Tags
abyss, afarid, Agony, alone, Anger, Ash, bitterness, Blood, bpd, break, clung, crave, cut, Dance, Darkness, depression, desperate, desperation, Die, dissociate, disturbing, enduring, escape, exhausted, existance, explode, Fear, fight, guilt, Hate, Hell, hope, Hunger, Hurt, kingdom, Laugh, longing, madness, mess, mind, Monster, Pain, perception, pleasure, pointless, powerless, pressure, punish, Reality, sadness, Salvation, scars, screams, self harm, self hate, shame, sorrow, Stop, Suffering, Suicide, SUpport, Tears, Thankful, thought, throne, vain, weakness, witness
Triggerwarning for self harm and suicide!!
It starts with this feeling as if a heavy veil is slowly falling over your shoulders and softly encasing you. With this veil your perception begins to change. The veil covers your eyes and you perceive the world through this lens. On top of your usual distorted view of the world and yourself.
With this change of perception the voices come, they run wild in the mess of your own mind and dance to the song of madness. They quickly spiral put of control and begin to suck you into a vortex of desperation. Your own mind, a field of many battles, now feels like a occupied zone. You are a guest, just a bystander, as you continue to sink deeper and deeper into depression and desperation. You desperately try to hold onto something, anything. But it feels like there is nothing, only the black of the abyss, filled with whispers of madness and screams of agony.
Your thoughts and the voices behind them are out of control. They begin to hurt you, to break you apart little by little and push you down deep into a corner of your own mind. “You are worthless, you are not worth it, you are not enough and never will be. You are stupid. You are hideous, a monster in human skin. You deserve this all.” Whispers in the back of your mind. They come closer and grow louder.
You are standing alone and naked in the cold darkness, surrounded by pairs of glowing red eyes. You are shivering, as they begin to scream at you from all sides. There voices pierce you, there screams feel like stab wounds, little arrows and needles shoot into your body with the intention to destroy and kill. Shoot by a part of your own mind against yourself.
“Maybe it would have been better if you were never born. It is all pointless, just end it. End this suffering once and for all! It is all pointless you know. One day you will die by your own hands anyway. One day you will finally snap, loose control and then cut your wrists open. Don’t you long for it? Don’t you want to get some sleep and rest?” You try to push them away, but you are exhausted and powerless. The voices begin to scream in unison: “I want blood, I need it, I want it. Don’t you want it to? Don’t you seek this salvation too? What are a couple of cuts, if you got an uncountable amount of scars already?” There voices become a choir of agony, screaming one word in unision: “BLOOD!”
The thoughts build up, your sadness, your anger, your shame, your guilt, your fear and your desperation, they all build up. The pressure builds up. It begins to hurt. A familiar pain, your feeling like your getting ripped apart from the inside. Torn into pieces by invisible forces. You are falling apart and the pressure crushing you. You are about to explode. Your mind becomes a lake of blood, a lake filled by your own blood shed in desperation.
You can’t contain it any more. Your desperation is leaking from the reality of your mind into this reality. Your body is missing pieces and the mess you call your own mind is falling apart. The pain is unbearable. The pressure must be regulated, if not, the thoughts about suicide will only grow till the point where you will act. No one can and will endure this agony for long.
You dissociate. You leave the mess in your own mind behind. You just want to escape this pain and suffering. This suffering that feels like it will never end nor stop. You want it to stop, so desperately to stop it. And then it happens. In the blink of a eye it happens. You, a bystander, watch, more like beeing forced to watch, yourself from outside of your own body. 14 Cuts later you are back inside of your own mind and realize what happened. The shame and guilt is overwhelming. So you cut more and deeper to punish yourself for your own actions, your own weakness. You fight against the desire to slam the razorblade deep into your own arm. You never wanted to do it again and here you are now, watching your own blood slowly running down your arm and dropping into the sink. Your lips bring up a smile of desperation as you enjoy the feeling, ecstasy and pleasure of the cuts and your own blood leaving your body. And with the blood the pressure also bleeds out. In your mind is silence, the screams stopped, but how long will the peace last?
It is disturbing that the first cut is the hardest to make and then it becomes hard to stop it. In a couple minutes it switches from something you nearly have to force yourself to do, to something that is really hard to stop. The first cut is always the hardest and the last cut is always the hardest to stop. The first cut is only a scratch of sadness, the last one a deep cut, full of anger and self hate.
It is disturbing, because it goes from something you don’t want to something you crave. There is a twisted pleasure in pain and even more so in self inflicted pain.
I just want it to stop, so desperately to stop. But there is no escape from the demons in my mind. There is only suffering, more pain and agony. Please, I beg you, go away, just leave me please. You have done enough, destroyed enough of myself, broken so many parts of myself and hurt me and others so much. You made my existence a living hell. I just hope, that I’ll be able to overcome this monster, to overcome it before the hunger consumes me whole. Will there be something left in the end? Is it worth fighting for? For the pieces that will be left? For my family and friends? For myself?
Is it just a kingdom of ash, tears, pain and sorrow?
Ruled from a throne of agony?
Is there anything else?
Can there be anything else?
I am afraid,
And full of fear,
I want to find something else,
I long for it!
But I fear,
That I will die before this,
That my hunger consumes me whole,
And my whole suffering and fight was in vain.
It is pointless nonetheless, is it not?
Everything is pointless, is it not?
Even if it is pointless in the end, it is and was never hopeless.
To be honest, I haven’t killed myself yet, because otherwise my suffering would have been for nothing. Not pointless in the sense of nihilism, but in vein. And then I should have killed myself 12 years ago. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. It’s not that I didn’t try, but some part of myself always clung to this world, but now, 12 years later, I can feel that part of myself slowly dying and it begs the question why I am still enduring.
I wish I could say something positive at the end, but BPD is just unimaginable suffering and agony. I am thankful for all the support I am getting and that I am not alone out there. I might be broken, my body and mind are a battlefield littered with scars, I am full of bitterness and self hate, but I can still laugh and fight. I just hope, that I can witness the day, where I can fully embrace myself and maybe even love myself before it is too late.
Edit 2023/06/07
The veil has lifted itself and I can say something positive at the end. When you are lost in the darkness, everything you are able to see is the vast darkness surrounding you. When it is pitch black you loose all hope and the rise of the sun seems like a distant memory. It feels like I am a different person, when I am lost in the darkness. I think different, I perceive the world different, because all I can see is darkness. I am blinded by it, blinded by my sorrow and the lies voices are whispering in the back of my mind. But the sun will rise again and after the dark there will be light. The veil will lift itself again and you will be able to smile again. I think I found the answer to the question, what will be left of myself and if that, what will be left, is even worth fighting for. I am rising from the ashes, reborn anew, like a phoenix, determined to live, to make the best out of the things I got and to pursue the things I love. I am worthy to fight for and so I will continue to fight for myself, for my ideas, my hopes, my wishes and my dreams. Every episode gives me a better understanding of myself and my mind and with that knowledge I can do better in the future. I will endure and I refuse to yield to this demon.
Sown in dark times,
blinded by pain and sorrow,
the seed of hope will endure,
and the flower of possibilities blossom.