“Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.”
It all started with that sentence in the early 2.000s. The last Christmas where everything seemed fine. Where we were all together. The last time as a family. You two and us four. A fire in the fireplace, a train around the Christmas tree and joyful anticipation in our eyes. Me and my siblings taking turns unwrapping our presents and I got the gift I desired. A game for the PlayStation 2, Final Fantasy X.
Later that day I tried it out and got sucked into the beautiful and mysterious world named Spira. “Listen to my story, this may be our last chance.” And what a story it is. A story about personal growth, emotions, love and self sacrifice. About responsibility and friendship. About loss, hate and overcoming ones sorrow. A story about finding a reason to live and move on, when all seems lost. A story accompanied by a musical score, that stuck with me since then. In the opening the reality and city of Tidus gets destroyed and he gets sucked into a different world, far far in the future. And in some kind of way this was a foreshadowing of things to come in my own reality.
After that Christmas my parents both got psychological treatment in the hospital and my dad moved out. I still remember the moment he told us this. I was playing this game and then he called us all to the dining table. My aunt was there too. He told us, that he will move out, that it would only be temporally, that he would be back on day. That we could visit him and that we would get weekends with him and so on. The situation was weird. The whole year after that Christmas was weird. A bubble, that was slowly bursting, a picture that was loosing its color and rotting away, a dream that was falling apart, a dream that maybe never existed. Someday the dream will end.
I was feeling nothing. That year had grinded down my emotions, my emotions I was now hiding behind a wall deep inside myself. I just wanted to escape that situation, it was hard to endure. I just wanted to go back to my game, escape back into that world, that comforted me. To continue the journey with the characters, whom grow on me. I never really finished that game back then, not in a sense, that I could move on. I watched the ending and I didn’t like it back then. It gave me comfort, that I could always return. Fight a few battles, play a few rounds of blitz, watch some cutscenes at the theater and enjoy the music. A form of meditation.
Over the years I visited Spira many times. The story about self sacrifice stuck with me and when my thoughts grow dark and desperate it encouraged me to walk that path and also consider the ultimate sacrifice. 10 years ago I felt like the dumpster of my families Illness, like a vessel for the bad things that had happened. In my eyes it was partly my fault, that all broke apart. I was not an easy child, but today I know, that I was reacting to the behavior of my parents. It was them who failed me and my siblings and it was not me, who failed them. 10 years ago, I thought, if I would end it and sacrifice myself for my family, that it would all come back together. I didn’t live for myself back then and I wouldn’t have died for myself. Today I know, my death would’ve only spread sorrow and tears and would’ve changed nothing in my family. Maybe it would have deepened the trenches, because my parents would had another reason to blame the other party for.
Christmas 2021 I gave myself a present. I bought Final Fantasy X again and played it again. The journey felt familiar and full of emotions, emotions I experienced in this way for the first time while playing this game again. Seeing the characters again felt like meeting old friends. Friends that got you through a tough time. I was amazed by the growth of some characters and how I could relate to the events on screen.
“It would be so easy…to let my fate just carry me away…following this same path my whole life through. But I know…I can’t. What I do, I do…with no regrets.”
“My father… I loved him. So I… I will live with my sorrow, I will live my own life! I will defeat sorrow, in his place. I will stand my ground and be strong. I don’t know when it will be, but someday… I will conquer it. And I will do it without… false hope.“
“Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”
This time I finished the game with a new found appreciation for the story and journey. The ending is bittersweet and sad, but also full of hope. I had to shed some tears. Even if a love is fleeting, there are lessons to be learned, emotions to experience and moments to remember. I will visit this world again, but not to escape, but to enjoy the story and the emotional ride. To hold on for a moment and enjoy the music, like I am doing right now.
“Wind, and my heart swimming in collected words Moved by the wind, in through the world. Clouds, like a voice that we all recognize Carry the holding future.”
“Moon, on the sky as a trembling heart Shown on the glass unsteadily. Stars, shedding tears in an overflowing stream I see the night all around me.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“That soul Inside your body From those conflicted nights As from my dreams.”
“Wind died away, and I feel all the words Led by a gentle illusion. Clouds are the future that cannot be attained Told from impossible distance.”
“The moon filled with night as it flowed through your heart Such faraway reflections. Stars, ripe like tears, like fruit falls from a tree I wipe my dreams off the nighttime.”
“Suteki da ne Being together, all alone walking hand in hand. And I want to go to your city To your home, into your arms.”
“To feel your face The touch of memory And now that I awake As from a dream.”
Who will remember us, when we are gone? Who will remember how we lived, loved and cried? How we danced and fell? Stood up and fought? Who will remember our thoughts, wishes, dreams and ideas? How we debated and talked? Who will remember us, while we are still alive?
Should we remember ourselves as our best and worst? So that we always know what we wanna be, what to strive for and what not? Do we truly only have the moment or are we trapped inside it? Is there a answer for every question? Should there a answer for every question or can silence suffice?
I was so afraid, that it would be over. That it would have been the last time I talked to you, the last time I saw you. That I couldn’t tell you the things I wanted to tell you. That you would be gone and that there would only be memories. Memories of you, of the past, of happy times. Of the things you told me, you taught me, your words, your lessons. I am glad, that you were there for me, that you kept a eye on me. Without you and grandma, I would have given up long ago. You two are the closest people for me, the ones I call family. I could always rely on you two, your advices and words guided me towards myself. When I was struggling, you two showed me the light again. When my parents were fighting and my dad was suffering in silence with depression you were always there for me and provided me a home, a place I where could feel safe. Loosing one of you, even the thought about that fills my eyes with tears.
I made my wish. I wished not for myself, but for you. You got better, you could go home again and we will meet again. We can talk and I can tell you how much you mean to me. When I think about my father, I think about you. Without you there wouldn’t be a me. I look up to you, as I would love to look up to my father. So I sacrifice my wish for you. The best wish I ever made. I love you, always did and I will always remember. Even if your gone one day, your light will guide my path. I love you and I am not ready to loose you, but I will never be ready for that. I will continue to live in your image, to follow your principles, to bring love into this world and to help others. A part of you will always live on in myself and I will always carry the memory of you. I don’t wish for a dream, I wish for time, time that you can have, time that you can enjoy and spend, time you can live.
I know nothing is forever, and that both of you will eventually part. That only memories and words will remain. Your words that carry a message. Memories of things you taught me, of the time we spend together. Of the times you cared for me. Memories of what it means to be a family, what it means to care for others, principles ingrained in myself. Nothing is forever and time the most precious thing we posses. Make the best out of it, enjoy every moment, breathe and accept, that nothing lasts forever.
I don’t believe in god, in spirits, destiny or a bigger picture. I believe in humanity and in the individual. In the individual choices, our choices, choices we all make every day. I believe, if presented with a hard decision, that we all can choose to do the right thing, depending on the options at hand. But what is the right option? To preserve one self? To care for others? To be selfless?
I don’t believe there are bad choices, but favorable and unfavorable consequences, good and bad intentions. Being selfish is sometimes necessary, but being greedy is a wrong intention.
I believe, that if we have to choose between life and death, we all will choose life. We will cling to it, cling to the most precious thing we posses. We will always intuitive choose the best outcome for ourselves or others, depending on the options we have and the options we see. Either way we have to face the consequences of our decisions. Running away from them, yourself and your true nature, only prolongs the pain. We have to accept them. We can regret them, but the past is the past. We can learn from our past choices and act differently today.
There are decisions I deeply regret. But I made those decisions 9 years ago and now I have to live with my scars. I know why I did this, I had no other options at hand. I didn’t know any other ways to regulate my emotions, my emotions that tore me apart back then. But this is all in the past and today is another day. Today I know other options and I wish that I knew them 9 years ago. Sometimes I regret those decisions, but I also know, that if I didn’t hurt myself back then, I wouldn’t be alive today. In the end I choose life over death, preserved my own life and still face the consequences of my actions every day. To live means to remember, to accept, to learn and also to forgive.
I wanna write down my perspective of this story so I can remember it and the lessons it taught me. I wanna put this story in my diary and with this story another pearl on my necklace of fond memories. It is a story worth remembering and not just a dream. It is something real. I want this world to remember and, that we lived, breathed and dreamed. I want you to read this story. A story that showed me clearly, what kind of person I am, what connection I have to my emotions and that I am on the right path in my life. That I am proud to be this person and that I can finally look into the mirror and feel whole.
Dear Anna,
I still remember the day we met. It was 2 years ago, I think at the end of may 2019. I remember I wanted to leave at first, but then I stayed. I liked you, you had a open mind, dreams in your head and the wish to live. When you had to go, I drew you a ship. Your own ship, where you are your own captain. A vessel, that could bring you closer to your dreams, to the places you wanted to see, to the feelings you wanted to feel, closer to your emotions and yourself.
I thought, I would never see you again, never hear a word from you again. You would go your way and I would follow my path. To my surprise, you messaged me half a year ago and our paths met again. You wanted to hear, how I was doing and we started writing. You came back into my life, when I was struggling with my way. You showed me the lighthouse, I wasn’t seeing in the fog and my ship could follow its course again. We started to write more and more, our texts became essays about the world, our dreams, our fears and emotions.
1.000 km apart we started to talk for hours, sharing our thoughts and emotions. Debating about life and dreams. Talking about the future and our visions for it, a fair and gentle world. You inspired my thinking and I think I did the same to you. You shared your dream to move one day to hamburg. A while later you told me, you would come to hamburg, to visit some friends and wanted to see me too. I was amazed and was looking forward to meeting you. I took a liking to you though or talks and thoughts, I started to feel more than liking you, but I told my head to not go overboard. You told me later, once we met, that you started to feel the same.
And then you were here. I was nervous, excited to see you and still not sure, if you would feel the same. I was pent up and couldn’t really sleep the night before. We made dinner, watched a movie and talked. I remember this magical moment, when our eyes made contact and your eyes had the same longing and wish inside them as mine. We kissed and it felt so unreal. Like a moment out of a dream, but it was real. I couldn’t believe it first, but I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t dreaming, I was awake, alive and breathing.
We saw each other again on the day after and it still felt so good. I saw the happiness in your eyes and my mind was at peace. I was smiling, you were smiling and we shared some wonderful moments together. It still felt like a dream, but a real dream. A dream one could dream with open eyes, a dream one could dream, when awake. You had to leave the next day and we wouldn’t see each other again for a couple of weeks. I gave you a owl, the symbol of Athena, goddess of wisdom and war and told you, I want us to be honest to each other, because we found something precious and you agreed. We were happy. I was amazed, that I am able to feel like this, that my connection to my own emotions had grown so strong and that I was ready for the future.
It felt beautiful, so beautiful, because it was unexpected, a feeling I never experienced in this way before. Different, than any happiness I tasted before. I think that I got older and more settled with myself played also a big role. We wanted to take good care of this flower, wanted to see it grow and blossom. I thought we had a good soil, sharing the same dream of living, the same wish to breathe and be free, the longing for something more, something meaningful. Sharing art as our passion and to be honest, I never met a person like you in my life before. A person, that accepted me with all my flaws and scars and I accepted you as the person you are. I could be myself, 100 percent myself. A fool with a bag full of dreams. A dreamer, dreaming in reality. I told you, that in my eyes, love means to sacrifice, not sacrifice of ones self, but to make compromises. Or with the words of Andrzej Sapkowki: “And what kind of love would it be if the one who loves were not capable of a little sacrifice?” There are no perfect relationships, there are just compatible persons and then a lot of work. You agreed.
And then we met again, I was excited but also nervous. You picked me up at the train station and once we arrived at your home something felt different. You couldn’t eat much and had a headache, clouds in your head, those were signs I picked up. I couldn’t put my finger on it, you had worked 12 hours that day and were pretty exhausted. I thought it was just that. I wanted to give you your space, time to regenerate and we went to bed early. I woke up at 6 am the next day and when I felt back into my slumber I had a dream I still remember. In the open desert of this dream I met two women. Both were wearing black and one had her eyes covered by a veil, the other one had her moth covered with an bandana. They tried me to warn me of something, I couldn’t understand them, couldn’t hear there words. And then I woke up again. Now I understand clearly that my subconscious picked up all those little signs. To see things other people cant see, to pick up those little signs and to see the potential in others, is the gift, the world bestowed on me.
Something had changed, maybe I didn’t wanted to believe it a first, but now I could clearly see it. You started to cry and we talked. I held your hand and just listened to your words. You couldn’t endure my touch anymore, you were so sad and I felt helpless. I did what I could, said you should met with your friends, take some time for yourself to get your feet on the ground again. You told me, that me being here felt right in your head, but your guts told you something else. You told me, this is too much for you, you need your friends and your family and I can clearly understand that. You said there would be no space for me, because they are an essential structure for you and you need and want to see them everyday. That you can’t give me the love I need and deserve. Maybe it was the distance too, after all 1.000 km are a lot. You said, you have problems being close to someone, letting someone new into your live. In the past, you thought it were the men, but now you clearly realized, it is you, because you said it can’t be me. And to be honest, I now know, that I am a good person, a person that cares and listens. A person that loves unconditionally, a person that loves others as a whole and a person that is ready to fight together. You said you think your unable to form a relationship and I disagreed. As humans we all strive for meaning, love and acknowledgment through being close to someone. Me being here, in your home, so close and real, was the trigger for this all and brought the hammer down. You said maybe this dream was not for you or you were not ready for it. Maybe it was all too fast, but I believe you were not ready for it yet. I believe in dreams, but I also understand the difference between a dream and a castle in the sky. But dreams are one of our most precious possession, something worth fighting for, something worth living for. I could sense you being afraid, a fear I once knew to well. The thing about fear is, that it can imprison and cage you, if you don’t overcome it. If you fight, you can win or loose, but if you run away, you already lost. In my eyes you ran away and this is a sad truth you have to face.
You told me, it would be better if I would leave and I was in shock. It took me a couple of minutes to understand your words. It felt like everything on my mind was tossed around, I couldn’t see clearly anymore and I just felt sadness. It hurt. It hurt in this way, like one can only get hurt, when one lets another person close, close to the heart. It felt like the dream was over, the bubble popped and I was back in reality. But there was still solid ground beneath my feet. I wasn’t falling into the abyss, like I did in the past. I told you how I was feeling, I shed some tears and told you what you mean to me and what kind of person you are in my eyes. A wonderful person. That you placed a lantern in my world, when it was dark and that lantern pointed me towards the end of the tunnel. I am thankful for this and would like to return the favor. I could clearly see the weight of your decision in your sad face. I told you, I am not mad at you. I am not angry nor enraged. I know from myself, that we don’t choose the ghosts and shadows in our minds. But we are still responsible for our choices and decisions that hurt others. I told you, it hurts and I am just sad. I appreciate your honesty, a sad truth is better than the most beautiful lie. I wish for you, that you can find to yourself and find the root of your fear.
I packed my stuff and left. On the ride back to the train station we were mostly silent. I started talking to clear my mind, told you things I wanted you to hear. Not because they could change anything, because I wanted them to be said. I asked how we would continue and we both agreed, that we wanted to stay in touch. I said, that you should give me the owl back, once your sure, that we should stay friends. At the train station I hugged you for a last time and told you that I really like you. You told me the same. I said I want to give you your time to get your head and thoughts sorted and that I would love to hear from you then. You asked me to message you, once I am back home and I agreed. Your face was full of sadness, you couldn’t even smile and I could sense you being ashamed. I asked you for a last smile, so I could remember you with one and you smiled. As our paths diverged I looked one last time at you, while you were walking away. I left with sadness in my eyes and a faint smile on my lips.
I called a good friend to talk before I boarded my train and headed back home, 1.000 km to the north. I cried during the ride and just wanted to be home. I asked myself, why would this happen to me, don’t I deserve happiness too? Why am I always the one, who gets hurt? Are my needs not able to be satisfied? These thoughts vanished as quickly as they came. There are many things in this world, that I can’t influence, things that I can only accept. Many choices are not mine to make. The ride felt like an eternity. I had so many questions in my head, what I should have done different, what else I could have done, but deep down in my mind I already knew the answer. Nothing. Once I arrived back home. I messaged you and I just had to ask you. You said there was nothing I could do and that I already did more than you expected. I listened and talked to you, tried to understand you, that was all I could do and could have done. I was back home and knew, that I had to take care of myself, that I needed to talk with people close to me, to get my thoughts sorted. I still have many questions, questions you may answer one day and questions, where only time knows the answer. I consciously decided to keep following my way.
A couple of days later you messaged me, that you wanted to send the owl back to me. You said you cant give me, what I need and deserve and that you can’t engage in an romantic relationship with me. I respect your decision, but I think, that you can give me what I need and deserve, because I think otherwise, I hadn’t let you this close to me. But I also know, that when you can’t give me what I long for, that I have to look somewhere else. You said you need time for yourself and have to put yourself first now and I can clearly understand that. In my mind this is the right choice and I also need some time for my thoughts and myself. You said a lot of things got cluttered in your head and that you have many fond memories of our talks and the moments we shared. You said you like me, but not enough for love. I think love has to grow like a flower. Someone close once told me, love is a choice and the more I thought about that, the more I have to agree with her. I know what I saw in your eyes, but it was not my choice to make. You said your deeply sorry, for what happened, that you hurt me the way you did. That you would like our paths to cross again, after some time has passed, because we still have our connection of dreams and thoughts. Is this the end of this story? I don’t think so, it is the end of this chapter and only time knows the answer. In my eyes this book has many blank pages left for another chapter. It will be different, when we met again, but different doesn’t mean worse.
I am sad and thinking about what could have been, how this dream could have progressed, what could have been and what will be. Nobody knows, what the future could have brought and how this flower could have grown. This sadness feels like a weight pulling me down, but I am still swimming. I miss you, your words and presence, but above all I need to fill that hole you left with myself. But now this is a dream of many others. Still a dream, a dream I wanna keep close. A dream is something special, something that defines a person, like the wish to live. I am still a dreamer, I believe in my dreams, they give me a purpose and I wanna live my dreams, while awake. I clearly know now, what I want and need, what I long and strive for. The lesson to learn is, that even if you do everything right, even if you do everything you could possible do, there are things you can’t control, maybe influence, but in the end, you have to accept them. Not every choice is yours to make. I just wanna say, how much I appreciate this world, this life and the people close to me.
Dear Anna,
I don’t hold a grudge against you, I don’t condemn you for your decision. Fear is only human, but we still have a choice, we always do. On the contrary I am happy, that we met. I am glad, that we shared moments of light together, that we shared our thoughts and dreams. I am thankful, that you showed me, what kind of person I am, how much I like this person and that I have a good connection to my emotions. You showed me, that I am on the right path and that I should continue my way. I want you to be happy and find back to yourself. I want you to smile and laugh, to shine, like I saw you shine. I wish, that you can find the answers for your questions, a clear path to follow and the help you need. I wish, that you can conquer your fear and find the root. I wish that you can live your dream. You are a wonderful person and sadly, there are not enough wonderful people on this planet. I am glad, that our paths crossed twice and hope that they will cross again for a third time. Anna I really like you and still think we have a special connection, a connection to build upon. Only time knows, what the future will bring. “A future is not given to you, it is something you must take for yourself.” But I am looking forward, towards my future with a smile. I can see the potential in your eyes, your heart is at the right place. I hope that one day you can achieve your dreams. My door will always be open for you and I hope that we will meet again so that we can share more of our dreams and thought. I will remember this story and follow the lighthouse. Till then I wish you the best and good luck on your way. Thank you for your honesty and don’t forget to smile and laugh.