew earlier. But would I then be the same person today?

What is a wish?

Something you believe in and something you want to happen. Something you dream of. If you can imagine it, why shouldn’t it happen or be possible?

What do you wish for?

A dream…

What do you wish for?