Tags
abyss, Blood, Borderline, bpd, breakdown, desperation, Fear, help, hopeless, I, Me, mind, Pain, razorblade, Red Tears, scars, shattered, Soul, torment, unbearable
I have no idea how it started. A moment ago everything seemed fine. Yeah I hadnt slept well the night before, but that is nothing new for me. And then it hits me, a frying pen to the face, a kick in the nuts, a hammer to the head. The ground under my feet disapears and I begin to fall, a never ending fall. I try to grab hold to something, my hands reach into the nothingness.
Tears shoot in my eyes and the familiar pain comes back, fights itself to the surface. It crashes wave after wave against my inner walls, growing stronger with each wave. My whole body fights this wave, Im shaking, shivering. I bite my fingers, try to wrestle back control. Somehow I manage to come back home before exploding. I withdraw myself.
Then it hits me, the unbearable pain. A pain I wish on nobody. It feels like somebody showed embers in my stomache, embers who r slowly burning through my body. It feels like Im getting torn apart on the inside, like my chest is beeing ripped apart till nothing will remain and my mind is shattered.
It fills my mind with thoughts, thoughts that are strong and spiral downwards, thoughts I cant control. They cloud my vision and spiral downwards into a black and white vortex. Thoughts that feel like my mind is thrusting them as a spear against myself. All the good memories get burried, washed away as if they never existed. Im standing there staring into the abyss, and the abyss staring back into me. Im watching myself as I drown.
I feel like a alien, like a nobody, lost and forsaken. It feels like this will never end, like this unbearable pain is my whole existence, my whole life and that there is nothing I can do. It feels like Im at the mercy of this pain and there is no way out. Nobody will understand me, Im a shadow of myself. Why should anbody love me, spend time with me, when Im a emotional trainwreck, a boat destined to sink. Why should anybody spend time with me, when there r alot of ppl out there who r not suffering the way I do, hurt ppl the way I do and r way less scarred? Ppl who dont have this monster inside them. These thoughts hurt, burn a hole into my soul and feed the pain, this voracious monster. I avoid looking into the mirrow, I cant bear the look of my lifless eyes. Im lost and imprisoned in my mind. Somebody please, anybody SAVE ME!
The pain grows, my heart is getting shattered, my soul is broken. My mind torments me with pictures, pictures of blood, razorblades and open wounds. The call for blood is in my head. “U know this helped, u know u can bear the physical pain, it will overshadow the torment inside urself.” I say NO, I have so many of them, I cant count them all.
The next night and the pictures are back, the pain grows stronger and with it my desperation, I have so many scars, a couple more would not be a big deal. I say NO. The pain grows, I wanna slam a razorblade in my arm and cut from start to finish, I just want this to STOP. I say NO. The pain grows, its unbearable. Its eating me alive from the inside. It feels like this will never change, never stop and consume me. I cant take this any more, I just cant! Nobody can bear this pain for long without breaking. And it will break u, trust me it will. My mind thinks about the final cut to end it all. I know before I will do this cut, alot of wounds will forego this cut.
I pull the plug and escape, run as far as I can but Im so afraid when it finds me again and it will find me again, it always does. I dont wanna hurt myself and others, but this pain is unbearable. What choice do I have in my desperation? Its like a prision I cant escape. This is my desperate fight for survival, my try to cope with the unbearable, my fight to control my emotions and to rebuild my shatteted self. To build a life where my good memories matter and not a life thats defined by my torment.